


The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blond

by Abandoned and Deleted Fanfiction (DotMatrixMan)



Category: Runescape
Genre: Gen, Imported, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-27 07:20:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 41,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12076242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DotMatrixMan/pseuds/Abandoned%20and%20Deleted%20Fanfiction
Summary: Five friends and a blonde decide to go on a rather pointless and stupid adventure in the lands of Runescape. Comedy! Romance! Drama! Bitching! UPDATE They thinks it's all over, and it is now.- Copied from original description.Archive copied from deleted ff.net story authored by BradhadairWyver in July 2'd 2005, completed October 4th 2006.Recovered via Wayback Machine and lots of time.I'm posting this mostly for my own nostalgia, but if someone else enjoys it then all the better!I'll be posting this manually over the next few days due to FF.net's rules against automated importing.





	1. Prolog and Stuff

Archive notes: Story is still being manually imported, and may take a few days to complete due to size. Thank you.

 

  
The Misadventures of Five friends and a Blonde

"The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proofSHIT detector."-Ernest Hemingway

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: Yelloo. I figured this needed some updates since there is about a bazillion plot holes in my story, which will all be answered in chapter 34- Plotholing. Anyway, what the hoo, I'm rewriting and reproofing some parts of the story. So if stuff changes round don't be too confused.

Prologue and Stuff

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: Yes, welcome to a new world. A world full of randomness, stupidity and unpronounceable names. Welcome to my world... Muahahaha! Kim, if you read this, I have had to exaggerate and twist people's personalities for comedy. This is a parody, in general, of many cliches and plot holes linked to the fantasy genre, and other genres too. The main purpose of this fic is to make people laugh and give me something to do at the weekends. (Besides watching TV, eating, sleeping till noon, playing video games, I haven't gota lot to do.) Homework? Did someone say 'homework'? Naaaahh...

The Prologue

Cerrin Wyver- Brightest of them was Cerrin Wyver, a student at the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery, who was top of the honour roll as the biggest bitch at the school. With her flame red hair, angular face and icy blue eyes she stood out a mile among the throngs of losers in Lumbridge. Her research into runestones has been ongoing for four years and her lifelong dream is to discover the secrets of the rune stones and to find a way to use magic without runes. She has a rather weird obsession with magic... and follows Guthix, even though she acts like a power hungry bitch.

'I like power. Power good. Power very good. Why do I like power? I just do.'

Ansela Jonla: A sneaky thief with absolutely no morals, she can and will steal anything. She dresses all in black and green and listens to loud rock music. She is also inclined to the fighting lifestyle, and revels in beating the living daylights out of anything. She will mug anything that came within two feet, but she is a really nice person. Really. Her bush of brown hair covered her bright blue eyes, which were always roving for something to steal, and in a flash of black and green she runs off with whatever she acquired. Oh, and she's a Zamorakian.

'Thief? I'm no thief, I merely... borrow things, and forget to return them.'

Rozy Wyver: Cerrin's sister, Rozy Wyver, had gotten the stupid genes in the family and was the blonde. If there ever was proof blondes are stupid it was her. Blonde haired blue eyed and rosy cheeked she looked for all the world like some fairytale princess, and it was true she acted as stupid. She the sweetest most sickening girl you could ever meet... as long as she takes her meds every day. She dresses primarily in pink and loves to skip around singing about bunnies. She is so naïve she'll believe anything. ANYTHING.

'So KAWAII :D'

Alex Ilidan: The biggest pervert on the face of the planet. His lifetime ambition is to get with Cerrin, Ansela and Rozy at the same time, but Cerrin calculates his chances as about minus ten million. He doesn't really do anything except shout stupid things at random intervals and chat up every woman he saw. He would toss his long green hair over his shoulder and move in on every girl in sight, who usually rejects him spectacularly.

'Ooh, sweet sweet boobs...'

Timmus Jonla: Ansela's brother, a meat obsessed barbarian and the dumbest guy you could ever meet. His diet consists almost wholly of meat and meat related products and is brain I'm afraid is non-existent. He is big, muscled and strong, so he is the huge doofus of the group. Conan the Barbarian comparisons are apt.

'Fishies, fishies I love fishies :D'

Trip Tiptree: The unfortunately named Trip is incredibly clumsy due to a curse from an evil wizard. In spite of that he is probably the most sane individual in the story. He has blue hair which is continuously flopping over his bright brown eyes, and that doesn't really help if he needs to see where he's going.

'Hello, don't treat me like I'm invisible just 'cause I'm flat on the floor.'

People's characters (In order of appearance)

Zanithir as Ruarai: A treasure hunter who pursues the gang into the jungle.

Ozzyiwannabeagoat as Ozzy: A hack wrestler who teams up with the gang to try and stop an evil wizard taking over Runescape.

SSJ4 Aragorn as Terrence Wolfblade: A mercenary who puts his life (and wages) on the line to team up with the gang.

CerridwynBradhadairWyver as The Plot Bunny: The authoress herself, who seals up plotholes. (I have a lot of work ahead.)

Others

Meryl Peemstein: A German pro wrestler with a grudge against Cerrin and a weird crush on Alex.

Wotsisname: A mysterious wizard with a name so dumb and unpronounceable that no one can remember it except Rozy.

Drak: A particularly stupid treasure hunter.

Gem: A whip-wielding assassin with a fetish for leather and bondage.

Salazar Slimebucket: The less said, the better...

Sniffly: An evil henchman with blocked sinuses and an attitude problem.

Mordred: An evil knight with some 'growing' issues.

Stephanie Ilidan: Alex's sister and the only sane Ilidan.

Princess Amelia: The perky teenybopper princess of Kandarin, she is a dead ringer for Cerrin. (Needless to say this causes some confusion.)

Shade: Ultra cool half demon assassin/kidnapper/hero/plot device/hottie.

Jane: A mercenary who was hired by Slimebucket but changed sides after being offered a helluva lotta cash. She has some connection to Terrence.

This is a chronicle of their pointless misadventures in the land of Runescape.

All characters may be fictional and all resemblance to real people is unfortunate but probably intended. All characters are based on myself and people I know. Cerrin is like me! (No I do not go around hitting people with a staff and setting things on fire.)


	2. The Five Friends and the Blonde

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: The epic tale has begun! Read on!

Chapter One: The Five Friends and the Blonde

_The story so far_ : In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

The great god Guthix created the land of Gielenor, widely regarded as Runescape by its inhabitants, as it is easier to spell. It really was a pointless change, as most of the general population are illiterate inbred peasants, and the people that are smart enough to spell it are also smart enough to leave it as soon as possible. Those in educated circles still use Gielenor, and there have been many wars over the correct pronunciation of it. They ended when both sides realised how stupid they were being and went back to arguing about the spelling of 'Mithril' Vs 'Mythril'.

In the beginning, Runescape was an empty land, until Guthix and his two brothers, Saradomin and Zamorak, decided that staring at empty fields was boring and decided to create living beings. The first animal that Guthix created was the sheep, an animal now regarded to be divine by his followers. After that, he started creating other animals, cows, cats, dogs, fish, birds, et cetera, until one day, he created man. Looking down upon his creation of man, he tutted to himself and decided he could do better. Not wanting to kill his own creation, he created woman to accompany, and looked at woman and decided that she was definitely a great improvement. Saradomin, the god of goodness, made nice trees, plants and cute fluffy bunnies. Zamorak, the god of darkness, created goblins, demons, hell-hounds, and lawyers.

Anyway, the people of Runescape began to start leading out their daily lives, fighting, warring, loving, and generally behaving stupidly. And all three gods watched over them and agreed- it was much better than daytime TV. And lo, the people of Runescape paid homage to the three gods, by building big churches, wearing special robes, and engaging in worship rites that each god found quite amusing, especially after a few brandies.

There is one place in Runescape in particular we are focusing on, because that is where all of our main characters come from. Lumbridge. The first place everyone in Runescape comes to (Not counting Tutorial Island, of course). A small, backwater village riddled with rats and n00bs. Not a lot ever happened in Lumbridge, and besides the odd instance of someone killing a n00b in frustration, the place was pretty quiet. Just a little bit north of Lumbridge, far away from the frenzied cries of 'lol' was the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery, a place where young women with exceptional magical talents went to learn the sacred arcane arts of Magic, Herblore and bitchiness, and hone their skills. Not many people knew it was there, besides the students and their families. Hell, there were few people in Lumbridge who knew how to spell 'university'. And it is there that we meet the first of our mismatched gaggle of protagonists.

Cerrin Wyver sighed and fiddled with her long curly red hair as she sat staring at her half written, scribbled over essay- 'Bitchcraft in the Home'. Next to her was a stack of books the size of a small person, and scattered all over the room were several screwed up balls of paper. She slammed her copy of 'Famous Bitches of the 4th Century' shut and tossed it onto the pile, which promptly collapsed. She buried her head in her hands an decided to just give up. She was top of her class and couldn't believe that she was struggling with this one simple essay. She suspected that it was pure boredom. She was the bitchiest bitch at the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery, and she wanted something else. She was top in everything- nothing was a challenge. She wanted some excitement, some drama, some adventure... maybe some romance if she got really desperate.

She was disturbed by a familiar tapping on the window.

"Ansela!" Her best friend and the only person who ever bothered to pay a visit. She opened the window and the grinning thief jumped in. "I really do not think I need to keep telling you after this long, but USE THE DOOR. Honestly, why must you climb up the wall to the fourth floor?"

"Soz, Cer. Old habits die hard, and it's good practice. Anyway, me and Timmus are planning to join up with some other dudes and go on a pointless and stupid adventure. Wanna come?" She flipped her hair out of her eyes and straightened her rather scraggy looking outfit.

Cerrin thought for a moment. Go with her best friends and have fun in the big wide world or stay here and spend her time writing essays on home bitching...

Cerrin had gotten all the stuff she could carry together and left a note on the Dean's door telling him she was leaving, and that she hated his guts and his fake bear throw. Well she was a bitch after all. Dressed in her black pointed witch's hat (a must for any magic user), her black cloak and ripped jeans with boots, she grabbed her staff and bag and finally left the university behind. Maybe if she left she could finish her pet project on Runestones...

"I think I am going to miss school, but I was tired of so many repetitive and dull essay tasks."

"You won't miss it. I stopped going when I was eleven and my life is great."

"You are a thief who mugs random people for money."

"Yeah, it's great!" She said, slipping someone's purse off their belt. Cerrin sighed but decided to ignore her friend's blatant lack of morals for now. It wasn't like she'd listen anyway.

"So, who else is on this journey?" Cerrin asked as the two of them walked along.

"Well there's my brother Timmus, and your little sis Rozy whined so we brought her along, and your old friend Trip, oh and Alex Ilidan..."

"What? You are bringing Alex along? I refuse to even share breathing air with that jerk!"

"Well he begged for days to come, and whiny girly boys really get on my nerves. So I said yes to shut him up. Besides, if he gets out of line you can hit him."

"Gladly." Cerrin sniggered evilly.

Timmus was waiting at the local general store, glaring for no apparent reason at anyone who walked in. A giggly blonde dressed in a pink schoolgirl outfit and a green haired guy in gold and silver armour were sitting on a bench eating sandwiches and checking out the people that went by.

"Hoo mama! She's hot!" Alex said, staring at a tanned blonde girl wandering by.

"Go talk to her!" Rozy nudged him.

"Nah."

"Go on! Don't be shy." Rozy giggled. Alex got up, checked his reflection in the fountain and went over to talk to the girl.

"Hey, sexy babe, you wanna have some fun- OH MY GOD!"

"What the hell!" The hot girl was in fact, a skinny guy, with long hair and a Rune Plate Skirt.

"I-I'm really sorry, I thought you were a girl!" They guy just glared at him.

"It's the skirt, isn't it?"

"Um..."

"What, just because I can't get Rune Plate Legsand I have to wear this stupid Plate Skirt to protect myself, everyone thinks I'm a girl! It's not fair! I'm gonna snap you, you little-!" He got cut off then because Ansela jumped on him, knocked him out and stole his money.

"Woo, money!" She whooped, then stuffed the wallet in her bag. Alex breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't being killed, until he realised Timmus and Rozy had seen the whole thing. He ran over.

"You won't tell, will you?" He panicked.

"Of course not sweetie." Rozy patted the idiot on the head.

"Nah. I can use it to get yah to do my chores." Timmus grunted.

"Hiya sis!" Rozy squealed as she bounced over. "Are you coming along with us?"

"I guess so, although I am beginning to think that this may be a bad idea." Cerrin said as she looked at the gaggle of people they had.

"YAY! Sugoi!" Rozy squealed and skipped around.

"Timmus, where's our stuff?" Ansela asked. "I told you to bring it!"

"Did yah?" The idiot looked up.

"Yes!"

"Oh, yeah, I told Trip tah bring it." Everyone stared in horror.

"Trip? Are you a complete and utter nimrod?" Cerrin yelled.

"Uh, I dunno. What's wrong with Trip?"

"Trip is a very sweet guy but..." Cerrin was cut off by a yell.

"Hey! I brought the stuff- whoops!" A guy carrying several bags ran up to them, tripped over his feet and landed on Timmus.

"He is clumsy." Cerrin smacked her palm on her forehead. "Oy..."

"Hey Trip..." Timmus croaked from under the bags.

"Oh, I'm really sorry Tim!" He tried to pick one of the bags up and dropped it on Cerrin's foot.

"GYAH!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, lemme pick it up."

"NO!" Everyone shouted. Ansela picked up the bag and checked inside.

"Why is it so heavy... eww! Alex, I can't believe you brought this stuff along!"

"But I can't live without my magazines!"

"What magazines?" Rozy asked, oblivious. Everyone sighed. As well as being an idiot Rozy was overly innocent, especially to Alex.

"Err..." He just stammered tying to think of an excuse. Cerrin sighed and pulled some Fire Runes out of her bag. "What're you doing?"

"Fire Strike!" the bag went up in a flaming pyre and Cerrin flung it into the river, where it floated down, still burning.

"Noo! My Playboys!"

"Playboy? Oh, right, they were games magazines!" Rozy chirped. "I bet they have a lot of fun games and stuff in them."

"Hey, I'll show you sometime babe." Cerrin smacked him over the head with her staff.

"You will not show my little sister any of your perverted things!"

"How about you then honey- erk!" He ended up on the floor with several bumps on his head. Ansela figured it was time to get going, so she jumped up on the fountain and clapped her hands.

"Ok, campers, get moving! Grab your bags, and Timmus, you grab Alex." The idiot was out cold from Cerrin's vicious staff attack. "Cerrin, you make sure Trip doesn't end up killing himself and Rozy... you just walk with us ok?"

"Ok!" The stupid girl chirped, grinning and giggling.

And so the stupid and pointless adventure was begun. I think.

"So... what should we do first?" Trip asked as the six of them walked down the dusty dirt road out of Lumbridge.

"Hmm..." Cerrin thought for a moment. "Well, I need to go and craft some more runes. I used up my last Fire Runes burning Alex's magazines, and I'm nearly out of Body Runes."

"With a body like that, I'm surprised. Wow!" The bandaged up Alex purred.

"Do you want me to hit you again?" She snapped. Timmus had a look on his face that made him look constipated. It in fact meant he was thinking, which was a rarity for him.

"Meh... Runes?" he seemed puzzled, and everyone stared at him like he was a complete idiot. He was, but that wasn't the point.

"Runes!" Cerrin shouted. He just stared blankly. "Alright, I will explain. There is a substance called Rune Essence that has magical properties. To make runes you get Rune Essence and go to a Rune Altar. You engrave certain magical symbols on it to tap into that specific power."

"So... if I scratch a picture on a rock I can burn things?"

"I can't be related to this idiot." Ansela muttered. Rozy stood and thought for a moment.

"Oh! I know! You go to that wizard and he like magics you off to a far away place and you get this grey stuff that sparkles! Pretty sparkles! Kawaii!"

"That is... well, at least you know more than Timmus." Cerrin sighed. "Thank Guthix I ended up with intelligence. Anyway, I need to see Sedridor and ask him to let me get some rune essence. Then I'll show you how to craft runes. Come to think of it, I need a pick axe."

"Done!" Ansela knocked some passing random guy out and picked up his Mithril Pickaxe.

"I do know how to craft runes. y'know." Alex scoffed.

"Yeah, but you made two successful Wind Runes out of a batch of twenty eight." Trip told him.

"Hey, they worked! Besides, that's uh, what percentage?"

"8.33 per cent." Cerrin told him. "Highly unsuccessful."

"Dammit, you're such a know it all. But, hey, I do dig smart chicks!" THUD! "Ow..."

"How do Runes work anyway?" Timmus asked.

"Well, you see, the composition of Rune Essence is so that blah blah blah…" And so on all the way along the road to the tower

And so they set off towards the Wizard's tower with an actual purpose, an actual goal rather than just wandering aimlessly about looking for goblins to kill. And they did kill a great many goblins. Timmus killed a chicken for meat and made Rozy cry. Ansela snatched about twenty purses and some fruit off a stand. Cerrin was the one who did most of the goblin killing, along with Alex, and she had to resist the urge to chop his head off as well. Trip fell over a small rock and accidentally killed a level nine wizard by sticking a saucepan down his throat.

"Oops."

"Hey! That guy left his robes behind!" Rozy grabbed the robes and hat and put them on. "Now I look like my big sis! Yay!"

"Gahhh..." Well, she did, except she was wearing blue instead of black, and had silly bunches. And she still had her permanent smile stuck on her face compared to Cerrin's permanent scowl.

"You do know they're from a dead guy, right?" Trip asked.

"Kawaii:D" Rozy giggled. Evidently not... Ansela wandered over, wearing a full set of Mithril Plate she hadn't had before, and her pockets were bulging.

"The people around here have so much cash!" She tossed Cerrin some Mind Runes. "Some dude over there had his pockets bulging with runes, so I grabbed some."

"Thanks... when did you get Mythril armour?"

"Some guy tried to hit on me, so I knocked him out and stole his armour."

"You look great babe!"

"Don't push it, or I'll beat you up and steal your clothes."

"He will probably enjoy it, you know."

"Heh heh..."


	3. We're off to see the Wizard

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'Hee hee! Pudding!'

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: I have rewritten all my chapters, and this one is the second one now. Just to avoid confusion.

Chapter 2: We're off to see the Wizard

The six 'heroes' wandered along the path to the long, winding path to the wizard's tower, killing any monster that came by and stealing their stuff. Rozy, still wearing the hat and robes, skipped along the path cheerily singing (badly and out of tune).

"We're off to see the wizard, la, la, la, la, la!"

"Oi! Dorothy! Get back here!" Ansela yelled. She turned around.

"Don't be silly! I'm not Dorothy, I'm Rozy!"

"Get back here. There are monsters around, and you may be level twenty eight, but that's only because of your prayer and ranged level." Cerrin said. "Besides, ranging in close quarters is difficult, and these goblins thrive on melee fights."

"Goblins? Aww! More friends!" Everyone stared at her. A goblin snuck out of a nearby bush and raised it's club above the unsuspecting ditz's head.

"I'll get her!" Trip ran over, tripped over a rock and landed on the goblin about to bash Rozy's head in. The goblin shrieked and died, leaving bones behind. Rozy grabbed the bones and buried them.

Congratulations! You have advanced one prayer level!

"Woo! I'm level 73! Kawaii! Hey, that rhymes! Kawaii! That doesn't rhyme..."

"Um, how'd she get that high?" Ansela asked.

"Prozac? Valium?" Timmus offered.

"I mean her prayer level. But that's a good point."

"Well, she feels so sorry for everything that dies she automatically buries all the bones she sees." Trip said.

"Aww... is my little baby sad that the monster died?" Alex put his arms around her and tried to grab her ass.

"It's life was so short..." Rozy sobbed.

"Come on, it'll respawn in a minute." Ansela groaned. And it did, and Ansela stabbed it once with her Adamantite Dagger. It died and Rozy started to cry again.

After Rozy buried the bones, Trip fell over again, Ansela carried him, Timmus went for a leak in the bushes and Cerrin smacked Alex round the head for feeling up her sister the group continued to the Wizard's Tower.

"It's tall." Timmus gawked.

"Of course it's tall, dipshit, or it wouldn't be a tower." Ansela sighed. "It'd be the Wizard's Bungalow."

"Many secrets of magic have been discovered and lost here! Isn't it exciting?"

"Not really." Alex said.

"The Wizard's Tower, built many eons ago by... actually, before I lecture you, does anyone else actually know the history of this place?" Cerrin asked, her eyes widening and a look of childish glee appearing on her face.

"No, and we don't care either." Ansela said, and went down on her own to the basement. The others shrugged and decided to follow her.

"People don't care about history anymore." Cerrin sighed and followed them. They knocked on the door, and the wizard Sedridor answered.

"It's been thirty six minutes, my pizza is free!... oh, it's you, Cerrin Wyver."

"Hello Sedridor, nice to see you. I would like to go and get some rune essence please."

"Sorry. I can't let anyone go and get Rune essence." Cerrin's pretty face twisted with rage.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T LET ME GET RUNE ESSENCE!" She roared.

"I think he means he won't let you go and ge..." Timmus spoke but she turned around and glared at him.

"I know what he means! I want to know why!" The wizard got up from his hiding place under the table and brushed the dust off his robes. Cerrin's anger was enough to make grown men cower in fear.

"I can't let anyone go." He whined with a pitiful tone. "The Great Evil Wizard Wotsisname has sealed the portal and is keeping all the Rune Essence to himself."

"Wotsisname?" Cerrin was puzzled. That name wasn't too familiar. She had heard him mentioned in some old magic books but had passed over the writings in favour of torture spells.

"Is he like Voldemort, and you can't say his name or something?" Trip asked.

"No, but his name is so long and unpronounceable no one can remember it well." Sedridor explained. Rozy thought for a rare moment.

"I know him! He's the Great Wizard -

isplattgogogoch!" Everyone stared.

"So, you cannot remember the Rune Alignment Tables, but you can remember that?" Cerrin groaned. "No wonder you never passed your exams, with your limited brain occupied with drivel."

"It's funny! It makes me giggle! Tee hee!"

"Everything makes you giggle." Ansela said. "Pudding."

"Hee hee! Pudding! Hee!" Everyone sighed, except Timmus who was trying to remember the wizard's name.

"Fumblededumblefrizzybebedoop...?"

"No, it's !" Rozy chirped, revelling in her newfound status as the Girl Who Remembers Pointless Shit.

"Where might we find this Fumblededumble guy?" Ansela asked.

"Do we really want to go looking for an evil wizard?" Alex asked.

"I do!" Trip yelled, and everyone turned around.

"Really?"

"Yeah! That Fumblededumble guy was the one who put the clumsy curse on me!"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot that was a curse. What did you do?" Ansela asked.

"I was playing football near his garden and I broke his garden gnome."

"That's a bit extreme." Alex said.

"Not to him." The wizard said. "Wotsisname is famous for two things- his evilness and his love of garden gnomes."

"So, if we want to craft Runes we need to defeat Wotsisname..." Cerrin stood there thinking. "Well, we should gather together what runes we have in our bank accounts, get our best weapons and use up whatever Rune Essence we have and craft more runes."

"Wait!" The wizard ran up to her. "You can't seriously think of taking this dude on! Even the Great Good Wizard Baridatoriosbagaga couldn't beat him! And he was turned into a garden gnome!"

"We can totally take him!" Timmus yelled.

"Yeah!" Alex yelled. "I'll take him on single-handedly if I have to!" It set fire to the hay on the floor, and Cerrin had to quickly extinguish it with a Water Strike.

"Since when are you so brave?" Cerrin asked.

"Wow! Alex you are so brave!" Rozy hugged him and squealed.

"Oh, I see." Cerrin raised and eyebrow at him and tightened her grip on her staff.

"Don't hit me! She hugged me first!"

Unfortunately Lumbridge, being a backwater hick town of course, had no bank. So Cerrin, being the kind of person who collects magical junk, ransacked her bedroom for any leftover Runes.

"All right. We have twenty Fire, twelve Air, nineteen Body, thirty two Mind, fifteen Water... and gum?"

"That's mine!" Timmus grabbed it and popped it in his mouth. Ansela staggered over to them with armfuls of stuff.

"I got us all armour and weapons!" Cerrin glared at her.

"When you say 'got' you mean stole?"

"I nicked it, yes. But it's good stuff! I got you a Magic Staff!"

"Great!" Cerrin tossed her old staff away, nearly killing the dude in the Rune Plate Skirt from earlier.

"It's raining stuff! W00t!" He yelled, and ran off with the staff, laughing.

"Ok... has everyone got their weapons and armour? And Rozy, take off that wizard's hat."

"But... I like the hat!"

"Rozy."

"I wanna wear the hat! My hat! MY HAT!"

"Rozy, you are not a mage, you are a ranger, and the brim obscures your vision. Well, it's not like you are a particularly good ranger anyway." Rozy took off the hat and threw it at Cerrin, pouting.

"Why do you get to wear the hat and I don't?"

"I can wear this hat because I am a bitch, and it increases my magical strength."

"I wanna be a bitch so I can wear the hat."

"You can be my bitch, baby doll!" Alex slapped her ass and winked.

"Yay! I get to be a bitch! Gimme the hat!" The naïve idiot squealed. Cerrin, tired of her whining, gave her the hat and thumped Alex round the head. He quickly decided that he would grab a helmet, just in case the hitting continued.

When they were all ready, hats, amour, and runes, they hit upon a snag.

"Um... guys?"

"What is it now, Timmus?"

"Where does Wotsisname live?"

"Er..." Cerrin looked at Ansela, who just shrugged. Considering all of the preparation they had done, they had completely forgotten to find out where the guy actually lived.

"Hey, Trip, you were playing football when the dude cursed you, right?" Alex asked.

"Er... yeah."

"Well, you need to show us where Wotsisface lives."

"It's Wotsisname. Look, it's been a long time since I went there and I can't even remember how to get there."

"Then how are we gonna get there?" Timmus asked.

"Let's just ask random people!" Ansela said. "NPC's in all fantasy games usually tell you something." And so they started asking everyone they saw, but hardly anyone had heard of Wotsisname, let alone knew where he lived. They started to give up. A n00b called pwningd00d286 tried to sell them a wood shield for 1000 gold coins, but that just made Cerrin angry.

"Hi-yah!" she aimed a hefty karate kick at the idiot, who went flying. "I hate n00bs..."

"I feel ya." Ansela watched as the n00b fell in the nearby pigsty.

With no luck from asking people they decided to go to the Lumbridge Library and research. Yes, there is a library, but no one ever goes there since only one percent of the population is reasonably literate (Cerrin and Trip). So they decided to do some research. Well, Cerrin decided to research, the others just mixed up the books and tried to be noisy as possible to annoy the librarian.

"This building is a hallowed place of learning! These books are NOT toys!" Cerrin hissed, waving her copy of 'Great Wizards of the 11th Century' wildly at them. "You should have more respect for education and progress!" The others ignored her and carried on switching round Jane Austen's books with Dr Seuss. Ansela had to beat Timmus round the head because he tried to eat a copy of 'Green Eggs and Ham'.

Cerrin had searched for what felt like hours and hours, there was a pile of books on her table bigger than her, and all she had found relating to Wotsisname was a small article in 'Garden Gnome Weekly' about his impressive collection of magic gnomes. There wasn't even a picture of him. Cerrin figured this guy was probably a real loser.

"Haven't you found anything yet?" Alex said in his smarmiest tone. He shut up when he saw Cerrin's face.

"If you would actually help, instead of sitting around and tossing your hair like a girl, I may be able to find something useful and relevant!" She snapped, tossing a copy of 'Wizards and where to Find Them' at him. Trip wandered over with some books in his arms.

"I found these in the Really Old Dusty Books section. There's a lot about wizards and stuff."

"Thank you Trip. At least SOMEONE is helping." She yelled a very un-subtle hint at the rest of the gang, who were spinning a bookstand around trying to get all the books to fall off (as you do). Trip went back over to the Magical Books section, but tripped over a copy of 'Of Mice and Men' and knocked several books off the shelves on top of him.

"Ow..."

"SSH!" The librarian hissed and went back to aimlessly stamping things. Cerrin and Ansela went to dig him out, then something caught Cerrin's eye.

"Owch!" She looked at the book that had caught her in the eye. The cover read:

"'- The Biography'! Trip, you are wonderful!" She exclaimed, grinning.

"Woo, Trip, your clumsiness is truly blessed!" Ansela hugged him.

"Ansela, you're crushing my windpipe..."

"Ahem." They all sat in the storytelling section of the library on comfy cushions, having grown tired of wrecking things. Cerrin sat there with the book balanced on her knees as she leafed through the pages. "'Wotsisname is the most powerful Dark Wizard currently known, as all the others are either dead or in hiding. His evil knows no bounds and he is ruthless beyond measure. He is an avid collector of garden gnomes and has the largest collection in Runescape.'"

"Loser..." Alex gave a chuckle.

"'He invented many strange and powerful curses, including the Clumsy Curse which makes someone eternally clumsy.'"

"Git." Trip said as he got up and promptly slipped over the cushion.

"'Wotsisname is believed to currently reside in his dark tower located near Falador, near the other Dark Wizard's tower.'"

"Humph! Falador? My beautiful legs are not going to walk all the way there!" Alex groaned. "Besides, are runes really that important?" Alex immediately regretted saying that as Cerrin knocked him to the ground and poked him in the stomach with her staff. "Oww..."

"Runes are very important!" She screeched. "Wizards and Bitches need them for spells, and ordinary warriors use them for helping them fight. Runes also help control the flow of magic, which is also the foundation of our world! Without the magic of the runes to control the main sources of magic it goes haywire! Crops don't grow, animals go crazy and I can't burn things!"

"Ssh!" The librarian hissed. Ansela dragged Cerrin away.

"Well, animals are definitely going crazy... Ok, Cer, you made your point, and Alex, we are going to the other Dark Wizard's tower whether you're coming or not!"

"Will there be any hot babes there?" Ansela responded by kicking him in the gut. "I'll take that as a no then...urk."


	4. Are We There Yet?

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'Fishy fishy fishy, I love fishies... :D'

LunaAska: I have another review, from Dragon Lord9. Yes I know there's no such thing as a Runite Staff (though I wish there was) and Rozy's prayer level is way off. I just tried to add comedy value. Thanks for the review anyway!

Ansela: People actually read this badly written shit? No way?

LunaAska: Shut up, thief, or I'll pair you up ith Alex!

Ansela: XO NOOOOOOOO! I love this well written wondrous story! Please read and review and make LunaAska very very happy!

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

LunaAska: I really love that quote. Sums up my writing in a nutshell.

Chapter 5: Are We There Yet?

"Are we there yet?" Rozy asked.

"I told you thirty seconds ago, NO!" Cerrin yelled as the group trudged all the way from Oumbridge to Falador with their heavy bulging backpacks, in search of the great evil dark wizard Fumblededumblefrizzybeede... let's just call him Wotsisname.

"Oh. Are we there now?"

"Like I said ten seconds ago, NO!"

"Now?"

"NO!"

"How about now?"

"No, idiot!" Rozy looked hurt and looked ahead at the road.

"Um, now?"

"No."

"So are we there now?"

"NO!"

"Now?"

"Rozy, shut it!"

"What about now?"

"I demand someone do a DNA test on this girl! She cannot possibly share my genes! She is far too imperceptive!" The angry bitch bellowed.

"Imperceptive? Isn't that a math thingy?"

"Gahhh... Look it up."

"Are we there yet?"

"AAAAAAAGGGHHH!" Cerrin ran off screaming and tearing her hair out and jumped into the nearest river, scaring all the fish out the water.

"Fish:D" Timmus ran over. "Fishy fishy fishy, I love fishies... :D"

All: Oo

"So... are we there yet?"


	5. Pretty Boys Die Young/ Big Misunderstanding

he Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'Put that crap near my face and you die...'

LunaAska: I know the last chapter was short, but I really just wanted to do a 'Are we there yet?' scene.

Rozy: Are we there yet?

Cerrin/ Ansela: Shut up!

LunaAska: sticks tape over Rozy's gob There!

Rozy: ...

Cerrin: Praise thee!

Ansela: bows down

LunaAska: Yes, worship me, revere me... anyway, this is actually two chapters in one, but they were too short for their own chapters so I squidged em together. I think they go well.

Chapter 6: Pretty Boys Die Young/ Big Misunderstanding

The six of them had decided to set up camp for the night near some trees. Cerrin and Ansela put up their tents.

"Wait... how come only you two have tents?" Timmus asked.

"Because we were the only ones smart enough to bring them!" Ansela yelled. "Honestly, didn't you think to bring one?"

"I thought there were hotels." Ansela made no comment but rolled her eyes and started to put the tent poles together.

"I brought my tent- whoops!" Trip fell over and landed on his tent, breaking it. "Oh shit..."

"Sigh... fine, Trip, you can share my tent and Rozy share with Ansela."

"I don't want to share with Rozy! She's your sister!"

"You could share with Alex..."

"Rozy get in the tent!" Ansela yelled.

"Yay :D let's give each other makeovers!" Rozy got her make up bag out.

"Put that crap near my face and you die..." Ansela got out her dagger and hissed evilly. Rozy put it back in her bag quickly.

"Where am I gonna sleep?" Alex groaned.

"What about me?" Timmus asked.

"You can sleep outside!" Cerrin said, zipping up her tent.

"WTF? No way! I'm too pretty! What if a monster comes and tries to eat me?" The idiot tossed his overly long green hair in a futile attempt to look good.

"No monster would ever be that desperate for food." Cerrin yelled.

"Don't you know? Pretty boys die young!" Rozy poked her head out of the tent.

"But you aren't pretty Alex." She stated. "Although you do have nice hair. Oh well. Goodnight:D"

"Whimper..."

But Alex didn't really have anything to worry about. Except the bloodthirsty goblins on the hunt for meat, the murderous man eating spiders, the evil wizards, the other people looking for easy targets to beat up, and not forgetting the evil killer skeletons. But other than that he was completely safe. He couldn't sleep anyway. Now he knew exactly why no one wanted to share a tent with Timmus- the guy snored like a raging dragon.

The campfire he and Timmus had tried to make was a small flickery thing, and he had had to listen to Ansela and Cerrin's guffaws when they had begged for help. Cerrin told them to try using wood not Trip's tent to light the fire. He had gone into the forest and fallen splat- head first into a pile of goblin crap. He shivered wrapped up in several cloaks. Bored, cold, smelly and tired he decided to listen in on what the others were doing. He went to Ansela and Rozy's tent first.

"Can we do each others hair?"

"No."

"Make up?"

"No."

"Facial?"

"No."

"Nails?"

"No."

"Play Barbies?"

"Why do you have Ba- never mind..."

"Well, what do you like to do for fun?"

"I like to mug people."

"Mug people? That sounds fun, do you paint mugs with them or something?"

"Well, no, I go up to a rich looking dude, hit them round the head and steal their stuff."

"Ooh, no no no, that's awful Ansela!"

"Oh come on. I need to get money somewhere!"

"You could get a job."

"There aren't any jobs I could do. I never did my Bitchcraft, Saucery or Swordfighting exams. The only class I excelled in was thievery."

"Then you could be a nice thief, like Robin Hood:D"

"Give my money away? Nuh uh! What did your parents teach you, you weirdo?"

Alex was bored of this already; he wanted to hear something he could blackmail people with. He couldn't blackmail Ansela well anyway, she was absolutely shameless. The more bad things people knew about her the more she revelled in being infamous. He snook over to Cerrin and Trip's tent and stuck his head near the window flap, listening. There was a faint light.

"Wow, that's good!" he heard Cerrin talking.

"I know. Want some more?"

"Yes!" Alex could hardly believe his luck.

"Woo, free porn!" He giggled quietly to himself, his dirty little mind working overtime.

"Ooh, that's nice..."

"Mmm..."

"Ooh, more!"

"Alright, but don't hog it all yourself!" There were a lot of slurping and chomping noises. Alex leant up and tried to look in through the window flap, but fell over.

"Ow!"

"Alex?"

"Um, yeah?" Oops! He slapped his hand over his mouth. Damn, he was in trouble...

"Alex, if you really want some, you have to come in!" Cerrin yelled.

"Woo!" He couldn't believe his luck! He ran in, and found...

Cerrin and Trip were sitting opposite each other, a bubbling pot on the stove, and the lovely aroma of melted cheese wafting out. Trip had a piece of bread in the cheese.

"Hey Alex, want some fondue?"

"Fon... due? That's what you were doing?" Cerrin stared at him.

"Yes. Why, what did you think we were doing?..."

About ten seconds later Rozy and Ansela heard awful screams coming from Cerrin's tent. Ansela looked up from her copy of 'Thieves and Rogues Monthly' and looked outside. Cerrin was chasing Alex with her staff and a very sharpened wood skewer, shouting at the top of her voice:

"You pervert! You f-king pervert! I'm gonna knock all that dirty crap out of your head!"

"Have mercy, please!" Alex wailed. Trip fell out of the tent, got up and went over to Ansela.

"Should we help him?" Rozy asked.

"Nah." Ansela went back to her magazine. "Ooh, half price mithril lock picking tools..."

"What do you think she's gonna do to him?" Trip asked.

"I dunno, but whatever it is it's not gonna be pretty..."

"NO! Stop! Agh! No! Not the face! Aaaahh!"


	6. If a Tree Falls...

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'Doesn't taste like goblin to me.'

LunaAska: Due to lack of money we are being forced to advertise to keep this fic going. That means there will be periodical bits like this:

Cerrin: This chapter is brought to you by Falador Fritters- Mmm, goblin flavour!

Ansela: chomps Doesn't taste like goblin to me...

Chapter Seven: If a Tree Falls...

"How exactly do runes work anyway?" Timmus asked, staring as Cerrin lit a fire with her magic.

"Well the correct patterns trigger a reaction inside the Rune essence, and the magic words are sort of like a magical catalyst. The Rune molecules inside..." And Cerrin babbled on for a long time about how runes work, and for Timmus, who was as thick as twenty short planks, this didn't make any sense at all, so he just sat and nodded.

"She thinks she's so smart..." Alex groaned, nursing his battered and bruised head, bandaged up by Rozy after Cerrin's onslaught the previous night. The lesson he had learnt? Don't eavesdrop. You only get half the story and you'll probably get battered.

"Well she was the top bitch at the university, of course she's smart, dumbass." Ansela said as she polished her lock picking tools lovingly.

"I know a way to fry her brain... hey, Cerrin baby!" She turned around and glared at him.

"What did I say about calling me that?"

"Um... don't?"

"Now you're dead..." Ansela muttered.

"Yes. Now what do you want?" Alex stood there with an extremely smug expression on his face.

"If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?" He knew it would stump her: He asked his cousin, with a Physics degree, and he had cried like a baby. And sucked his thumb. And curled up in the foetal position for three hours whimpering. Cerrin merely thought for a moment.

"An interesting question Alex. One supposes that the impact would produce sound, but if no one was around for the sound waves to travel to I suppose not. Sound waves don't actually make a sound unless a device, natural or man made, is around to convert them into a recognisable sound. And you've failed to take into account how far the waves could travel depending on the intensity of the impact, and how far away a person or animal would have to be not to hear it, let alone the reflection and refraction of the waves that depends on the surrounding environment. Hmm, I shall have to write this up sometime. Chew on that, Alex." And she walked off, wearinga verysmug expression as he stood there with his mouth wide open.

"What did she say?" Ansela shrugged.

"Beats me." And went back to her polishing.


	7. The Two Bitches

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: Each chapter we get closer and closer to Fumblededumblefrizzy... thing.

Alex: Please can I get a hot babe sometime, I'm dying over here!

LunaAska: Gah... how to sort him out... Yes, that's it! Alex I know the perfect girl for you!

Alex: Is she hot?

LunaAska: Oh, maybe... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter 8: The Two Bitches

"Where exactly are we now?" Alex asked as he dumped his heavy backpack on the ground. "How far is it to Falador anyway?"

"Hmm, well, according to this handy dandy world map I just pinched from some random guy we are about fifteen miles from Falador."

"WTF? Fifteen! We've been walking for weeks!" Alex gaped.

"Alex, we've only been going a few days." Cerrin sighed. "Stop moaning and keep walking."

"But my delicate beautiful feet can't handle this walk..."

"If I were you Alex I would shut up and keep walking." Cerrin spoke softly in her subtle but threatening 'Do as I say or I'll tear your face off' voice. Everyone took a few steps away and continued to walk along the route to Falador, with the only sounds being Alex's quiet little moaning about his feet and Trip falling over in the dirt and knocking Ansela over.

"That's the third time he's done that today." Ansela groaned with Trip on top of her. "I hope we find that wizard doofus soon. My back is bruised."

"Only three? Wow, that's good for me." Trip got up and dusted himself off. Ansela continued checking the map.

"Alex, I have some good news for your feet. We are nearly at Draynor Village."

"CIVILISATION!" Alex ran along the path screaming.

All: O.o

"Has anyone seen my map? Or my purse? Or my clothes?" A random guy with a barrel round his middle asked the five of them, who just stared like beavers caught in a headlight.

Draynor Village was small but bustling. Ansela took the opportunity to fill up her ample purse while Trip and Timmus searched for an inn to stay in (Well Trip searched, Timmus wandered off to find something to eat.) and Cerrin went food shopping at the Market. Rozy ran off skipping and singing about butterflies and kittens and rainbows and the like, and Alex went to look around for some poor unsuspecting member of the female species to practice his chat up lines on.

"All this food... twelve loaves of bread, ten apples, fifteen cakes..." The shopkeeper drawled as the list went on and on. "That'll be one thousand gold coins miss..." Cerrin got out her staff and glared at the guy menacingly

"I wonder how long it would take to melt your face off."

"I mean, I have suddenly had a wonderful change of heart and I will give you all this food for free please don't kill me..."

"Thank you." Cerrin took the shopping and walked off.

They all regrouped near the Rusty Old Pipe Inn, the only inn in all of Draynor with indoor plumbing, albeit rusty plumbing at that. Alex had gone off to chat up some random girl(s) and Rozy and Timmus were trying to grab coins out of a wishing well. A loud SPLASH! told them their efforts were being thwarted. They started to sort out all their stuff when a nasty voice called out to Cerrin from nearby.

"So, is you Cerrin Vyver, mein bitchy arch enemy." Cerrin turned around and surveyed the beefy blonde Amazon standing there, arms crossed with a pissed off but smug expression on her face. She was at least six foot tall with muscles to make He-Man quiver in fear, and dressed sort of like a cross between Xena and the Wicked Witch of the West. She looked like she could snap Cerrin in half like a twig, and she cracked her knuckles ominously.

"Who's she?" Trip asked nervously, hiding behind Ansela.

"Meryl Peemstein. My scholastic rival. Or should I say, slutty imprudent mendacious skank-ho." The German bitch simply laughed.

"I see your bitching skills haf not rusted since you left the university, mein schlampe. But are you still claiming that lovely shade of orange to be your natural hair colour?"

"Says the girl who spends her study period with her head dipped in peroxide and cat pee." The girl's face went violet. "Oh, please, everyone knows it. You can tell by the smell. And those little brown roots peeking up."

"Don't think you haf won, cow face. I vill get you. Und ven I do..." She stood there and thought for a moment. "I haf not decided yet, but it vill be painful! Und messy..." And she stomped off. The three of them stared after her. It was quiet for a moment. Ansela spoke up first.

"She was a real bitch. Who was she again?" Cerrin sighed, and realised she had to do a very long explanation of everything otherwise the girl's appearance would make no sense in the story, which seemed to be completely random at the moment but would hopefully be all tied up at the end.

"I knew she'd catch up sooner or later... Meryl was my rival at the university. She always came second, next to me, which is why she hates me so much and she's always pissed off. We always competed for everything- best lunch seats, top grades, honour roll, head girl, president of the after-school Bitchwork Club, and so on. The only thing she was better at me than was wrestling, but I even learnt to flip her with a German suplex, which REALLY pissed her off. Ha ha. She's probably following me to try and exact revenge or something."

"Damn, Cerrin. You really are a total bitch."

"Thanks Trip. Come on, we have to get Timmus out the well."

"Do we?" Ansela asked. Alex sauntered over with Rozy following like a sugar high puppy.

"Hey dude and sexy babes, who was that troll girl who just walked off?"

"Long story."

"Can I hear it :D" Rozy squealed with glee.

"Sure, let's book rooms at the inn and I'll tell you over a nice meal. I could murder a big juicy steak about now."

"Hello?" Timmus called from in the well. "Does anybody know I'm here?"

It was late at night and everyone had heard the story of the beefy bitch that had beef against bitchy Cerrin. Alex said all bitches were ugly and Cerrin tossed him into a largeornamental cactus. Trip and Rozy had to spend the entire evening removing thorns from Alex's butt cheeks. He was in so much agony he couldn't even make dirty jokes about it, which was a real shame. Not. Rozy skiped arounf singing about puppies and kittens while Ansela covered her ears and pretended to be on a sunny beach in Cancun and not with all these idiots.

Eventually everyone went to bed and rested their little sleepy heads, because tomorrow would be a bright new day and if Ansela doesn't get enough beauty sleep god help the poor guy who wakes her up.

It was totally quiet at night, aside from a couple of drunken idiots stumbling out of the inn. From deep inside the wishing well a quiet, haunting and off key voice could be heard singing:

"All by myself... I don't wanna be all by myself..." It paused. "Sis...! Please get me out... all by myself..."


	8. Fa la la Falador

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'How about a can of kick ass instead?'

LunaAska: Thank you Raio for all your reviews. And moonylycanthropic, Timmus will suffer as you requested. This chapter the group finally get to Falador!

Cerrin: This chapter is brought to you by Falador Fritters- Now in smoky bacon and rye flavours!

Ansela: (cheery voice) Mmm! Capitalism never tasted so good! (spits out) Blegh...

Chapter Nine: Fa la la Falador

"How much further?" Alex whined.

"Alex we only left Draynor five minutes ago! Be patient!" Ansela checked her map. "If we travel by road we should get there in a couple of days."

"Man, I hate walking."

"I could knock you out and drag you by your overly long hair, pretty boy."

"I love walking!" The six of them were travelling down the long road to Falador. On the way were more goblins than you could stick a dagger into. Timmus, who had been rescued from the wishing well, was relatively fine, nothing a few decades of therapy wouldn't cure. He cursed Rozy for shoving him in and giving him a phobia of holes and dark wet places. Although he did find 562 gold coins.

"Sigh... why didn't I just teleport us to Falador from Lumbridge, if you're going to moan about it." Cerrin groaned.

"WTF?" Everyone yelled. "You could do that and you didn't say anything!"

"Well, I needed Law Runes and Timmus traded them for a hamburger in Lumbridge." Everyone glared at Timmus.

"But I like hamburgers!" Cerrin rolled her eyes.

"Doncha need to be a member to teleport? How'd you get Law Runes anyway?" Alex tossed his hair over his shoulder.

"One, yes, but I don't give a shit, I'll do what I like, Two, I got Ansela to nick 'em for me in return for teleporting her all over Asgarnia on a mugging spree."

"Heh."

"Well, unless a dude conveniently walks by with a lot of Law Runes, we're going to have to walk."

"Darn!" Everyone huffed. A dude with a lot of Law Runes conveniently walked by.

"Wanna buy sum law runes 500 gold coins." The dude said.

"How about a can of kick ass instead?" Ansela said and proceeded to beat the crap out of the guy and steal all his runes. Cerrin sighed at her friend's mugging but paid it no mind and got out the three Air and one Water runes. Ansela handed the runes over to Cerrin.

"This dude had an Air Staff too, you want it?"

"Sure, I'll sell my old one in Falador." Cerrin prepared the runes. "Falador teleport!"

One bright flash of light later and they were all safely in Falador, a bustling city full of people. Ansela quickly went off to the local shop to stock up on supplies. Cerrin told the others to gather info on Wotsisname. Asking the locals was no use- the Men didn't talk so they beat them up and nicked their cash. The other players were no help- they either wanted to trade or sell stuff, or fight. They all met up outside the local Pub, and it was getting late.

"We'll stay here for the night, and in the morning we'll get some last minute shopping in and go search for Wotsisname."

"Who made you boss?" Timmus asked.

"I did!" Cerrin yelled. "Now shut up and go inside!" Timmus nervously backed away and went into the pub. It was a little rundown but the food was good and there was plenty of beer. Timmus and Alex tried to sneak away with a couple of Dwarven Stouts but Ansela caught them and beat them round the head for being idiots.

The fact that the portal to the rune essence had been sealed was getting around Falador, though, and nearly every mage in the pub that night was complaining that they had no Air Runes or anything left, and some other people were worrying about their stocks of runes to sell. Everyone was frustrated and the mood was a little uneasy. The six of them finished their Falador Steak and went off to their rooms before someone started a fight over some runes, as a couple of wizards in the corner were already arguing about Nature Runes, and a combo of beer and unrest usually ended up with some poor bloke getting a stool smashed on their head.

The girls went off to their rooms and the guys theirs. The girls started chatting and the guys listened at the wall in case they said something juicy. Typical men. Anyway, the girls were winding down with some serious girl talk.

"So, out of all three of the guys who would you rather date?" Ansela asked Cerrin as she sharpened her Adamantite Dagger.

"Probably... Trip."

"Why Trip? He's always falling over."

"Cause Timmus is your brother, and he's a smelly ogre, plus he has that gross obsession with meat and steaks and burgers and such."

"All true."

"And Alex... ugh don't get me started! He's a bloody pervert, he's an ass, he is such a pretty boy, he can't cast a spell to save his life, he dresses like a prat, he knows nothing about everything, can't craft a single rune, he thinks Metallica is in the Periodic Table, and he watches the OC for gods sakes, that's so gay!"

"He's not that bad! I don't know why you two keep calling him a pervert, he's always nice to me!" Rozy said, huffy. The other two girls sighed.

"Rozy, do you know what a philanderer is?"

"Er... is it something you eat?"

"I don't think you'd want to eat one Roz... Anyway, Alex is a philanderer! He is a guy who gets off with lots of girls and is never ever nice to one unless he can get some."

"Get some what? Food?"

"Surely she can't be this innocent! She's fourteen! Even I knew what 'get some' meant when I was fourteen!" Ansela smacked herself on the head. "Seriously..."

"Well through careful deduction and removal of undesirables Trip is the only guy out of those three I'd ever even consider dating. Even though he falls over. A lot. But hey, that's not his fault, he was cursed."

"Hmm, I got to admit, Trip would be my choice as well. Alex is a twat, and Timmus is my brother so that would just be wrong on so many levels. And even if he wasn't, he stinks to high heaven."

"Yeah, does he know what a bath is?"

Listening to this talk was the three guys, ears pressed against the paper thin walls of the pub. Their expressions were mixed between laughing, pouting and gurning.

"You two got so dissed!" Trip sniggered as they went to sit on their own beds.

"Just because I don't know where Metallica is in the Periodic Table I'm an idiot? Humph."

"Metallica aren't in the Periodic Table. They're a heavy metal band." Timmus told him.

"What does that mean?"

"Beats the heck out of me but she sure likes them." The three of them get into bed and blow out the lamp. There is silence. "Guys?"

"Hmm?"

"Do I really stink that bad?" Timmus asked. Alex pondered.

"Let's just say I don't like to stand downwind of you, Tim."


	9. To The Other Dark Wizard's Tower

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

Cerrin: Chapter 11 after long last and the story seems to be getting a plot!

LunaAska: Plot? What is a plot? There's none of them in my stories! Heh.

Chapter 11: To The Other Dark Wizard's Tower

Everyone had slept well and it was at sunrise that they had decided to set off. Rozy was her usual chirpy annoying self, hopping and skipping and singing a song about cuddly teddy bears. Cerrin considered throttling the little brat for a moment, then decided to count to ten a few times instead. About halfway through one ten Alex bounded down the stairs cheerily.

"Good morning my two gorgeous babes!"

"Why are you two so cheerful this time in the morning!" Cerrin yawned and glared at the idiot. "It's not human."

"You need to mellow out Cerry-wer."

"Alex. My. Name. Is. Not. Cerry-wer!" She snapped sleepily. Ansela came down dragging Timmus down, who looked like he had had been fighting a bad hairdresser. He was still half asleep.

"No mom five more minutes... he groaned. Trip came dashing down the stairs pulling his jacket on but he fell over and landed on Cerrin.

"Argh! Trip!"

"Sorry."

After all the faffing and kerfuffle they finally managed to get all their stuff sorted out to take on Wotsisname. Cerrin had all her runes, Ansela had her Adamantite Dagger and her precious lock picking tools, Alex got his Mithril Sword, hardly ever used due to blatant cowardice of anything stronger than a goblin. Timmus of course had a stupidly big Iron Battleaxe, which he basically used to hit things with. Rozy, being a fluffy girly girl, used a Bow because she didn't want to stab anything. Instead she shoots it with several sharp pointy arrows, which of course isn't nasty at all. Trip, poor poor Trip, clumsy as he was, was not permitted to wield anything else but a saucepan. Although that can be rather effective against level nine wizards.

"Now..." Cerrin checked Ansela's map. "Wotsisname's tower is just north of the Dark Wizard's tower.

"Two dark towers in one place? I bet property prices are crappy right now."

"Yes, they are, but that isn't relevant at all. Now he probably has a lot of security, so BE CAREFUL! Trip, you stay with me in case you fall over. I dunno if curses are stronger the closer they are to the wizard."

"Remind me again why he cursed you? I forget." Alex asked.

"I broke his favourite garden gnome when I kicked a football into his garden."

"That's it? What a weirdo. But I suppose if you broke Cerrin's favourite staff, she'd do worse."

"Shut. Up." Cerrin said in a quiet psycho voice, and Alex shrank away behind Timmus.

"Can we get going? This is seriously cutting into my morning mugging time."

"Yeah, let's get moving. Westwards, people!" They all left, except Timmus who stood there, muttering.

"Never Eat Shredded Wheat... it's that way!" And promptly went southeast.

After Ansela dragged Timmus back by his collar the six of them travelled west to the other Dark Wizard's Tower. There were signs all over the place- 'Warning- Evil!' and the like. Wotsisname's tower was rather easy to find, mostly because of the giant neon sign on it:

's Crib

There was a smaller sign on the gate.

No hawkers, circulars, salespeople, no anyone actually.

NO trespassing! Trespassers will be cursed!

And that is not a joke!

And don't touch the gnomes!

And what a lot of gnomes there were. Through the chain link fence with barbed wire they peered and saw a freakish sight. Gnomes of all shapes, sizes and colours sat in a bleak and depressing garden. Their painted on grins were oddly creepy, and Ansela swore she saw some of their eyes move. Cerrin just told her not to drink Dwarven Stout for breakfast.

"Ok, we need to get over the fence." Cerrin took off her cape. "Alex, give me a leg up."

"Anytime, sweet cheeks!"

"I meant help me over the fence you bent doofus!" Alex looked crestfallen but boosted her over. A quick flip and she landed on her feet, leaving her cape on the barbed wire.

"Ansela next." The thief did a triple somersault and landed in a graceful swanlike position.

Timmus 9.7 Alex 10.0 Rozy 9.4 Trip. 9.6 Cerrin 9.5

Ansela did a bow and told Timmus to get over next. The guy may have been strong but he was not agile, and he belly flopped into a patch of nettles.

"OWWW STINGY STINGAAYYY!" he wailed, and ran over to Ansela for a hug.

Rozy hopped over next, followed by Alex. Trip clambered over and fell on Alex.

"Gees, Tripper, have you been eating more sweets recently, ya weigh a ton!" Trip got off him and apologised about five times. Everyone sighed.

"Oh, look, gnomes!" Rozy squealed

The garden was huge and expansive, and very overgrown. Wotsisname obviously never bothered to hire a gardener. The gnomes were the freakiest thing Cerrin had seen since Alex's secret internet porn stash she found he uploaded on her computer. He never quite walked the same after that... Anyway, the garden was crap. The tower didn't look much better. It was painted black and it was flaky and crumbly. It was covered in graffiti by careless idiots who were probably among the garden gnome population right now.

As they reached the tower Cerrin was aware of a freaky presence, and it wasn't the garden gnome fountain that 'peed' into the pond.

"What the heck are you brats doing in my garden?" a creepy voice yelled, and the six of them turned to face the weirdo who stood there...


	10. The Face Off Against Wotsisname

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

SerraBradhadair: Finally we meet the big dude himself!

Timmus: Fumbledumby? Fumbledumbledehootisplat...?

Rozy: !

Cerrin: What kind of sick twisted parents would call their kid that? No wonder he turned out evil.

Chapter 10- The Face Off Against Wotsisname

An old, wizened man in a long, black, ragged robe had appeared out of nowhere, it seemed. His robe appeared to have shrunk a bit in the wash, which showed that he had very hairy legs and he wore sandals on his feet. He had a very very very (very very very!) long grey beard and long grey hair. He wore a black pointed wizard's hat and carried a long wooden staff with a sparkling magic gem on it, and a weird looking crow sat on his shoulder. In all, he was a walking cliché.

"What are you lot, some kind of weird fellowship?" He said, peering at them with piercing eyes.

"Dude, who are you?" Ansela asked, folding her arms and giving him a defiant glare. The wizard paused, as if trying to remember his own name, then thrust his arms in the air in a s stupid /s menacing way.

"Do you feel lucky, punk?"

"You're Dirty Harry?" Trip asked.

"Nope. Eh, what's up doc?"

"You aren't Bugs Bunny!" Rozy shouted.

"Guess again! I am the master of the One Ring!"

"Sauron?" Timmus looked at him.

"No! You shall not pass!"

"Dude, stop making Lord of the Rings references!" Alex shouted.

"In fact, stop making references to things that do not exist within the game world." Cerrin said.

"Fine! I'll tell you dumb brats who I am! I am the great evil wizard-" He drew in his breath.

"!" He gasped, out of breath. Trip, scared, tried to take a step backwards and fell over as usual. Wotsisname glared at him. "What?"

"Really?" Cerrin stared at him. "I pictured you younger. And fitter."

"Ooh, burn!" Ansela laughed. Wotsisname's face was now several shades of red and purple.

"And you seem very, very familiar to me somehow, but I cannot put my finger on it... have you visited any Final Fantasy conventions recently?" The wizard blenched.

"I would not be seen dead at a Final Fantasy convention! I have no connection to it whatsoever! WHATSOEVER! Now shut up you brats! I'm the focus of the scene here, so shut it and let me get on with destroying you all!"

"Hey, I'm not gonna be threatened by a dude wearing a dress!" Timmus yelled. The wizard glared at him.

"This is not a dress! It is a magic robe!"

"I'm not that clever but I do know what a DRESS is."

"Did you like, lose a bet at wizard school and get stuck with the skankiest robe there?" Ansela asked.

"Ansela, it's a dress." Timmus said.

"Robe!" The wizard shouted.

"Dress!"

"Robe!"

"Dress!"

"Robe!"

"Dress!"

"ROBE!"

"DRESS!"

"Shut up you two!" Cerrin shouted over the cacophony. "We did not come here to make fun of Wotsisname's dress-"

"ROBE!" The infuriated wizard screamed, his face going a rather lovely shade of magenta.

"Whatever." Cerrin continued. "We came about the Rune Essence. Now since you sealed the portal and are hogging it all to yourself, no one can make runes."

"Even though I don't know why that's a problem" Timmus scratched his head. "I mean you can just buy them from shops, right?"

"TIMMUS! If there is no Rune Essence the shops won't have runes to sell! And then there'll be no way I'll be able to sell it at a ridiculously extortionate rate to stupid people!" Ansela slapped her stupid brother round the head.

"If you are quite finished interrupting me, I shall continue. As a fully qualified witch I need Runes to use my powers."

"Well, tough titty little missy, cause I'm keeping all of the rune essence to myself! And my loyal servant should be back from crafting the last of the runes I need soon." A familiar stomping sound resonated from nearby, and a rather deep voice sounded:

"Achtung, Votsisname, I haf brought der Runes from der- Hey, vat is dat hässlicher Hund Cerrin und her gaggle of dummkopfs doing here?"

"Meryl?" Cerrin laughed. "I should have figured that you would stoop to something this low to become a better witch that me."

"Ich bin immer eine bessere Hexe als Sie gewesen! Du think you're sooo good, vat wif your Honour Roll und your fancy schpells und your Deutschen suplex- Meine Esel demands revenge fur der bruises you gave me!"

"Too much info, Peemstein." The two bitches glared at each other in a sort of freaky way, not speaking but both glaring intently. Ansela suspected that the second someone moved, they'd jump at each other and tear each other limb from limb.

"Anyway, Meryl here has been crafting runes for me from all the altars in Runescape. Soon I will control all the runes in Runescape, and no one will be able to use magic except for me! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Dude, that evil laugh is SO cliché. You wanna try something new, like 'ehehehehe'!" Alex said.

"Look, either you unseal the portal or I will Fire Blast your ass from here to Ardougne, first class PAIN!" Cerrin yelled, getting out her staff and her runes.

"Ooh, I'm so scared! Not!" he tapped his wand. "Meryl! Release my secret weapon!"

"Ja, sir. Heh heh heh!" Meryl ran over to a rather large red lever stuck inn the tower wall. A quick heave and the wall vanished, showing several cages with snarling, vicious creatures. Meryl unlocked the cage and they stumbled out, groaning and yelling fearsome cries-

"LOL! Ph33r es 4 w3 4r3 1337!"

"Bi mi ash!"

"LOL!"

"No way!" Cerrin shouted. Ansela stared at the creatures.

"It's... it's..."


	11. OMG te n00bs Atk!11

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

SerraBradhadair: What could be the creatures of evil Wotsisname released? You'll find out...

Chapter 12: OMG te n00bs Atk!11

Several smelly, shambling creatures stumbled out, loosing bloodcurdling moans and screeching for blood. Only they weren't zombies. They seemed to be ordinary people, but dressed in really crappy armour and foaming at the mouth. They snarled and grunted as they came closer, their soulless eyes focused on the group.

"N00bs!" Cerrin yelled.

"No, rabid n00bs!" Ansela yelled.

"I'm scared sis!" Timmus tried to hide behind Ansela, but he was taller and wider and so ultimately just looked a prat.

"Gah! You may be my little brother, but seriously?"

"Kleiner bruder?" Meryl raised her hand in the air to about Timmus' height. "Sind Sie ernst?"

"I think it's all the meat he eats. Y'know, protein and shit."

"Never mind him, what about them?" Alex screeched and pointed at the slavering n00bs stumbling over each other to get to them, whining and begging for money.

"Lyk giv me stuff or ill report u!11"

"LOL! LMAO! ROFL! XD"

"Can i hav sum coinz plz? i ned 2 by a miffy sord"

"What are we gonna do? They look mean!" Rozy wailed, gripping her sister's arm tightly.

"The only thing we can..." Cerrin muttered.

"RUN LIKE HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" Ansela screamed, and they all turned around and dashed across the lawns at the speed of Jeremy Clarkson driving a Ferrari whilst on E, knocking over countless gnomes as they escaped.

"Watch the bloody gnomes, you rotten little brats!" Wotsisname gathered a fireball in his hands and shot it at the group.

"Gyahh!" They all ran off in separate directions as the fireball flew in their direction. It left a huge crater in the lawn.

"Damn, I missed. Fine, I'll let you and the n00bs handle them." Wotsisname tried to sweep his robes but got it caught on his staff. "Damn, not again! Meryl, take care of the pests while I go untangle myself!" His beard momentarily slipped off his chin, but he quickly pressed it on. "Damn this thing is itchy..." he muttered quietly to himself.

"Ja, Herr Wotsisname, I vill take care of der brats, ooh ja I vill..." She cracked her huge fists together and laughed. "Cerrin Vyver, du bist mein! Muahahahahaha!"

"Don't copy my laugh!" Wotsisname yelled.

"Ich bin traurig. Anyvay, n00bs! Follow mich, I know some wunderbar people to beg off. Heh heh!"

Cerrin and Trip hid in a bush, exhausted from running from the n00bs. They had been split from the others and had no idea where the chuffing heck they were in this huge leafy tangle Wotsisname actually called a garden. They watched Meryl leading a n00b, who had a very large nose, on a lead, the n00b sniffing out begging material. They held their breath as they passed and let it out with a huge sigh.

"This is crap." Cerrin said.

"Yeah, that pretty much sums this day up." Trip sighed. "Shouldn't we look for the others?"

"Are you joking? It is everyone for themselves out here. I am not going to become part of the garden gnome population, thank you very much."

"Cerrin!"

"Oh, do not worry about it. Of course, I will help you."

"N00bs!"

"Shit!" She readied an Earth Bolt, ready to strike as the n00bs advanced on them.

When they had all been split up, Alex had dashed after Rozy. He knew he had to protect her. Plus there was a chance of a quick snog while Cerrin wasn't there to hit him. He grasped her hand urged her to follow him.

"Alex, the n00bs are following us!" Rozy squealed. Alex drew his Mithril Sword tried to fend them off, but the n00bs were greater in number and he knew he could not win. One of the n00b's faces lit up.

"Miffy sord!1 Gimme!" It squealed. The other n00bs shoved him to the ground and clamoured for the sword.

"no i wan teh mifthrl sword!1!"

"i want a miffy sord mor thn u st00pid n00b!"

"giv me or i repot u!1"

"Er..." Alex thought. "Hey, why don't all you n00bs fight each other for it? Winner gets the sword!"

"ROFL!" the n00bs proceeded to leap into a pile and duff each other up, letting Alex and Rozy escape.

Ansela used her gymnastic abilities to jump over the n00bs, while Timmus just ran into them and knocked them out without meaning to. There were about twenty n00bs following them, so Ansela ran to a door on the side of the tower, picked the lock and the two of them dashed in and barred it with a nearby suit of armour.

"Good thing that lazy plot device was there." Ansela said as the noobs slammed into the door, trying to get in. And that door had no magic on it. Either Wotsisname is a lazy bugger or this is the back door no one ever uses."

"Ansela, the n00bs are bashing the door!" The n00bs, instead of being smart and finding a battering ram, simply slammed themselves on the door. Several of them were sporting lovely broken noses and a couple were out cold. They got trampled in the rush as all the n00bs slammed themselves into the door.

"Let's find another way out and look for Cerrin! She'll know what to do!"

"I hope the n00bs don't get her."

"If any n00b crosses her, they'll live to regret it... if they live that long."

It was true that Cerrin had an intense, marauding hatred of all things n00bish. Even people who just used 'OMG' had to watch out. When she was younger a n00b made her cry and took her money. A few weeks later she brought Ansela along to mug him, and revenge was done. Any n00b she found since met a horrible fate; either Fire Blasted from wherever back to Tutorial Island for a lesson on actually living in Runescape, or simply beaten to a pulp with her staff.

The n00bs here ended up suffering the latter fate as Cerrin laid into them with her Air Staff.

"Take that, motherfuckers! Hiyah!" She screeched, knocking out two asking for money. A swift Air Bolt took out 'LOL boy' who still screeched 'LOL! LOL! LOL!' as he went flying into a thorn bush.

"Cerrin, you are seriously scaring me!" Trip muttered and took a few steps away from her.

"Whatever! Grab something and wallop one of them! I am on a roll her!" She swung her staff round and smashed a n00b into a wheelybin. She was so into beating up n00bs she never noticed someone jump on Trip and drag him away.

Alex and Rozy ran away from the n00bs as fast as they could. When the cries of 'STFU n00b' and 'WTF' could no longer be heard, they stopped and leaned against the wall of the tower. Rozy jumped around gleefully.

"Alex! You are so smart tricking those nasty n00bs like that!" She grabbed him and snuggled him. "I never knew you were so clever and brave!" Alex turned bright red.

"Heh, I know. I don't suppose I could get a snog, could I?"

"A snog? What's that?"

"Er... never mind. Let's get the hell out of this place."

"But what about Cerrin and the others?"

"They can all take care of themselves! Hell, Cerrin, Ansela and Timmus could probably take down a whole army of n00bs by themselves! I need to get you to safety, sweetcheeks."

"I wanna go find my sis! Now!" Rozy wailed. Alex groaned. He would never ever get off with Rozy at this rate.

"Fine! But if I find her, you have to snog me!"

"I still don't know what that means!"

"A kiss." Alex puckered up in expectation.

"Oh, I see! Ok:D" And she pecked him on the cheek and ran off, skipping happily. Alex smacked his head on the wall.

"Gahhh..."

Ansela's long honed sneaking skills were not at all helpful in their current situation, as Timmus lumbered around in the dark like a tap-dancing elephant. She grimaced as he knocked over another vase.

"Tim, could ya be any louder? We'll get found!"

"It's dark in 'ere!" Timmus whined. Ansela groaned and dug into her deep pockets. Damn, I must have left my tinderbox at home, she thought. She pulled out some fire runes, and she grabbed a nearby torch.

"I hope I get this right... Burn!" Cerrin had taught her how to make fire, but Ansela had never used it before. A flame burst out and lit the torch.

"Cool!" Timmus stood in awe.

"Yes, I am..."

"Ooh! Flamy thing!" He drooled. Ansela sighed at her brother's retardedness and walked on. A large stone door with many ornate carvings on it blocked their way, but Ansela could easily open a stone lock.

"Hold the torch..." She hadn't even started to pick the lock when the door swung open on it's own with a creek.

"Creeky door opens on its own? That's not good!" Timmus whimpered.

"Don't be a ba...by..." Ansela stepped into the room and gasped at what she saw.


	12. Things I Never Really Wanted to Know

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: Woo! What has Ansela found? Will Cerrin continue to beat the snot out of rabid n00bs? What happened to Trip? Will Rozy and Alex snog? Will Meryl drop her stupid accent? Will Wotsisname get a decent dress, I mean, robe? Will Timmus declare his undying love for meat? Will I ever shut up and get the hell on with it? Read on!

Chapter 13: Things I Never Really Wanted to Know

"What in the name of crap is this place!" Ansela stared into the gloomy room. As the two of them stepped in, the door suddenly shut tight on its own.

"Spooky noochies!" Timmus grabbed Ansela and practically hugged the life out of her.

"Gerroff you ogre!" she shoved him off. The torch barely illuminated the room, but several weird things were dotted around which looked like they were from a weird pagan ritual. There was a big altar in the middle of the room and Ansela walked over to look at it. It was inscribed with weird writings that made no sense. Cerrin would probably be able to read it, if she were here.

"So, you little pests have come!" Ansela swung the torch around and an egg chair also swung around. It was Wotsisname, but he had changed his robe to a big black coat. He sat petting a garden gnome on the head, and he put his little finger to the corner of his mouth and snickered.

"Creepy, seriously creepy dude."

"And such an obvious parody..." Ansela groaned.

"At least he changed out of his dress."

"It was a f-king robe you inbred bastard!" the purple faced wizard bellowed.

"Dress!"

"Robe!"

"Dr-!" Ansela smacked Timmus round the head with her lock picking kit.

"Don't start that again!" She turned to Wotsisname. "So this is your crib. I like the whole 'freaky pagan temple' look."

"All thanks to Changing Rooms!" the wizard grinned. "Anyway, I can't let you two run around my lovely tower, so I'm gonna have to lock you up with your little blue haired friend!" he snapped his fingers and Meryl grabbed the two of them and shackled them to restraints on the wall.

"Hey guys." Trip looked over at them. "You got captured too?"

"Nooo." Ansela's voice dripped with sarcasm. Meryl gave them smug looks before waltzing off to stand next to Wotsisname.

"Anyhoo..." a loud screech interrupted him and some n00bs came dragging Alex along by the hair.

"You'll never take me alive, n00b scum!" he yelled, kicking and thrashing. Meryl shackled him to the wall as well.

"Four out of six... so that bitch and the dippy blonde are still out there... well, they can't defeat all the n00bs themselves, so it's only a matter of time. I suppose you all want to hear my world domination plan?"

"Not really." Trip said.

"You really are a bunch of uppity little snotbags, aren't you? Well, I'll tell you all anyway. I plan to stop ordinary people from getting any runes!"

"Fiend!" Timmus yelled.

"Thank you. When no one has any runes, I will have access to every kind of rune in Runescape via the Rune Essence land and Meryl's expert crafting. I will sell them off at high prices and get enough money to buy Asgarnia!"

"You can't buy a country!" Ansela yelled.

"Of course I bloody well can! All those who oppose me will face my rabid n00b army, which grows every day! I will rule the world and Cloud isn't here to annoy me! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Cloud?"

"Never mind! You didn't hear that! There is no Cloud!"

"Ok, dude, you're starting to get weird." Alex said.

"He's starting to get weird?" Ansela looked at him. "Where have you been the past hour or so?"

"Anyway, I will rule the world! And you lot get the lovely honour of becoming my loyal servants!"

"Whoop dee frickin' doo."

"You have to do what I say, or you'll be turned into a rabid n00b!"

"What would you like us to do?" Alex grinned nervously.

"Thief girl, you can be my personal maid!"

"WTF? I'm not waiting on you!"

"Shut up! Green haired kid, you can be the cook!"

"Thank god!"

"Big brawny dude, my bodyguard."

"Grr..."

"And the clumsy little blue haired kid can mop the floors!"

"I hope I don't slip."

"And this will be the start of a new age! The Age of Se- Wotsisname!"

"Oh, I don't think so!" A heroic yet familiar voice sounded, and the silhouette of a pigtailed figure could be seen in the corner. "You, Wotsisname, are abusing your powers! You should help people, not hurt people!"

"Who are you, you do-gooder pigtailed girl?" Wotsisname's beard came loose again. "Crap!"

The heroic girl stepped out. Everyone stared.

"You are a bad person!" Rozy yelled. She was dressed as Sailor Moon, with the blue sailor collar, skin tight white leotard, red bows and short skirt. She even had the gloves, boots and funky tiara, and those weird hair buns. She pulled out a plastic moon wand and did all the funny arm motions from the anime.

"In the name of the moon, you're punished!"

And she did a 'V for victory' sign and a big crescent moon appeared behind her.

"Rozy! Wow you look so fricking hot in that outfit!" Alex purred, his eyes pink hearts, with a nosebleed and drool pouring out of his mouth.

"If I could move I would hit you." Ansela grumbled. "But Rozy, where the f-k did you get a Sailor Moon outfit?"

"I found it in Wotsisname's wardrobe when I hid from the rabid n00bs." Everyone stared at Wotsisname.

"What! I don't wear it... very often ...sometimes..."

"EWWWWWW!" Was the overwhelming response.

"Oh for crying out loud! Meryl! Get that stupid girl! But don't damage the outfit!" he roared. Meryl charged at Rozy like a bull on steroids.

"I vill get du, schtupid schwester ov Cerrin!"

"Moon Sceptre Toss!" Rozy flung the wand at Meryl and hit the bitch on the head, knocking her out cold.

"I vould like ein sauerkraut burger please..." She fell down like a hippo skydiver, flat on her fat face.

Now Wotsisname was cross. Really cross. F-king furious, actually. His face was totally purple, and he rose up and pulled a whacking great sword out of a sword holder next to his chair.

"Now I am SO pissed off with you brats! DIE!" His beard slipped off again. "Gahh! F-king cheap tat!" he pulled it off and tossed it away.

"HAH! I knew it!" another heroic voice called from the shadows.

"Oh f-k, not Sailor Jupiter..."

"Er, no. Although she is the coolest." Cerrin stepped out of the shadows, dressed in her usual black witch hat, black baggy robe top and ripped jeans. She tapped her black boots on the stone floor, smirking as she held her staff loosely in her right hand. "I am Cerrin Wyver, the biggest bitch in all of Asgarnia, probably even the world. Let me tell you I will not hesitate to get rid of you. I know who you really are!" Wotsisname gasped.

"You! You saw through my brilliant disguise!"

"Yes! I have been watching the past ten minutes, and you confirmed my suspicions. The coat, the dodgy white hair, rambling about Cloud, and the crap fake beard..." She pointed her staff at him menacingly.

"You are..."

LunaAska: Another cliffy! I love cliffies, they rule. If anyone can figure out who Wotsisname really is, you can have a free box of cookies!


	13. The True Baddie Revealed.

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: Last time I offered cookies to anyone who guessed Wotsisname's true identity. But I ate them! I'm a greedy cow, it's true! Anyway thanks for all the reviews, I have two new ones from Sular and Timeshalt. (FYI Meryl's accent is German, not Transylvanian, but yeah they do sound similar.)

Cerrin stepped out of the shadows, dressed in her usual black witch hat, black baggy robe top and ripped jeans. She tapped her black boots on the stone floor, smirking as she held her staff loosely in her right hand. Her orange-red hair gleamed in the pale light and her eyes sparkled. "I am Cerrin Wyver, the biggest bitch in all of Asgarnia, probably even the world. Let me tell you I will not hesitate to get rid of you. I know who you really are!" Wotsisname gasped.

"You! You saw through my brilliant disguise!"

"Yes! I have been watching the past ten minutes, and you confirmed my suspicions. The coat, the dodgy white hair, rambling about Cloud, and the crap fake beard..." She pointed her staff at him menacingly.

"You are..."

Chapter 14: The True Baddie Revealed.

"Sephiroth! From Final Fantasy VII!"

"Gahhh!" he tossed his hat off and stood there, fuming in all his Seppy-glory. "I see I underestimated you, bitch/witch. But you won't be able to stop me, not now, not ever!"

"Woah! It is Sephiroth! This is a plot twist that just makes no f-king sense!" Alex yelled.

"Uh, I never played FF VII. Who's Sephiroth?" Ansela looked incredibly puzzled.

"Only the most evil baddy in the history of all videogames! Except maybe Ganondorf." Cerrin told her. Sephiroth snorted.

"Ganondorf? That big nosed twit is never as good a baddy as me! He gets pwned by a titchy elf, for god's sake! And he wasn't even the hardest boss, Volvagia was! Anyway, back to me me me."

"Dude, you haven't changed at all since I played that game. You still have that crap haircut. You know, you should visit the Make-Over Mage. He does wonders." Cerrin flipped her gleaming hair. "But then so does herbal essences."

"I don't care about your hair... although it does look lovely... shiny... strokable..."

"Hey! Down boy!" Cerrin smacked him on the head with her staff. "Anyway, let's get back to your world domination plan. It was very clever. Assume the identity of some unknown wizard, gain control over something nearly everyone needs, except barbarians, and extort money to buy the whole world."

"Everything has it's price!" Sephiroth grinned. "Thanks to the Americans!" He paused. "Well, you are obviously the most intelligent of all you brats, tell me. What targets would I go after next?"

"Mines, to control the ores and make sure people have to pay through the nose for a mere Mithril Plate or such." Sephiroth glared.

"Damn you, that's right!" He brandished his huge sword menacingly. "I hate smart bitches."

"Then you'll loathe me. I have the highest intelligence quotient in all Runescape, not difficult really when you consider most other players."

"Fine, you're so smart, tell me where the real Wotsisname is?"

"Considering his proficiency with cursing and the fact that all his garden gnomes are still here I'd say on holiday, probably somewhere sunny."

"The real Wotsisname is on vacation in Karamja, yes."

"As I thought. You are a lot more astute than most antagonists I have been acquainted with."

"You like to use big words a lot don't you?"

"Yes, considering the fact I have an exceedingly comprehensive lexicon compared to the majority of the populace."

"Meh?" Timmus stared.

"She knows a lot of words, dummy!" Ansela yelled.

"Forget my vocabulary, we still haven't disucced the matter of the Rune Essence. I'm getting more pissed off every second."

"Well, if it's that much to you, fight for it!"

There was a silence for a second, then it went dark and some cool background music came on. Sephiroth and Cerrin were stood opposite sides of the room, weapons drawn, and a few menus popped up out of nowhere. Timmus stared.

The others watched helplessly as Cerrin and Sephiroth engaged in fierce combat. Rozy stood there, gaping. Ansela looked at her lock picking tools on the floor.

"Roz! Unlock us?"

"What with?"

"The tools, nit!"

"I can't see any toolboxes :D besides how would a spanner get you out?"

"The lock picking tools under my feet you stupid cow."

"T.T Fine..." Rozy undid the shackles and one by one they jumped up for joy and landed on the floor.

"FREEDOM!" Alex screamed, hugging Trip. "I LOVE YOU!"

"Dude, you're making me feel really uncomfortable."

"Thank god. I did not want to be that guy's personal maid." Ansela picked up her lock picking tools and hugged them. "My beloved!"

"I think you'd look sexy in a maid's outfit..." Ansela thumped him hard on the head.

"YAY! My hands are free! I can pwn again:D" she jumped for joy and smacked Alex on the face repeatedly. "Hahahahaa! XD"

Cerrin and Sephiroth were locked in tempestuous combat:

Cerrin HP 10000/ 10000 MP 200/ 200

Sephiroth HP 25000/ 25000 MP 400/400

"Ha, beeyatch! My stats are waaaayyy higher than yours!" he whacked her with his sword, but instead of bleeding her HP went down.

Cerrin HP 8700/10000 MP 200/ 200

Sephiroth HP 25000/ 25000 MP 400/400

"Oh, shut your trap! Fire Blast!

Cerrin HP 8700/10000 MP 141/ 200

Sephiroth HP 20900/ 25000 MP 400/400

"Ow! You're a mean bitch!"

"Whaddya expect? Now, prepare to die!" Sepiroth just laughed and swung his sword at her again, knocking off a good chunk of HP.

Cerrin HP 3400/10000 MP 141/ 200

Sephiroth HP 20900/ 25000 MP 400/400

"She's gonna DIE!" Rozy wailed.

"Not necessarily. There's one thing that can kill Sepiroth in an instant."

"What is it?" The teary Rozy asked Alex.

"Cerrin babe will figure it out. She's smart like that... and sexy too." He quickly ducked to avoid Ansela's uppercut.

Cerrin HP 3400/10000 MP 141/ 200

Sephiroth HP 20900/ 25000 MP 400/400

"You are so pathetic! I'll finish you off now, bitch! Even if you have a Phoenix Down hidden in those tight ripped jeans, I'll kick your fat ass!" Cerrin glared at him.

"FAT ASS?"

"Ooh, Seppy's dead now!" Alex sniggered.

"It's called bootylicious, baby! Now I'm so pissed off! I'm gonna finish you with THIS!"

"Gasp! NO! Not that!"

"Yes, that!"

"No, not that!"

"Yes, that!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

"For f-k's sake, what is it!" Ansela screamed.

"A Knights Of The Round!"

"GAH!"

Cerrin HP 3400/10000 MP 141/ 200

Sephiroth HP 0/ 25000 MP 400/400

"Where did you get that- ugh!" Sepiroth fell down, groaning.

"Broom cupboard, down the hall, third door on the right. You shouldn't leave stuff than can destroy you lying around."

"Damn you! I will get you!" And he threw a smoke bomb on the floor. They were momentarily shocked until they saw the smoke clear and Sephiroth just starting to run away.

"Dangit! Why do I buy cheap stuff!" he dashed out of the room leaving everyone staring.

"HEY! Stun!" Cerrin bowled him over with her spell.

"Oi! That's a member's only spell that you're not supposed to know!"

"This is a fanfic and I can do whatever the heck I like! Now, you'd better unseal that portal or I will seriously pummel you!" She raised her staff. "You see how dumb Alex is!"

"NO! I'll unseal it! And I'll call off the rabid n00bs but don't hurt meee...!"

All: O.o

Seppy snapped his fingers, and in the distance a light shimmered. He got up and ran away crying like a baby.

"That was beyond freaky." Trip said. "Hey, look, he dropped something- oops!" Trip fell over and landed on the floor. "Ow."

"An Amulet of Glory! Mine!" Cerrin snatched it up.

"Aren't they for members only?" Timmus said.

"Wanna make something of it, Tim!"

"Noo..." He shrunk away. A loud groan was heard. Meryl was starting to come to.

"Oh I hope I didn't hurt her too bad :O"

"Rozy, you are hopeless..." Ansela slapped her forehead in frustration.

"Achtung! Ver is der Sephiroth?"

"Oh, he left wailing and sobbing out that door." Cerrin pointed in the direction he had fled.

"Gyah! Der schtinkink coward! He leaf me here to get beaten up by schtupid Cerrin und her band of schieβekopfs!"

"We won't beat you up :D let's be friends!"

"Ach! Sailor Moon! Chrish what haf I been drinkink lately? Forget you! I vill go back to Falador und get pissed on Dwarf Schtout. Den I vill plot revenge! Revenge, I tell you! On you, Cerrin, ich hasse you more dan ich hasse meine menstrual crampen, also on der sneak thief who stole meine wallet, on der stupid clumsy kinder who trod on my foot, der sexy dummkopf who called me hottie- Call me, baby!" She winked at Alex, who flinched and hid behind Timmus. "Der big guy wif der meat obsession und of course, you, Sailor Moon und your love und justice crap- YAAAA!" And she ran out of the tower on her way to Falador. "KAWAIIIIII!"

Everyone stared like O.o'

"I think I hit her on the head too hard :O"

I can't remember Seppy's stats, I haven't played the game in years. My mum gave it to a car boot sale, plague of locusts for her, grr... Actually, if anyone's got a spare copy they can sell me please email.

I know the dudes out of character, but this is a parody, and it wouldn't be funny otherwise.


	14. Bar Fight

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: All is well on the quest front as the team is approaching Falador again after many hours of walking, getting distracted and being accosted by a weird German girl, some rabid n00bs and finally Sepiroth dressed as a wizard. However things will not go smoothly, no. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Alex: Geez, could you keep it down? I'm studying!

LunaAska: ...Uses of Whipped Cream in Bondage?...

Alex: Hehe...

LunaAska: Cerrin! Ansela! Sic him!

Cerrin/Ansela: Grr! pull out weapons and march over menacingly

Alex: AHHH! runs

Chapter 15: Bar Fight

After a long and confusing time the six of them left Wotsisname's tower behind. As they left Trip stumbled and fell on top of Cerrin.

"Trip!"

"Sorry." They got up and dusted themselves off.

"Too bad we didn't find the real Wotsisname. We coulda got rid of your curse." Alex said.

"We're going to look for Wotsisname just so we can get rid of Trip's curse? Oh, Alex, that's so sweet!" Rozy chirped.

"N- I mean, sure!"

"Sephiroth mentioned Wotsisname going on holiday to Karamja. Now that's over the sea, but it shouldn't be too hard to get to." Cerrin surveyed her map. "We go to Port Sarim first..."

"Are we going on a boat?" Timmus asked.

"No, we're swimming." Ansela said sarcastically.

"Really?" Timmus stared. Everyone else groaned and carried on walking.

After toiling on a hard journey for many hours the 'heroes' were again approaching the wondrous city of Falador. It boasted many enjoyable attractions, including the mining guild, several well stocked shops, the White Knight's castle and best of all, a great pub. That was their first stop when they got back to Falador. Cerrin ordered a Wizard Mind Bomb and sat on a stool with her feet on the bar. The bartender thought of complaining but he knew from experience not to mess with a tired bitch. They were crankier than an enraged Barbarian Woman with PMT.

"Gawd, I'm so tired..." Ansela flopped on a bar stool.

"Hey, don't sit around!" Alex sat in between them and wrapped his arms around the two of them. "I mean, we defeated Wotsisname/ Sephiroth, shouldn't we celebrate?"

"How about you get your grubby paws off us and we celebrate, hm?" Cerrin glared at him. He backed away slowly.

"I can take a hint..."

And boy did they all celebrate. Once the news was out that the portal to the Rune Essence was re-opened a hoarde of mages ran into the pub and ordered up all the Wizard Mind Bombs. Cerrin joined them all in a toast to the runes while everyone else just started to drink as much ale as possible. And pretty son they were all drunk and getting down on the dancefloor to the latest songs on Rune FM- Runescape's only radio station.

"And here we have the very latest song from the band of da moment!" The DJ shouted. "It's 'Don't Stab Me in The Heart Baby' from the Runite Maces!"

'Oh baby, don't stab me in the heart

Your Adamantite Sword is so sharp

Don't you stab me please

Take my Rune Plate

Take my Mithril Scimmy

Take all the crap in my bank but don't leave me...'

"What crap." Cerrin muttered. "Put something good on."

"Beer all round!" Ansela chugged her fifth ale. "It's time to PAR- TAAYY!"

"YAY!" Everyone raised their drinks and gulped them down.

"Man, I really needed to relax..." Timmus sprawled on the floor, dead drunk. Unlike Ansela he couldn't handle his drink and two pints sent him into a stupor, but currently he was on four. Trip decided not to drink as he always ended up somewhere funny whenever he did, not to mention his clumsiness making him even more accident prone. Rozy absent-mindedly gulped down beer, as Alex had told her it was a nice drink that made people have more fun.

"Havin' fun doll?" Alex asked Rozy and put his arm around her drunkenly.

"Not really, I feel a little dizzy."

"Well come up to my room and we'll do something fun..."

"Like play Cluedo?"

"Er..."

"Ok!" The naïve Rozy clapped her hands in glee, totally unaware of what Alex was getting at. Cerrin, however, the protective older sister, was not happy with Alex, and got out the select four Air, five Fire and one Death runes she'd been saving for a rainy day.

"Touch my sister and I'll Fire Blast your candy ass outta here!" Alex was well aware of Cerrin's magical prowess and decided he'd rather give up than face his ass being burnt off. He then went over to the busty barmaid and tried his luck. A tray in his face was the answer he got.

After a few more drinks Cerrin and Ansela decided it would be a good idea to sing karaoke. Neither of them could sing for toffee, but after the huge drunk 20 stone bald guy murdering 'My Heart Will Go On' anything sounded infinitely better.

They stepped up to the stage and the band started the music, and the two started to sing.

I think I'm gonna need some therapy

Oh baby I hope you got a PHD

Woncha lay me on your leather couch

I got a lot I need to talk about

I think I'm crazy think I'm stupid musta lost my mind

Wonder what I'm thinking loving you boy cause if you were mine

I'd really go insane you'd be my favourite thing

I go ballistic yeah you're making me a CRAZY CHICK!

You driving me to insanity

All the things you do you make me come unglued

I just can't help myself I need professional help... Help...

"Woo! Go sexy crazy chicks!" Alex whooped and got hit in the face by a beer mug. "Ooh, flying birdies..." THUMP!

"That was crap!" Timmus rambled drunkenly. "At least it was better than that fat guy, he sucked."

"OI!" The big fat guy came over. "You got some nerve, kid!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"There he goes again..." Ansela downed a Dwarven Stout. Sitting next to her, on her fifteenth stout was Meryl, but she was too drunk to care that they were there. Meryl was obviously depressed and decided to drink to cheer herself up. Listen love, it doesn't work like that.

"Oh meine Lieblingsjung..." Meryl cooed at Alex, who was totally bladded and just waved and fell over.

There was a loud THUMP and the 20 stone karaoke guy had smashed a bar stool on Timmus' head. Timmus tood there for a minute in silence then stared at the bald guy. "Did somethin' just hit me?" He yelled.

"OMG that guy hit Timmus on the head :O" Rozy squealed.

"So? S'not like there's anything up there anyway." Ansela said as the two guys grappled each other and smashed each other on to tables.

"Woo! Fight fight fight!" Alex cheered.

"Eine bar fight! Das ist der most interessant thing to 'appen in dis run down pub alle nacht."

"Heyyy..." Alex had had five Asgarnian Ales and seven Dwarven Stouts, and he was too drunk to know exactly who he was talking to. His beer goggles were working overtime on Meryl and the twelve pints of ale made her look like a slim, busty stunner to him. "Wanna watch the fight toge'er?"

"Ooh, ja!" She said, chugging down ale while watching the 20 stone guy smash a beer glass on Timmus' head.

"Ow. That hurt." Timmus fell on the floor out cold. The fat guy was about to perform The People's Elbow when Ansela had a momentary pang of sisterly love and jumped up, grabbed a nearby Dragon Mace from some random guy and beat the drunk fat guy's head in.

"Gimme back my mace!" The guy she had pinched it off got up and yelled. He was about seven feet tall and ten feet wide and had full spiked armour.

"Make me." She rested the head of the mace on the floor and leant on it in a 'I'm too cool' pose.

"Fine!" the dude grabbed a Mithril Scimitar from his pack. Ansela swung the mace and hit the guy in the face. (Hey that rhymes!) She smiled and left holding her newly acquired mace, scimitar and Spiked Armour.

Everyone (Except Trip) was drunk. The girls were much better off than the guys. Ansela, despite having drank seven pints of ale was relatively normal, although there really weren't many people who would describe her as 'normal'. Cerrin had about ten Wizard Mind Bombs, and would grumpily blast anyone who offended her with a super powered spell. They were drunk, but stupid Rozy had gone and got herself totally pissed, hadn't she?

"F-k you! F-k this! F-k bunnies and kittens! F-k everything I f-kin' hate you! F-k!"

"This is Rozy when drunk?" Ansela looked over at the cussing girl. "I think I prefer her this way than her 'I love fluffy things and pink glitter' style."

"Uh huh." Cerrin nodded as they watched Rozy kick a pillow round the room, effing and blinding.

Alex woke up in his bed with the sunlight and a big smile on his face. And a really huge hangover. He had pulled a girl last night. Couldn't remember her name, but it was fun. He saw blonde hair peeking out of the covers. Rozy? The barmaid? He thought. The girl gave a very loud snore. Definitely not Rozy. He pulled the covers off and got the biggest shock of his life.

"OH MY F-KING GOD!"


	15. Hungover Heroes

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: thank you all my lovely reviewers! I shall rain cookies and cake on you all! Anyway I have been off camping at Chatsworth all week and I haven't been near a computer (or a bath or a bed or some chips) for a whole week, and that's why I haven't updated.

Chapter 16: Hungover Heroes

"OMFG! I slept with MERYL!" Alex screamed, jumping out of his bed. "God I must have been pissed out of my head!"

"Guten Morgen meine Lieblingsjung! Wow, du bist so sexy, und last night war..."

"AAGGHH!" Alex ran out of the room, out of the inn and down the street wrapped in a sheet, screaming at the top of his voice. "AAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH..."

Meanwhile the other five were getting out of bed with serious hangovers (except Trip) and falling over (including Trip). Thankfully they had all managed to get back to their own beds with no extra people. Cerrin rubbed her achy head and pulled her bright red birds nest, sorry, hair, out of her face and rubbed her blearly eyes and blinked. She dragged herself out of bed and stunmbled over to the mirror.

"God what I'd give for hair straighteners..." She rubbed her temples."I hope no one makes any loud noises..." She got interrupted by a loud screech coming down the corridor followed by what sounded like a rampaging rhino with hemarroids. She stuck her head out the door and saw a horrid sight, as did the other four.

"Komm back, Alexy baby!"Merylscreeched, running after him down the street in her underwear. Not pretty. At all. The other five simply stared as they ran down the road, a green haired blur followed by a twenty stone walrus sized blob.

"Did I see that or am I just drunk?" Ansela blinked.

"Nope." Said Trip, the only one who had remained sober. "That was real." He shuddered.

"Ew..." Timmus winced. "They did it!"

"TIM! Now I can't get the image out of my head argh it's horrible get it out get it out get it out..." Cerrin dumped a bucket of water on Ansela's head. "Thank you Cer."

"Did what?" Rozy asked. Everyone ignored her.

"Alex really will go for anything, won't he?" Trip said. Everyone nodded.

"Well, I can't think of two people who deserve each other more." Everyone except Rozy fell over laughing.

"Aww you're happy for them :D"

"Rozy, you are stupid beyond belief..."


	16. A Thief Girl Went To Sea Sea Sea…

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: Two reviews, one anonymous one and two others.

Supa-girl- Yeah, it is dumb. Heh

Yuki N Shuichi 4Eva- Pudding is funny, yes. And I'm glad it makes you laugh cause my sister hates me for making her look dumb in it. (She's Rozy)

Rozy: Pudding! Heheheheheheheee!

Cerrin: Alright, who gave Rozy the $!#! sugar!

Chapter Seventeen: A Thief Girl Went To Sea Sea Sea…

Port Sarim was the largest sea port in all of Runescape. It was bustling with life, teeming with pirates and a hub of trade. A lovely sea side venture it eternally held the scent of the sea. (Rotten fish.) Besides this all there was was a jewellery shop and an overpriced Magic Shop. Cerrin hated buying Runes: she felt it discredited her ample Runecrafting abilities. Anyway, the group pressed on from Fally and it was a few days before they reached the stinky jetty.

Their first port of call (snort) was the pub, obviously. Alex sat in the corner, having vowed to abstain from drink since the Meryl incident, still fresh in all their minds as the funniest thing to happen since Timmus set his trousers on fire cooking salad. Cerrin secretly thought it was about time Alex finally managed to get a girl- he was what, nineteen? What a loser...

"So."Ansela said as she wiped the cream of her upper lip. Boy that girl can drink. "Where in this rat hole can we get a boat?"

"Well the harbour is a safe bet." Cerrin leant back against the bar with an air of cool. Ansela leant back and the air emanated from them. Timmus tried to lean on the bar but fell over.

"Get up you muppet and get moving!" Cerrin gulped her beer down. "We need to find a boat, post haste!" And she grabbed Timmus by the ear and dragged him out.

The harbour was very busy and they had a lot of trouble finding a boat. When they eventually did Cerrin was extremely disappointed in it.

"WTF!" Cerrin stared at the barnacle encrusted bark floating in front of her. "I am not paying you 100 gold pieces for a ride on this leaky heap!"

"Arr, she be not a leaky heap!" The barnacle encrusted pirate arr-ed. "She be the pride an' joy of me life!" He chewed on his pipe. "How about fifty?"

"How about you let us ride for free and we won't keel haul you off the hull!" Ansela pulled out her Adamantite Dagger.

"Arr... ye drive a hard bargain, lassie. Alreet, I'll take ya all for free. How's that, lassie?"

"Don't call me lassie!"

And so they boarded the rather suspicious looking floating heap known as 'The Squiffy Saradomin' and sat on the deck, unaware that below them a bunch of bloodthirsty pirates were sharpening their cutlasses and buckling their swashes.

"Arr, hoist the rigging and climb the sails!" The captain yelled. Cerrin suspected he was senile but gritted her teeth and waited as the ship veered out of port to the land of Karamja...

The ship, although it seemed like a leaky heap, actually sailed fairly well, Cerrin thought as they drifted along. The sea was fairly calm today, although it still bobbed the boat up and down a bit. Timmus obviously felt the bobbing more than anyone else as he was puking copiously over the side of the boat. Ansela was rubbing him on the back and patting him on the head, sighing at her forced sisterly role. Alex and Rozy were at the head of the boat, and Alex was holding her round the waist.

"Hold your arms out Rozy, and you'll fly!"

"Wheee! I'm flying!" The ditz giggled. Cerrin sighed and decided to ignore them for now. With any luck they'd both fall off. She continued to stare into the distance as Port Sarim got smaller and smaller and finally disappeared over the horizon.

"Hey, Cerrin, what are you looking a- aaah!" Trip had walked over to her, tripped over a coil of rope and gone cannonballing over the side of the ship. Lightning fast Cerrin grabbed him by the foot and hauled him up, straining with the effort. Physical effort was not to her liking...

"Sorry Cerrin." Trip grinned from his upside down position. Cerrin sighed.

"Maybe you should go sit below decks." The witch rolled her eyes. Trip clung to the banister tightly and looked over at the horizon.

"Well, I sort of feel like a burden here."

"Hmm? Why?" The red haired witch narrowed her gaze.

"Well we're all going to Karamja to find Wotsisname because of my curse, and I feel bad about dragging you and the others out here." Cerrin sighed.

"Is that it? Trippy, we are happy to go to Karamja for you. Besides, it gives us something to do and helps the plot along."

"Thanks Cerrin. I know you're a bitch but you're the only one here who's nice to me."

"Don't mention it." Trip laughed, and she glared at him. "No, really. If it gets out I'm nice to you all the time my rep will be ruined." Trip laughed nervously, unsure whether she was joking or not, and walked off to below deck, making sure he kept an eye on where he walked.

Now the pirates down below were seriously bored. They had already sang '99 Bottles of Rum on the Keel' a hundred times, played I-Spy to death (I spy something beginning with 'W' started to get boring) and now they were getting antsy.

"Arr!" shouted Peg Leg Pat, the biggest and dumbest of the pirates roared. "I wanna hit summat!" He smacked his barrel fists together.

"My dear Pat." Smirky, the eloquent and refined dandy purred. "Patience is a virtue."

"Ah don wan beh paf'ent!" Cutlass Gob Joe said, so called because he always had his cutlass in his mouth. Which impaired his speech somewhat.

"I think we been plenty patient." Twee Deldum, the token fat guy grunted. "Go up and ask Captain Jack if we can start robbin' em yet." They all got up just as Trip came down the stairs with a thump.

"Owch." He said, rubbing his sore rear. He opened the door wondering if it led to somewhere safe to sit, and came face to face with a bunch of evil pirates.

"Looks like we got a visitor." Pat grinned.

"Er... I think I'm in the wrong place..." Trip backed off as the pirates advanced on him.

Up on deck the voyage was very quiet and serene, save for Timmus' constant retching. Cerrin was sitting on a coil of old rope, enjoying the serene sea air. A seagull flew over above and pooped on her hat. It then found itself charred and roasted in the ocean. Cerrin cast a Water Strike on her hat to wash it off and went back to enjoying the sea air. Everyone else save Timmus was enjoying themselves. Alex was topping up his 'tan', Rozy was skipping around singing 'Yo ho yo ho...' and Ansela was having a long chat with the pirate captain about pillaging.

"I think I'll go see how Trip's doing :D" Rozy skipped off to below decks with no one paying her any attention.

She skipped below deck happily then opened the door.

"Hey Trip... AIEE!" There were about half a dozen pirates in the room, and Trip was in the middle tied up like a turkey while the pirates counted the gold coins from his pocket. They turned round with big toothy grins, but in the case of Boxer Bert, toothless grins.

"Ello poppet."

Screaming her tiny lungs out Rozy ran up to the deck much to the surprise of everyone else.

"Rozy, what are you screaming about?" Cerrin shook her screaming sister by the shoulder. Rozy stopped screaming and was about to talk when Cerrin's question was answered by a dozen pirates running up on deck, cutlasses ready, and murderous looks on their ugly faces. "Oh dear."


	17. Smackdown Aboard The SS Squiffy Saradomin

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: Will they escape the pirates? Find out soon!

Trip: I hope it's soon cause these ropes are starting to chafe.

Rozy: AIEEEEE...

LunaAska: PS My French is not very good so if I get Smirky's banter wrong, blame my old teacher.

Chapter 18: Smackdown Aboard The SS Squiffy Saradomin

Last Chapter- The gang was surrounded by a bunch of bloodthirsty, evil, vicious, (albeit rather stupid) pirates. They are in the middle of the ocean with no way to escape, and Trip has been taken hostage. Their only choice?

Beat the crap out of 'em!

"Yar harr harr!" The pirate captain walked out, with a parrot on his shoulder, although where it came from was a mystery to Cerrin. "I be Captain Short Jack Quicksilver, captain of the Squiffy Saradomin and all her scurvy crew."

"Where's Trip?" The pirates looked at each other for a moment.

"Uhh?" Smirky, the refined and eloquent (compared to the rest of the scruffy lot) Frenchie pirate stepped forward.

"Your blue haired friend? I'm afraid he's a little... tied up at the moment." The pirates roared with laughter.

"That was so crap." Ansela muttered.

"Even I'm above that." Timmus looked up from his position of barfing over the side.

"Arr, anyway, we be takin' all yer money and stuff now, so surrender!" He drew his cutlass and arr-ed menacingly.

Cerrin stood there, staring at the gaggle of pirates with one eyebrow raised. What a dumb lot. Ansela drew her trusty Addy Dagger, Rozy gripped her Shortbow nervously and Alex drew his Mithril Sword, trying his best to look heroic, but he just looked shit-scared. Timmus was barfed dry and gripped his Battleaxe to sop himself falling over. Cerrin readied her staff and her Runes.

"Boys and girls, are you ready?" The pirates stared. "CHAAARRRRGE!"

It was mad. Cerrin smacked every pirate that got near her in the 'sensitive area' and was constantly chucking Fire Waves left right centre everywhere. Using her staff as a balance she spun in a circle kicking pirates all over- something she picked up along her journey. She then jumped high in the air and smacked her boot into the jaw of an unfortunate pirate. The resounding crack made all the remaining pirates surrounding her abandon ship, screaming.

Ansela was enjoying herself far too much as she kicked a pirate off the side of the boat. She ran up to one pirate and they grappled fiercely, and she managed to throw him on the ground. Like a cat she clambered up the rigging and jumped on him. She held him in a leg lock and he screeched and thumped the ground.

"Use the chair!" Timmus yelled as he punched the face of a guy he had in a headlock and he threw her a wooden deckchair, which she proceeded to whack the guy over the head with. Then Timmus came over and held her high in the air for a finishing move-

"The Varrockian Vertebrae-Buster!" She jumped high in the air, put her fists together and dove onto the guys back, and a sickening crack rang out.

"OW my spleeeen!"

"10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ROAARR!" Timmus yelled. Ansela jumped on the now unconscious guy.

Alex was locked in combat with Smirky, the fop. Their swords clashed as they jumped around the ship á la Pirates of the Carribean. Alex was not a particularly good sword fighter at the best of times, and now was not good.

"You cannot win, du vert-chevau-prat." The git purred. "For I studied fencing at the finest academy on this fair earth, and you obviously learned your sword fighting from your mother!"

"Yeah, my mom did show me how to sword fight. How'd you know?" Smirky gave Alex a funny look and they continued fighting. Climbing the rigging they continued their fight all the way up to the crow's nest, where Rozy was twanging arrows from. One missed the guy she aimed for and hit the parrot, who flew off screeching.

Alex jumped into the crows nest, exhausted.

"Hi Alex :D"

"Hey Rozy- WHOA!" Smirky aimed a stab at Alex's ankles, and he fell and clung to the edge. Smirky climbed into the nest, smirking. He was about to stab Alex's fingers when he saw Rozy.

"Bonjour, mon petite blonde cherie..." He kissed her hand. "How lovely to meet you..."

"You talk funny :D hee hee!" Rozy giggled.

"What a charming laugh..." He smoothed his over trimmed moustache, perfect hair and wrinkle free silk shirt and swirled his purple cloak. "My name is Smirky La Tereauseux... charmed, mademoiselle."

"Hee:D"

"Hey you aristo-arsehole woman stealing froggy! Get off Rozy!" Alex jumped over the side and kicked Smirky off the edge.

"Bye:D" Rozy waved at him as he fell screaming, right down through the deck into the ship's toilet.

"D'ya mind?" The guy sitting there reading the paper yelled.

"Oh! Merde!" Which was in fact, what he was covered in?

Timmus and Ansela were still duffing up the remaining pirates when Alex and Rozy got down from the crow's nest. Cerrin smacked a pirate trying to get up with her staff and knocked him out cold.

"Where's Trip?" Before they could get an answer, there was a loud 'ahem' from behind. They all turned.

Twas the pirate captain, Short Jack Quicksilver. True to his name he was a midget.

"This should be easy..." Timmus spoke as Jack pulled out a gun.

"There are no guns on Runescape." Cerrin told him.

"Arr! I be a pirate and I follow no one's rule! Now get back ya stinky twerps or ya'll all be in Davy Jones' Locker! Besides pirates need guns."

"Rozy, stand back and let me protect you!" Alex stepped forward with his sword drawn. Captain Jack pointed the gun in the air and fired it, causing Alex to run and hide behind several barrels, whimpering. Cerrin and Ansela rolled their eyes.

"Wow, what a man." Ansela's voice practically oozed with sarcasm. Then captain Jack turned the gun towards the rest of them.

"Which one o' you will walk the plank first, then? How bout one o' you pretty ladies?" He grinned, and Ansela glared at him in disgust.

"Piss off you mother-f-king pussy-licking Birdseye potato waffle!"

"WHAT did you call me you rotten little sea wench! I oughta..." He never finished his sentence as Trip, still tied up from head to toe, came hopping up the stairs.

"Guys what's going on heeeeee-!" He tripped at the last step and fell on Captain Jack, knocking the gun out of his hand, and it landed on Jack's head, knocking him out. Cerrin picked it up and tossed it over the side. She then hugged Trip tightly.

"Your clumsiness is truly blessed, Trip!"

"Stop hugging me I'm getting rope burn!"


	18. Tears At Bedtime

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: Nineteen chaps already?

Ansela: Yeah, time flies when the author makes you fight off a bazillion bloodthirsty pirates and have to escape the ship and row a creaky old life boat to Karamja for her own amusement!

LunaAska: For all those interested, there is a picture of the six on fanart central- the link is on my profile.

Chapter Nineteen- Tears At Bedtime

Ansela groaned as she heaved the heavy oars to and fro. She and Timmus were stuck rowing as they were the two strongest. Unfortunately it seemed to have been hours since leaving the pirate ship in a lifeboat and it was starting to get dark. She sighed as Alex looked at the map again, his eyes squinting in the poor light.

"S'funny... we should be at Karamja by now. You tow need to row faster." He smirked at Ansela.

Two seconds later an oar swung around with ferocious force and the idiot went screaming into the sea.

Sighing, Cerrin and Trip hauled the idiot out. Alex resurfaced, spitting the salty water out. As they pulled him out, several green fish came out too.

"FISH :D" Timmus drooled.

"Not just fish, Karambwji! We're near Karamja! Full speed ahead!" Ansela grabbed her oars tightly and rowed like a maniac as fast as she could, before Timmus could even pick up his beloved fish.

"This is fun:D" Rozy squealed.

Night had fallen by the time they had got there. Karamja was much less busy during the night. The natives all went to bed and the only people there were a few n00bs trying to catch fish with a small net. Ansela tutted and the group tried to find somewhere to sleep for the night. Unfortunately the natives, although reasonably intelligent, didn't know what an inn was, and so the group were forced to sleep on a bunch of palm leaves under their cloaks. Timmus sat grumbling about the lack of food, Ansela groaned about the temperature.

"It's so fricking cold!"

"Why don't you snuggle me to keep warm?" WHACK! "I can take a hint..."

"I could cast a heat spell but SOMEONE used all my fire runes up to try and cook his bear meat!"

"How was I supposed to know Fire Runes weren't the same as fire?" Everyone ignored him. There was a whimper from Rozy.

"Cerrin?"

"What?"

"I can't sleep. Will you tell me a story?"

"Who the f-k do I look like, mom!"

"You do sort of look like her :D you have the same hair." Cerrin snarled into her makeshift pillow of rolled up robes and then sat up.

"Fine. We're going to waste a chapter storytelling. Happy?"

"Yay :D" The silly little girl got up and jumped around, cheering.

"I wonder if mom had an affair with the milkman..." Cerrin thought for a moment. "Right. I shall now tell the story of The Princess and The N00b."

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who lived in the kingdom of Misthalin. Many princes wanted to marry her but she turned them all down."

"One day when she snook out the palace for a walk she met a stupid n00b. His strange mannerisms were a welcome break from the stuffy princes, and her beauty and grace was enchanting to him. After a short while talking they were in love."

"Aww!"

"Shut up Rozy. Anyway, when the king overheard his beloved daughter was in love with a n00b, he was really pissed off. He ordered the guards to lock his daughter in her room, and scour all n00bs from the kingdom."

"Ooh!"

"But her love escaped the mass scouring and sent a message by pigeon to the princess asking to meet near the river that led to the kingdom of Asgarnia. The princess slipped out in the middle of the night through a secret passage through an underground stream. Unfortunately she fell in and drowned."

"Oh no!"

"The guards found her in the morning floating face down in the water. When her love heard, he was so miserable and grief stricken he stabbed himself in the heart with his Iron Scimitar. His body was found with a note he meant to give to his love when she came. But alas neither would see the other ever again."

"That's so tragic!" Alex wailed, blowing his nose on his sleeve. "They were so young!"

"Waah!" Rozy burst into tears and she and Alex hugged each other. Ansela groaned.

"It's not a real story! Tell them Tim..." Timmus was sobbing loudly into his pillow. Cerrin and Ansela sighed.

"You're not crying are you Trip?"

"No... but that was so sad..." he sniffed quietly. Cerrin sighed and pulled her cloak over her and tried to get to sleep with all the sniffling, a real challenge, but somehow she managed to do it.

Trip lay awake all the night. Tomorrow they would all look for Wotsisname to try and remove his curse. He wondered what they would all think when they found out the awful truth...


	19. Gee Wizard

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska; Hello. As you know I haven't updated recently. This is because of that plague to fanfiction authors, the dreaded writer's block. I already rewrote this chapter twice before I found it workable and I'm still not sure. Anyway I do have better ideas for where the story is going now. And I drew some more art, links on my profile.

Ansela- Changed your name again Moony? Anyway thanks for reviewing and check out your picture on

ozzyiwannabeagoat- Love your name!

Sarah-K-O-M- Don't bother trying to get Freddy- I have him on speed dial!

Zanithir- You'll be in the next chapter- PS could you tell me what you look like on Runescape?

Chapter 20: Gee Wizard

The sun rose over the shivering tired campers. Ansela however was quite warm because of the several wolf furs she had acquired from a fur stall in her home of Ardounge a few months ago. She rose yawning and stared at all the others still asleep. Timmus was snoring like a pneumatic drill, and Alex was a close contender. Trip was curled up in a ball and Rozy was swathed in fluffy pink blankets so all you could see was one of her plaits poking out. Cerrin was up and starting to make porridge, the scent was drifting over. Timmus jumped up, his nose twitching.

"FOOD!" The noise woke everyone up, and they all groaned and pulled the blankets off them and stretched. Alex's hair was in a giant bundle which gave the impression of having a small shrub on his head. Trip's messy blue hair was all on his face as usual, but as usual Rozy's hair was flowing and immaculate. Timmus' mullet was everywhere, and Ansela's hair looked normal, ie messy as hell.

"Everyone get your bowls and stuff." Cerrin said. Cooking was not really her forté, but she could make porridge well enough. Everyone grabbed their bowls and queued up. "What do you want in your porridge?"

"Meat."

"Timmus, we've had this conversation before. You DON'T put meat in porridge."

"But..."

"Be quiet!" Cerrin poured some porridge into Trip's bowl, and he added about ten handfuls of raisins in. "And stop eating my raisins!" Trip dropped the raisins in shock and stumbled over Ansela.

"Get off!"

Everyone sat eating their porridge, with everyone chatting about everything they could think of. Alex sat next to Rozy and started to talk to her.

"Hey, you have some porridge on your cheek. Shall I get it off for you?" He said to the unsuspecting Rozy.

"Sure!" He leant over to kiss her when a bowl smacked him on the head and he fell over, his hair wiping the porridge off Rozy.

"Thanks Alex!"

After breakfast, they all went to look for Fumdedumble... Wotsisname. They started with the beach, and Alex could be heard muttering 'babes!' Cerrin ignored him and counted to ten. They scanned the beach for any sign of a mad wizard. Rozy was the first to notice a strange wizard, as she pointed and yelled:

"There's an old guy with a pointy hat over there!" She squeaked. The six of them ran over the old guy and stared. He was evidently a wizard, with his hat and beard and staff, yet he was garbed in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, with flowered sandals. He was lounging on a deckchair reading Wizards Weekly.

"Yo. Whaddya kids want?" He said, lowering his sunglasses. Trip tried to step forward and fell over in the sand. Wotsisname stared. "Ey up! I remember you! You're the stupid brat who broke my gnomes!" Trip looked up, face covered in sand. "I see you still fall over! Haaa my curses still got it after ten years!" He jumped up and laughed. "Take that, Chaos Mages!" Cerrin interrupted his little dance by jabbing him with her staff.

"Listen dude, you put a curse on my friend here and you'd better remove it or else." Ansela ran a finger along her Adamantite Dagger.

"Calm down girlies. Why don't you come with me to the hot tub and we can discuss this alone, hmm?" Cerrin gave no answer except to whack him in the groin with her staff and glare.

"Ow that hurt."

"Gees, he's like an old version of Alex." Ansela muttered.

"I am nothing like that dirty old man!" Alex yelled

"You will be in sixty years." Wotsisname got up, groaning.

"Fine, I can take a hint... ooch." He held himself up with his staff. "Anyway, it'll be impossible to remove the curse now." Cerrin readied her staff to hit him.

"Look, all curses have counter curses. What's so special about your curses!"

"As I was putting the curse on that little blue haired brat, one of his friends tossed one of my beloved gnomes at me, causing me to break concentration and alter the curse. So the curse is incomplete and unless and I can remember exactly what happened to the second writing a counter is impossible. Can't be done."

"I knew it." Trip groaned. "If she hadn't tossed that gnome I might be free."

"Who tossed the gnome?" Alex asked.

"Some nasty looking red headed girl. Right bitch." Wotsisname tutted. "Might have had some real talent too." Everyone turned to look at Cerrin.

"Hey, I was trying to save him!" Cerrin yelled. "I was ten!" Trip stared at the ground.

"I sorta knew the curse would be unbreakable so I didn't know if we should even come here but I always knew Cerrin was trying to help. She's been researching curses for the past eight years." Timmus stared.

"So you studied cursin' so you could help Trip?"

"That, and I wanted the knowledge to turn people into kumquats." Alex gave a grin.

"So it was your fault! Ha! You're not perfect! You messed up, big time! Ha ha!" Cerrin snarled, then swung her staff round, and the laughing prat flew off down the beach, knocking down some poor kid's sandcastle.

"Say that again and I'll turn you into a kumquat and eat you!" Wotsisname snickered.

"Well, if she hadn't interrupted the curse I would have made it so he'd mortally injure himself, so technically she helped. But seriously, don't sweat on the curse. It'll let up as the years go by till you won't even notice. All curses weaken over time. Except that one from that stupid sister of mine, Whatsernameagen. Damn that bitch! Turning my privates into turnips...makes going to the toilet a nightma-"

"UGH!" Everyone blenched.

"There is such a thing as too much information, you know!" Ansela yelled.

They left the beach, everyone even more puzzled about their situation than they were previously.

"What shall we do now?"

"We could sunbathe?" Rozy said.

"For once Roz, I like your idea." Ansela said.

"MEAT!" yelled Timmus. Ansela thumped him.

"Ooh, hello ladies, here I come!" Alex gleefully laughed as he came over, covered in sand and a broken bucket on his head.

"Yeah- oof!" Trip fell over. "Shit..."

"WOOT!" Rozy squealed and all except Cerrin ran off. Cerrin sighed and leant on her staff.

"Am I the only sane one around here?"


	20. Oh I Don't Want To Be Beside the Seaside

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

Trip: sigh... I'm depressed.

LunaAska: Here have an icecream!

Trip: Thanks! Drops it on foot Great...

Chapter 21: Oh I Don't Want To Be Beside the Seaside

After the confusing thing with Trip's curse and Wotsisname no one seemed to know what to do. So they decided, in order to cheer Trip up, to get changed into their swimsuits and have some fun on the beach.

Garbed in a costume of frilly pink ruffles Rozy carefully ran her spade up the walls of her sandcastle, smoothing out the cracks.

"I'm a princess!" She giggled.

"Hey can I be your prince?" Alex came over and gave her a wide smile.

"You can be my servant! Get me ice cream now or I'll fetch Cerrin:D" She giggled. Trying to avoid getting beaten up by Cerrin, Alex wandered off slowly. Ansela yawned as she relaxed on her sun lounger and lay stretched out, trying to get tanned. Timmus was wearing shorts and was chasing after Trip playing rugby. Trip fell over just before Timmus leapt at him and the idiot went sailing over trip and knocked over Alex.

"Dude, get your knee out my back." Alex got up and sighed. He noticed Cerrin coming down to the beach wearing a red swimsuit with a purple sarong. "Ooh." He went over to try his luck, even though the past one thousand and one times she had told him to bugger off.

"Hey, Cerrin you look totally sexy!"

Two seconds later Alex was flying through the air screaming, and landed in the sand next to Ansela.

"What's her problem? She's a fricking madwoman!"

"Cheer up Alex. Cerrin is a very sweet and kind girl. She's just a crazed violent maniac with homicidal tendencies." The thief giggled.

"Yeah, that makes lots of sense Ansela." Trip muttered as Alex sat in the sand and whined.

Tired of on the beach, Cerrin got changed into her normal clothes wandered off to find a shady spot. Hot and sunny was not for her, she loved rainy days more than anything as she could stay indoors and read. While she searched for a place to sit, she came across two guys duffing up an old man.

"Tell us where the treasure is, gramps!" The first guy, big and bulky, wearing a full helm to hide his face and red dragonskin armour, held the old man up by his collar.

"Or we'll get nasty!" The other guy yelled, brandishing a Dragon Dagger. He was garbed in far more elegant clothes than his friend, wearing black shade robes and a Guthix cape. He had black hair, short and messy and had a blue feathered headband. He wore an Amulet of Glory but Cerrin felt he was just wearing it for show. He wasn't that bad looking either, Cerrin noted. She walked over slowly, and the two guys turned to see who was coming over. They nudged each other and pointed at Cerrin, sniggering.

"Woo! Hey there girly, fancy a ride with some buff treasure hunters?" the first guy said, grinning to show he had several of his yellow teeth knocked out. Ugh.

"No thanks, I try not to date idiots." The second guy came over, his dagger glinting. As he got closer she could see that the dagger was poisoned, and a few green drops fell to the ground. She readied herself to fight. An Entangle spell would probably be her best option.

"Listen, chickadee, I really don't wanna have to hurt you. We just need some stuff off gramps here, so why don't you run off, hmm?" Cerrin glared at him.

"I don't think so. Entangle!" Ropes of magic swirled out of her staff and left the guy on the floor, struggling with his bonds. The other guy produced a large Dragon Mace and ran over with a blood curdling yell.

"Wind Blast!" The idiot went flying several feet and landed in the ocean. "That was fun. Heh." She was about to leave when she heard a footstep. She turned around and had to leap back to avoid getting slashed by the second guy. She tried to ready a spell but with a quick snatch he slashed her belt and grabbed her bag of Runes.

"Watcha gonna do now, witch?"

"Kick your ass, I think." He snorted. He drew a Sword from his belt and held both his weapons above his head, then charged. Each attack was fast and furious but she managed to block them all with her staff. One swift swirl and she knocked the guy flat on his ass. Quickly she snatched back her Runes and readied a Fire Bolt spell.

"Alright, who are you and what are your reasons for harassing that poor old man?"

"I'm not old!" The old man yelled. The guy sniggered.

"Wow, you're a strong one, aren't you?" He got up, and Cerrin raised the tip of her staff to head height. "My name is Ruarai, and am a treasure hunter, searching for treasure in the Karamja Jungle. I was merely discussing it's location with pops over there before you came and made a big deal out of it." Cerrin snarled.

"I suggest you leave before I do the same to you as I did to your friend." Ruarai took a few steps backwards, then went off at a jogging pace. No matter how brave and strong you are, you'll know that if Cerrin tells you she'll blast you off a cliff, she'll blast you over a cliff.

She looked at the old guy trotting towards her.

"Oh, thank you young miss, thank you!"

"No prob, they had it coming. What were they bothering you for anyway?" The old man looked around quickly, then motioned for Cerrin to come closer.

"You seem trustworthy, so I'll tell you." He whispered. "I hold the location of a mysterious treasure in the Karamja Jungle. Legend says whoever finds it will have more power than anyone else in all the world!"

"Seems like a powerful magic artefact... hmm, I'd love to see it and study it." The old man handed her a manky old piece of paper.

"This is a map to it..." Cerrin stared. "Come on, look at me, I'm not a spring chicken, am I? I need someone to pass it on to before I pop my clogs and my sons all buggered off years ago."

"If you say so." Cerrin said, staring at the map.


	21. Welcome to the Jungle

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: Hello reviewers!

Cerrin: Yeah, yeah, hello.

Alex: Cheer up, sexy! Life's not always a drag...

Cerrin: F-k off and die!

Timmus: Does she have PMS?

Alex: No, she's always like that. Gets knocked out

LunaAska: Ok...

Zanithir- No problem, you are a great addition to the story! Hope you're happy with being a sauve treasure hunter.

Raio- Thanks, look forward to reading your really long story.

Sarah-K-O-M- Give my regards to Jason and Micheal, and ask Jason if we're still on for pizza at the weekend.

Chapter 22: Welcome to the Jungle

"Cool!" Everyone leant over the table as Cerrin spread out the mucky old map for all to see.

"I bet it's pretty and sparkly :D" Rozy squealed.

"I bet there's lots of precious gems and gold and silver and ivory and silk..." Ansela practically fainted.

"I bet there's meat." Timmus drooled. Everyone ignored him.

"It's gotta be hard to find though." said Trip.

"Treasure, huh?" Alex pondered. "I bet being rich would make me even more attractive to the ladies..."

"Alex, nothing short of a miracle would make you attractive." Cerrin said, rolling up the map. "The old dude who gave me this said it apparently will make whoever finds it the most powerful person in all the land. Probably utter tosh, but I'd like to find it. Purely for, uh, research purposes."

"Sure..." Alex sniggered. Cerrin smacked him on the head with the rolled up map.

"OK, people, get a good night's rest, because tomorrow we go treasure hunting!" Cerrin marched off humming to herself.

"Napoleonic powermonger..." Alex muttered.

The six of them laid down their makeshift beds and settled down for the night, unaware two people were hiding from a distance, watching them.

"I don't get it, Ruarai." The large guy in red Dragon Armour muttered. "Why don't we just beat them up and steal the map?" Ruarai sighed.

"Drak, you have yet to learn the arts of subtlety and patience. You are a warrior, and that mage would kill you in a second. Plus we are outnumbered. No, we had best wait and follow."

"So... what we gonna do?" Drak the dimwit asked.

"We let them lead us to the treasure, then spring a trap, and grab it for ourselves! Hahahaha!"

"Gee Ruarai, you sure are smart."

"That's why I'm the leader." He grinned. Then he turned away, his face twisted. "Heh. You'll pay, witch, for humiliating me. Oh, you will pay, big time. Heh he heh..."

"Ruarai, why are you talking to yourself?"

"SHUT UP!"

The sun rose over the six, and a cockerel crowed it's usual call to awaken the people fast asleep in their beds to the waking morning.

"Cock a doodle doooo! Cock a doodle doooo! Cock a doodle doooo! Cock a do- squaaak!" It screeched as a shoe slammed into it at the velocity of a freight train.

"F-king cock!" Ansela groaned. "I was sleeping!"

"Well, you have to get up anyway." Cerrin was already up, cooking breakfast. "Bacon and eggs today!" A burnt smell wafted over. "SHIT!" She tossed the bacon into a hedge.

"Arg!"

"Ssh!" Cerrin looked over, but there was no movement or sound, so ignored it. She then set about making porridge again, the only thing she could cook. Everyone else groaned.

"Porridge again?" Alex moaned. "I'm sick of it." Cerrin grabbed the frying pan and marched over menacingly.

"WELL WHY DON'T YOU COOK!" Alex backed off. "Porridge it is then, and you can all like it or go find your own breakfast!" No one else made a sound as she cooked the porridge, save for Timmus' muttered 'someone got up on the wrong side of the bed'.

After breakfast it was time to head into the jungle. Cerrin's pouch bulged with Runes as she had to take as many as possible. Everyone else was gathering weapons. Cerrin rummaged through her bag and pulled out several vials of potion.

"Now, there are several poisonous creatures in this jungle."

"There are?" Alex whimpered. Cerrin ignored him.

"This is a very potent poison antidote. If you get bitten by something take one gulp- ONE- of this and you will be fine." Everyone took them gladly. As everyone was preparing Ansela was fletching some arrows for an eagerly waiting Rozy.

"Fifty steel arrows... how much do you owe me now?"

"Uh... three hundred coins?"

"Yep." It was actually one seventy but Ansela never let money go. Rozy picked up the arrows and put them in her quiver, then dug in the pockets of her pinafore looking for money.

The Karamja Jungle. Mostly unexplored by man due to the large numbers of vicious poisonous man eating creatures that lurk within, but also thought to be home to several hoardes of ancient treasure. Explorers have ventured in, but few ever came out, and fewer still found something. Today are brave (albeit stupid) heroes venture in to see if they can find the lost treasure said to grant ultimate power. Despite being a firm believer in Guthix, Cerrin couldn't help be drawn in by the thought of power. She suspected Ansela's influence, as the Zamorakian thief would always continually search for something greater than what she already had, and drag others along with her.

Cerrin surveyed the map with her sharp eyes.

"We go north till we reach a waterfall, then head east till there's a rock shaped like a head, then north again till we see a ruined temple then east and we'll find a path to a volcano... Sounds like a real slog..."

"No pain no gain!" Alex laughed.

"That particular adage annoys me on the best days, Alex, so shut it." Ansela peered at the map.

"It's a long way... we better get moving.

Ruarai and Drak sat high in the branches of a tree, watching as the six went deep into the dense jungle thickets and disappeared from view.

"Hur hur... they do all the work clearing the way and we just follow!" Drak snorted. "This is gonna be easy!"

"Not quite... This jungle is still full of poisonous creatures, and we have no anti poison. We must be very careful at all times..." There was a loud crack. "What was thaaaaaaaa-!" The branch they were sitting on fell down and they went tumbling into a thorny plant. There was absolute silence until one of them let out a meek and plaintive: 'Ow'.

As they went deeper into the jungle all the green plants and trees grew closer together until all one could see was green, stuck in the middle of a sea of green. Animal sounds came from all directions and seemed to echo. Alex sowre he flet something brush his shoulder. Ansela told him it was a poisonous spider and he ran off screaming like a little girl. The tree roots grew strangely in and out of the ground and poor Trip was constantly falling over. Ansela led the way through the thick bush of grass, chopping the way with her dagger and hacking branches that were in the way.

"When will we get to the waterfall?" Alex asked.

"Well, we'll probably hear it... they do make a lot of noise you know." Cerrin said snidely.

A faint roar could be heard as they neared the waterfall. Cerrin lay her pack down and sat on a rock.

"Take five people, then we're moving on!" A unified groan resounded as the other five collapsed from exhaustion.

"Water..." They all rushed to the waterfall for a drink, and to fill up their bottles. It would be a long slog to the volcano and they needed all their strength. Checking the map carefully Cerrin plotted out the best route to the next landmark, the head shaped rock.

Ruarai and Drak waited patiently for them to leave before rushing to the waterfall to drink.

"I'm beat..." moaned Drak. "It's really really hot..." Ruarai sighed.

"I told you not to wear full dragon, but would you listen? Nooo..." He filled up his waterskin. "Hurry. We must follow."

"But my feet hurt..."

"I'm not massaging them again!"

"Wah..."

The jungle seemed to get denser with every step and the number of vicious bloodthirsy creatures increased. Ansela killed the majority, with Cerrin zapping loads with her staff, Rozy twanging arrows at spiders, Timmusfighting things with his axe (I say fighting; he swung it round until it hit something.) Trip had no weapon to speak of and stayed away while Alex merely cowered in fear behind Rozy. Wimp.

"Is that the rock that looks like a head?" Timmus asked when they reached the rock that looked like a head. Cerrin rolled her eyes and groaned.

"Looks like..." Ansela squinted. "Sedridor." Trip squinted and cocked his head to the side.

"I think it looks like my Uncle Ern... if you squint a bit."

"It reminds me more of the goblin chiefs." Said Timmus.

"Be quiet! We must go north to a ruined temple."

"Is that where the treasure is:D" Rozy asked.

"No, the treasure is in a volcano."

"Not to sound chicken or anything, but aren't volcanoes, y'know, full of molten LAVA!" Alex yelled.

"Yep."

"And we're going in!"

"Yep."

"To near certain death!"

"Yep."

"Great...

Ruarai and Drak carefully trod the beaten path Cerrin and friends had trod just minutes before, Drak hacking down everything despite the way having been cleared.

"Must you?" Ruarai was greeted by several leaves flying into his face. "I see..."

"So, what is it about this Cerrin girl that you wanna get so bad?"

"Revnge. For besting me in combat."

"Ha ha, you got beaten up by a girl!"

"So did you."

"She used magic, and that don't count, har har!"

"It isn't just that, anyway!" Ruarai tried to shut Drak up. "She has valuable assets."

"I like her assets too!" Drak grinned. "And the other two ain't bad either."

"Not that, you fool! Her runes! Her magical items!" He sighed at his friend's ineptness. "You can't get the help these days...

Next Chapter- Cerrin and the gang head into the volcano, and find the treasure... only to find out something found it first!


	22. Tangled Web

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

LunaAska: Welcome back to the latest insane instalment of the misadventures. Soon we will be headed deep into the volcano, a mighty force of nature capable of spewing hot molten lava hotter than 3000 degrees Celsius...

Ansela: Is this a fanfiction or National Geographic?

LunaAska: Soz. I'm a bibliophile (I'm obsessed with reading.)

Alex: Weird Fact- Did you know elephants are the only animals that can't jump?

LunaAska: perplexed How is that relevant?

Alex: I read it in a book. Did you also know turtles can breathe through their ass?

Ansela: I didn't really want to.

Chapter 23: Tangled Web

Deep in the Karamja Jungle was the majestic Karamja Volcano, which soared above the trees like a rocky eagle over it's prey. It was not active and had not been so for a long long time, but like Cerrin's temper there was the possibility of it exploding any second. Passing the ancient ruins of… some old temple or another, the six of them continued on their path towards the treasure that was hidden deep within the rocky beast, unaware they were being followed by a sinister force.

"Ooh, pickled onions!" Drak stuffed a handful into his huge gob. Ruarai sighed at his companion. He had wanted a warrior, not an idiot… there was no going back now. Probably served him right for offering to pay a mercenary in beef steaks. Oh well, Drak was certainly a good warrior and interrogator, even if he was somewhat lacking in the brains department. He then glanced at Drak, who grinned with a mouthful of onion. Eyargh, he thought.

"Is this the volcano?" Timmus asked as they neared the volcano. Everyone sighed and ignored the idiot again. There were no visible steps up to the summit, presumably because no one wanted to come here, so it looked like a long climb. Cerrin jumped up to a ledge and started to climb. After a few metres she looked down to check how the others were doing, and they were standing there with blank expressions on their faces.

"YOU HAVE TO CLIMB TOO!" Everyone groaned and started climbing up the rocky mountainside. No one really wanted to climb, but Alex was the worst. He moaned constantly about his clothes getting dirty, his hair getting messy, his face getting scratched, to the point where Cerrin threatened to toss him into lava if he didn't shut his fat gob. He shut up.

It wasn't as long to the summit as Cerrin had thought, and she was pleasantly surprised to reach the op before sunset, and there may have been time to find a way down before nightfall.

They heard a funny sound and turned around.

"O-o-o-k… we're… gonna take… the … treasure…" Ruarai climbed up moaning. "Ohh…I ache…"

"You again!" Cerrin yelled. "I thought I got rid of you." Ruarai straightened himself up, chest still heaving and he panted.

"Ah, but you did not! And we have come to claim the treasure!" Timmus stared.

"We?"

"Yes, me and- DRAK!" He yelled down the cliff face.

"I'm scared! I need my mummy! I can't make it!" The big baby wailed from twenty feet down the cliff face. Cerrin tried to suppress a laugh as Ruarai tried to coax his stupid friend up the rock face. Ansela and Alex were practically doubled up and Timmus was on the floor. After five minutes Cerrin sighed and went over to the ledge.

"What?" Ruarai moaned grumpily. Cerrin smiled and climbed down to about three feet below Drak, and held her staff with one hand.

"WIND BLAST!" Drak went flying high in the air screaming his lungs out. He landed splat on top of Timmus.

"Did something land on me?"

"Did I land on something?"

"Now." Cerrin said as she climbed back up. "I've helped you, now you help me. I'm looking for that treasure, and I think we can agree on a deal."

After much debating (fighting) Ruarai and Cerrin agreed to split the treasure. Secretly they agreed to themselves to kill the other and nick it but they did not show this as they shook hands.

"Ok, I can see a bumpy cliff face we can climb down so we'll-…" She was cut off by a yell. All she saw was a blur of blue red and brown as Trip stumbled over a rock and fell into the crater, screaming.

"TRIP!" Everyone yelled. Cerrin lit a fireball and hovered it over the crater, everyone squinting down.

"Dude, are you alright down there?" Timmus yelled. A very faint voice came up.

"Yes… I somehow landed on something soft…"

After a rushed climb they found themselves staring at a dead baby dragon Trip had landed on.

"Dude, you beat a baby dragon! How'd you do it?" Timmus awed.

"Uh, I fell on it!" Trip shouted at the idiot.

"That's lucky." Alex said.

"Not really." Cerrin looked at the dead dragon.

"Uh?"

"If there's a baby, there's a mummy dragon somewhere…" a chill went down everyone's spine, except Rozy's.

"Oh! I hope we can make friends with the dragon:D"

"It's really really really dark down here…" Drak squeaked.

"No shit, Sherlock…" Ruarai muttered as he relit a Candle Lantern. "Stupid bugger…" Cerrin cast a Fire Wave spell and it hovered on the top of her staff, illuminating the area. She walked along with a smug grin on her face. "I hate smart bitches." Ruarai mumbled as he tossed his lantern away.

As they went deeper into the volcanic caves, it got darker and hotter. Cerrin was forced to create a freaking inferno on the end of her staff just to see. Didn't help the heat though, so eventually she kept the fire down to stop everyone overheating. Everyone was sweating except Rozy, who seemed to be cheery and looked perfect whatever element she was faced with.

"I'm hot…" Ansela groaned.

"No doubt about that, sexy…"

"First dragon we find, you're going straight in it's mouth, seaweed head… if I can find where you are." Cerrin now had to keep the light to a bare minimum to conserve Runes, and as a result everyone couldn't even see two feet in front of them, except for the eerie orange glow from some rocks. Trip was trying to be extra careful, but as usual, he slipped and fell, causing a chain reaction as he knocked Ansela onto Timmus, who fell over Cerrin…

Twas as Drak said, really really really dark, and they could not see where they were going, and it was pretty shit hard to find your way with a flickery fire spell, and it was not long before the prattish pair landed upon the silly six.

"OW!"

"What the f-k? Who landed on my stomach!" Cerrin screeched.

"Ruarai…" Ruarai groaned with Drak's bulk squashing him. "And I'm in pain…" Cerrin sat up straight, an impressive feat considering all the people squashed together.

"Great. Get off!"

So everyone was lying on the floor in a tangle.

"Ow, my stomach!"

"My arm!"

"You're squashing my leg!"

"Wow, Cerrin, you've been working out."

"Hey! Who has their hand on my butt!" Trip yelled,

"Oops!" Alex yelled. Trip kicked out.

"You kicked me!" Rozy wailed.

"Sorry."

"Drak, get your mace out my chest, you're seriously squashing me!" Ruarai yelled.

"Uh, that's not my mace."

"AAARGH!" There was much wriggling as everyone tried to get up, and fell back down again like they were playing a drunken game of Twister in the dark.

"Now what?" Timmus asked.

"What do you think, we've all been lying on the floor for the past few minutes trying to untangle ourselves. Ruarai, tell Jurassic Berk to get off so we can all get up!" Cerrin yelled. Ruarai finally managed to shove Drak off and everyone got up slowly, groaning. They carried on walking until it seemed to get… lighter? Lava seeped out from cracks and gave the place an eerie omniscience. Omniscience, love that word. They all stopped near an ornate doorway hewn out of rock, the inside glowing. A faint roar was heard from inside…

"Now… shall we get onto the subject of the treasure, hmm? I'll fight you for it, miss witch." Cerrin sighed in exasperation.

"Look, I can barely see two feet in front of my own face even with a fire spell so if you think I'm fighting down here you have another thing coming bud!" Cerrin yelled. Then she had a sudden brainwave. "Actually, I don't think I can fight you both down here. Go on, get the treasure." Drak grinned, and rushed past everyone screaming 'Treasure! Whee!' Ansela elbowed Cerrin.

"Are you nuts!"

"You'll see…" Ruarai stared.

"Wait… they wouldn't give up that easy… unless… DRAK!" He ran ahead, and dashed quickly to the side as a huge jet of flame roared from a distance, knocking Drak about one hundred feet down the path.

"Ow."

I'm sure you all want to see Cerrin and Ruarai fight the dragon, but fanfiction may have to take a back seat because of my schoolwork. But rest assured I have started chapter 24.


	23. Here Be Dragons

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'Sweetheart, you're too skinny to be a main anything.'

LunaAska: Our heroes face- gasp- a fire breathing dragon!

Rozy: Da dum, da dum, da da da da dumm!

LunaAska: What are you doing?

Rozy: Humming dramatic music! Dum dum dum da da dum da da dum!

Ruarai: Is she always this retarded?

Cerrin: Afraid so.

Zanithir- Thanks!

Raio- I would commiserate about going back to school, but I'm really enjoying it (But I'm not a geek! I'm doing art! I luv it.)

SS J4 Aragorn- Your character sounds cool and I'll try to fit him in the story. Maybe not very soon, but watch this space!

Chapter 24: Here Be Dragons

"Shiiiiittt..." Was Cerrin's response, which summed up their situation perfectly. They all stared up at the great green scaled behemoth towering over them. It's scales looked rock hard and it's claws and teeth were sharpened to minute points. At least twenty feet tall at Cerrin's estimate, it snorted a jet of flame lazily out of it's huge nostrils and growled at the eight of them cowering there.

"That is one big motherf-ker..." Ruarai looked at it.

"Yep..." Timmus gawked, mouth on the ground.

"I'm not an expert on dragons. But shouldn't we, y'know, GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" Ansela grabbed Cerrin's arm and started to drag her out as fast as she could, and everyone else followed at top speed. No one wanted to be fried and/or eaten, you see.

"But, the treasure!" Cerrin whined, glancing around fervently.

"Screw the treasure!" Ruarai yelled. "I'm not going to be that dragon's main course!" Ansela raised an eyebrow.

"Sweetheart, you're too skinny to be a main anything." Ruarai glared at her. Cerrin stared at the dragon.

"Green specimen, I estimate level 79... If I mage it and Rozy ranges it, we could get it weak enough for Ruarai and you to kill it Ansela."

"Can't I kill it, please?" Timmus begged.

"No. You can barely hold your axe the right way around!" Ansela barked at him. Cerrin got all her runes out and prepared herself. "I have enough Water and Blood runes for four Water Waves... I'll use Wind Waves for the rest, and Rozy you have plenty of arrows- ROZY!"

Rozy was not there. She was prancing back into the main chamber, singing. She skipped over up to the dragon, and smiled. The dragon, evidently taken aback by someone so stupid, was momentarily stunned.

"Hi nice dragon :D Wanna be my friend?" Rozy chirped. The dragon stared. Rozy grinned. Everyone else yelled and hollered at her to move.

"ROSALIND JANE WYVER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW!" Cerrin roared, even louder than the dragon. Miffed at it's roaring crown having been stolen, the dragon roared loudly (but not as loud as Cerrin) and drew it's head back ready to eat the stupid girl. Leaping into action to try and save the only girl who'd never slapped him, Alex drew his Mithril Sword and charged into the chamber, yelling himself hoarse and swinging the sword like a madman.

Evidently dragons had extremely adverse reactions to stupidity because it fell over and rolled around the floor, making sounds that could only be descried as roaring laughter. And indeed if you saw a skinny wimpy green haired dude covered in dirt and bits of leaves charging towards you with a mithril sword screeching 'I'll save you my love!' you'd be hysterical with laughter too. Alex ran over and started hitting the dragon with the sword. Of course Alex was a wimp and this did little more than tickle the dragon, who banged it's fists on the ground and howled with laughter.

In it's mirth though, the dragon was about to get a rude interruption when a Water Wave slammed down it's throat. Then two throwing knifes flew through the air and right into it's stomach, causing it to wail and screech. A Wind Wave knocked it off it's feet and a couple more throwing knifes met their mark by hitting it's eyes and blinding it.

Ruarai stared as the two girls practically took down the dragon with a few spells and some well placed knives. Cerrin turned to the awestruck dude.

"You're dagger's poisoned right? Not very potent maybe, but it could kill that, right?" Ruarai blinked.

"Um, probably?"

"You got the poison on you?" Ansela asked. Ruarai dug in his pack and handed it to Ansela, who daubed it on her dagger profusely as Cerrin blasted the dragon with her spells. They were working quite effectively even without Alex whacking the dragon with his sword like a maniac. Cerrin 'accidentally' nearly hit him with a Water Wave.

Armed with their poisoned daggers, Ansela and Ruarai charged at the dragon and delivered the finishing blows. It shrieked, then shrivelled up and vanished into a heap of skin and bones.

"Green Dragonskin?" Timmus said.

"Well it wouldn't be red, would it?" Cerrin said.

"Hey, I've got red dragonskin!" said Drak, who had been unconscious since getting blasted.

"I bet there's dragon meat!" Timmus yelled.

"MEAT!" Drak yelled and the two probably having found their soulmate, they then ran over to scavenge the corpse for meat. Ansela was expertly slicing the skin up with her nimble thieving fingers, cutting it into easy to carry sheets. Rozy grabbed the bones and buried them.

Congratulations! You have advanced one prayer level!

"Yay!" Ruarai went over to Cerrin.

"Sorry baby, but I think I'll be taking the treasure."

"One, don't call me baby, and two, I already have it."

"Eh?"

"The dragon's blood." She held up a vial of deep red blood. "I have several more in my pack. Don't look too surprised, Ruarai. Legends say dragon's blood can grant someone immense power, and I my yet be able to improve it." Cerrin smiled as she saw Ruarai's angered expression, he was practically foaming at the mouth with rage.

"THAT is treasure! What a load of bullshit! Argh! I'm outta here! Drak, move it!"

"But..."

"I SAID MOVE!" His voice echoed around the place, and there was silence as everyone stared at him. Then there was a loud rumble.

"Avalanche!" Timmus whimpered.

"There's no snow, thickhead!" Ansela smacked him.

"Um... we should get the hell out of here. Right now." Said Cerrin.

"Why?" Rozy chirped.

"Because I think the volcano will erupt." Everyone's eyes practically fell out, their stares were so wide.

"Why?" Rozy chirped.

"Because Ruarai's voice shattered the auditory balance!"

"Why?"

"IT JUST DID YOU F-KING STUPID COW! Now everyone stand in a circle around me or get fried!"

"Um, shouldn't we, y'know, run?" Alex said.

"I think teleporting is quicker and much safer. You too Ruarai, unless you want to be deep fried treasure hunter." Cerrin grabbed some Law runes and prepare her spell. A loud rumble was heard and some lava started to crack through in huge spurts.

"Shit!" Ruarai said, practically jumping on top of Cerrin

"Hurry!" Cerrin hissed at Ansela who was picking up as much dragonskin as possible. The thief ran over with armfuls and stood in the circle. Cerrin held her staff in the air.

"Teleport!" and just before the lava started to burst through, they all disappeared in a flash of light.

"We're safe! We're outta there! We're in... Varrock?" Ruarai looked around. The others were standing around hugging each other and squealing, even though passers-by were staring.

"Dude, we escaped! I'm so happy to be alive!" Drak yelled.

"Do. Not. Hug. Me."


	24. Cerrin's Dirty Little Secret

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde-

Alex: I'm tired.

Cerrin: Me too.

Everyone else: Uhhh...

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: Get up everyone we're off to Al Kharid!

Everyone: WTF!

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: Oh and from now on I will be called CerridwynBradhadairWyver. I get bored of my name a lot and like to change it :) It's Cerrin's full name.

Chapter 25- Cerrin's Dirty Little Secret

"Um... why are we in Varrock?" Alex dared to ask. Instead of kicking him into the tea stall, like she usually would when he asked dumb questions, Cerrin started to talk. At normal volume. Gah, something's wrong!

"I wasn't going to teleport back to that backwater hick-town of Lumbridge, was I? Besides, I need to see Aubury about some more runes. I'm short."

"Actually you're pretty tall for a girl." Drak said. Ansela looked at Drak.

"Did I have another brother mom didn't tell me about?" She muttered to herself.

Now Ruarai was pissed. While everyone else was enjoying themselves; Cerrin was chatting to Aubury, then zipping off in purple light, Ansela was pickpocketing guards, Rozy was skipping around, Alex was perving at girls, Timmus and Drak were chatting about hitting things with sticks, and Trip was falling over constantly, Ruarai was leaning against a wall in the shadows, brooding silently. He felt cheated. To think there was no real treasure there... or maybe there was something and she was hiding it!

"Cerrin Wyver, I will get that treasure, wherever you're hiding it!" He hissed.

"You're not talking to yourself again are you?" Cerrin tapped him on the shoulder.

"AAGH! What did you hear!"

"Incoherent mumbling, no doubt directed towards me. Listen, we'll all be heading off on our own and I trust neither you nor your idiot friend will be following us. Right?"

"Right." Ruarai humph-ed. Cerrin walked off, leaving Ruarai alone to brood. Silently. Or not. "I'll get you, bitch... I will, and then you'll be sorry, sorry..."

"Is he talking to himself?" Trip whispered in Cerrin's ear.

"Yeah... I think he's crazy." She gestured by twirling her finger by her head, and Trip giggled.

As the six of them wandered around Varrock, Timmus waved bye to his new best mate, and Drak sobbed as Ruarai dragged him off to pillage an ancient treasure hoard or something like that. Cerrin was lugging about ten cases of Rune Essence.

"Where are you going with all that?"

"I need Fire Runes. We're going to Al Kharid!"

"Isn't the Al Kharid gate closer to Lumbridge?" Alex asked. " I mean, it's pretty dumb to start in Varrock..."

"I needed Rune Essence! There's no bank in Lumbridge!" Cerrin yelled. "Stupid back water hick town..."

"Plus Alex..." Ansela grinned. "Going through the gate means paying 60 gold coins. However there is a sneaky shortcut... plus I don't want the guards to see me I kinda ripped them all off a few months ago."

"And what does this shortcut entail?"

"Um... well it's a nice easy walk, though you may need to watch out for scorpions twice as big as you, but otherwise, just a quick trek through the desert!" Cerrin grinned cheerfully. Alex's eye twitched.

"Scor...pions!"

The desert was, obviously, hot and sandy. And full of horrible scorpions that like to ATTACK you if you try to pick up some runes of the floor. Moody buggers. Anyway everyone having grown up in the relatively temperate land of Asgarnia, where it was always cloudy, the heat was getting to everyone, most of all Cerrin.

"ARRGH it's so hot!"

"Hey, you said we should come here." Alex said as he pulled his shirt over his head and wringed it out. "Gawd I'm sweaty. And manly." He turned to Cerrin and winked. "You likey?"

"I have one word. Ew." She kicked him in the gut.

"Tecnically 'ew' isn't a real word."

"Stop arsing around and get a move on you idiot!" Timmus grunted sweatily as he walked along, pretending to ignore the heat. Ansela had removed her jacket and tied it round her waist, and Trip was having to take of his Softleather Body to stay relatively cool. Rozy however skipped along merrily, looking perfect and singing.

Twas a long trek to Al Kharid and Rozy's rousing rendition of '99 Green Bottles' was wearing thin.

"I spy something beginning with... S" said Timmus. Ansela rolled her eyes.

"Sand?"

"Gee, you're good. That's the tenth time in a row you got that one." Ansela groaned and carried on walking.

"Why do we have to trek here just to get Fire runes? Couldn't you have bought them?" Ansela sighed.

"NO! WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING A RUNECRAFTING LEVEL OF 80 IF I DON'T RUNECRAFT SO GET MOVING ALL YOU LAZY IDIOTS! WE ARE GOING TO THE FIRE ALTAR NO IF'S OR BUTS!"

"Cerri-"

"WHAT!" Trip cowered.

"I was just gonna say... I could help you craft them but..."

"That's sweet Trip." She patted him on the head. "BUT NO ONE TOUCHES MY RUNES! Sweetie." She carried on walking. Trip hugged Ansela.

"I'm scared..."

"Me too..."

It wasn't that long before they reached the Fire Altar. Cerrin pulled her Fire Talisman out of her bag and they zipped to the magical ruins. Cerrin ran over to the Rune-Altar squealing and hugged it with glee.

"Runes runes runes I love you!" She squealed. "Ooh, there's rune magic everywhere! Ooh! God I love I love it! Squeeee! This stone is so infused with ancient fire magic from an ancient time probably created by the great god Guthix the almighty creator and sheep lover himself ooohh! OMG OMG OMFG yaaaaaaaaayyyy!111" She drooled as she hugged the stone. "Aah, I love runes..." Everyone stared like o.O

"She's freaking me out..." Ansela muttered.

"Is she always like that with Rune altars?" Alex asked as Cerrin skipped around the altar whooping. Trip slapped his forehead and wailed quietly.

"I tried so hard to hide it too..."


	25. Much Ado About Dueling

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'We have to fight for our right to, uh, fight!'

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: Hello and welcome. No doubt some of you were disturbed recently...

Timmus: Yep.

Ansela: Definitely.

Timmus: Has anyone noticed that cow meat is red but chicken meat is white? That's freaky! And when you cook beef it turns from red to brown! It's weird! IT'S WEIRD!

Ansela: Why do I have a brother? Why?

ozzyiwannabeagoat- Give me a description of your character and I'll fit you in somewhere. Or I'll just make it up :)

Chapter 26- Much Ado About Dueling

After witnessing Cerrin at the Rune altar everyone was keen to get moving quickly. Grinning madly as she exited with a bulging Rune Pouch, Cerrin walked along the sand, half skipping, and half jumping. Her demeanor was not unlike Rozy...

"Let's go to Al Kharid! Whee!" She dashed off. Everyone stared.

"Do we have any Ritalin?" Ansela asked, groaning.

Luckily Cerrin had calmed down considerably when they reached Al Kharid, and was normal enough to shout at Alex, who was staring at a scantily clad harem of women on the arms of a wealthy trader.

"I want a harem." He drooled. "A hundred beautiful women all miiiine..."

"Alex, I calculate the chance of that ever happening... about 0.000000001 in a million." Cerrin glared at him. "Can't you think of something better to aspire to?"

"Well my other fantasy was being dipped in cream and honey and getting attacked by horny lesbians. Or I could just pour cream and honey on me and let you and Ansela chase me. " This was not a good thing to say...

"I calculate Alex's chances of survival at... very low..." Trip said as Cerrin chased him with her staff, blasting him with fire spells. THWACK! SMACK! CRACK! WHACK! Timmus and Trip had had to restrain Ansela to stop her stabbing Alex to death but neither of them could do anything about Cerrin... Or were dumb enough to try.

"That's gotta hurt..." Timmus muttered as Cerrin dragged the burnt and unconscious pervert along by his hair as they all walked to Al Kharid.

"So... now we're here, anyone need leather armour or anything?" Cerrin asked everyone as they sat in the inn, drinking beer. (Are these bunch some underage drinkers or what?)

"I'd like some ice for my head." Alex groaned.

"Where would we get ice in the desert?" Cerrin rolled her eyes. "Alex you are dumb."

"Where's Ansela?" Rozy asked.

"She's right the... where is she?" At that moment Ansela came dashing in, grinning. Cerrin sighed.

"You haven't been robbing the gem stall again have you? You'll have the whole Al Kharid guard on us."

"Well, I have, but that's not what I want to show you." She pulled a leaflet out of her pocket.

"OMG!11" Timmus yelled. "You stole a leaflet!" Ansela smacked him round the head.

"NO, you dimholt! A guy on the way here gave it me before I stole his wallet. Anyway, look at it!" They all stared at the poster. In big block capitals a huge title was emblazoned:

AL KHARID DUELING ARENA- GRAND TOURNAMENT!

Beneath that a caption said:

Grand Prize- 1000000 Gold Pieces to the Triumphant Winner!

"That's..." said Trip. "That's a huge load of money!"

"Imagine what you could buy with that!" Timmus yelled. "A cartload of beef burgers!"

"All the potion ingredients in the world!" Cerrin whooped

"Fluffy bunnies!" Rozy squealed.

"Cushions!" said Trip, as he fell over.

"Loads of hookers!" THUD. Alex lay out cold. Ansela kicked him for good measure and turned back to the poster.

"I am definitely entering! I never turn down a chance to make money!"

"I'm surprised." Cerrin raised an eyebrow. "I thought you only earned money from unscrupulous means."

"I think I'll turn over a new leaf..." The thief grinned. "At least until this tournament is over."

The Al Kharid Dueling Arena. Everyday warriors flock there to test their mettle against the toughest opponents imaginable. Some are triumphant champions, revered and hated by many. Some lose and drag their heels in defeat, limping home. Some have to be scraped off the sand with a spatula and some just run away home to their mummies. However today is a little different. A bright spark came up with the idea to have a tournament- attract the crowds, get publicity etc. The whole thing was being sponsored by Falador Fritters...

All: NOW in Mithril flavour!

Cerrin: How the f-k do you get Mithril flavour!

Timmus: This fritter is crunchy...

Ansela: That's a Rune...

Timmmus: Oh eats

All: Eurgh!

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: SHUT UP! I'm telling the bloody story!

All: (Silence)

...Who were one of the most respected fast food names in Runescape...

Timmus: Burger Castle is better.

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU MORON!

...though why they had chosen to sponsor it was a mystery. Anyway, flyers had been distributed throughout the land to attract warriors of all calibres. It made it more interesting. One of the more, shall we say, unorthodox, warriors was heading right towards the arena. Unfortunately Ansela was going to get an awful surprise...

"WHAT THE !$?" She screeched at the register guy. "You have to pay 5000 gold coins just to enter?" The weaselly looking man shifted his stupidly tiny pince-nez glasses and sniffed.

"Yes, -sniff- that is the registration fee -sniff- miss." He sniffed, looking at Ansela's plain attire, messy hair and general scruffiness.

"That's daylight robbery!"

"You can talk..." Cerrin muttered. Ansela however was not one to pay for things. She smashed the glass partition and grabbed the guy by his collar, growling.

"You let me in this tournament! I am not paying 5000 gold to enter!"

"Ansela, settle down!" Trip grabbed her arms but she shook him off.

"No way! We have to fight for our right to, uh, fight!" She pulled out her dagger. "What do you say, snivelly?"

"Er... -sniff- hang on a minute..." The snivelling shaking register guy pulled out a wooden megaphone. "SECURITY!"

After being escorted away from the arena, Ansela sat next to the well sulking. Everyone else was chatting and trying to avoid her gaze.

"Alex, you can't date Rozy. She's fourteen! Plus you're a twat."

"What about you?"

"Rozy's the pretty one, I'm the brains, so I don't see why you have so much interest in me. Then again you'd probably date anything with a pulse and not too much fur."

"I think he'd waver the fur thing, if he was that desperate." Trip said. Cerrin sighed.

"Yep."

"What are you so stiffed about, Cerrin? Sexiness runs in your family."

SLAP!

"It's not fair!" Ansela yelled suddenly.

"Ansela, just pay the fee." Cerrin sighed. "Surely you could get 5000 coins, you are a master thief."

"I can't do that! It's against the Thief's Code to pay for stuff!" She rested her head on her hands. "I would be the laughing stock of all thieves everywhere."

"Well, I'll pay it." Cerrin said. "I'd like to enter as well." She stroked her Air Staff lovingly. "I do enjoy hitting people."

"I know..." Alex muttered, rubbing his sore cheek.

"But where will we get the money from?" Rozy asked. Everyone sat in silence for a minute thinking. A guy dressed all in black walked over to them.

"Psst! You are having money problems? I can help!"

"You can?" Ansela yelled. "That's great!" Cerrin just glared at the guy.

"Were you listening in on our conversation just now?" She folded her arms and glared. The guy looked around quickly, searching for an answer.

"Um... that is not important right now! I have something to tell you. The royal family here has a serious problem." He leant in further and lowered his voice. "My name is Usman, and I am a loyal servant of the Royal Family. His Royal highness Prince Ali has been..." he looked up with a strained look and paused...

A little birdy flies overhead.

The sun shines.

A pleasant summer breeze blows.

Rabbits skip through a green field.

A little girl rides her trike.

A postman gets chased by a rottweiler.

A pretty butterfly flutters by.

Someone eats pizza.

Dogs bark out cacophonies of canine drivel.

A tumbleweed blows by.

It snows in Hawaii.

Rabid schoolchildren attack the White House.

The people next door gets abducted by aliens.

A meteor crashes into NASA.

The sky turns pink.

George Bush chokes on a miniature raisin pretzel.

Pigs soar overhead and Paris Hilton wins a Nobel prize.

Barney the dinosaur gets killed by a ninja.

People rejoice.

Harry gets the Snitch.

Crazed Spaniards chase Leon Kennedy through the woods.

A giant crocodile eats half of the WI meeting.

Kenny gets killed.

Rabid Man Eating Squirrels ravage a cake stall.

Pikachu drowns in Diet Coke.

Ansela steals cheese.

Tony Blair and Gordon Brown announce their engagement.

Leaves fall to the floor.

Zamorak skips through a meadow picking flowers.

A perverted green haired idiot raids Victoria's Secret for panties.

Cerrin beats Alex to a bloody pulp.

Kenny gets killed again.

Meryl Peemstein wins an Olympic skating gold medal.

No one can find their keys.

Cerrin burns shrimp.

Marjorie Dawes eats dust.

Guthix reiterates.

An antique plate set crashes to the ground and David Dickinson commits hari kiri.

A pencil snaps.

Socks are evil.

Someone eats Hula Hoops.

The end is nigh.

Trip trips.

Wibble wobble woo.

Sephiroth gags on a tuna sandwich.

Ryoko chases Tenchi.

Ayeka chases Ryoko.

Rozy chases fluffy bunnies.

A choral group get lockjaw.

Homer eats a donut.

Yep.

Ryoga chases Ranma over Akane's bedroom.

A fish swims around.

Another leaf falls to the floor.

A dingo cackles to the night sky.

Sardomin stomps around.

Timmus eats meat.

A little birdy flies overhead.

"What?" Ansela asked.

"DAMMIT WOMAN YOU'VE RUINED THE DRAMATIC TENSION!" Usman screeched

All: o.O

"Ahem..." He cleared his throat. "He was kidnapped!"

"Oh no :O" Rozy gasped.

"Yes." Usman looked around. "I need you to save him."

"Look, I'm not really into the whole helping thing..." Ansela said.

"The King can make you rich..."

"We're off!" Ansela yelled, jumping up. Usman smiled.

"Good. Go to Draynor Village and talk to Leela. She will aid you."

"Is she a hottie?" Alex asked. Usman glared at him, and Cerrin smacked him round the head.

"Don't worry, we'll have Prince Ali back here before you can say lickety split!" And she pulled out her Runes and teleported them all to Lumbridge. Usman stood there.

"Lickety what?"


	26. Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'Me likey Spam...'

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: Welcome to a very short chapter, I was bored one day and put on Monty Python and... you get the rest.

Chapter 27- Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam

Twas dusk and the gang are camped out about ten miles south of Draynor Village. Everyone is doing their own thing, except Trip who is trying to put up tents. Unsuccessfully.

"Hey," Cerrin yelled as she was brushing her silky long red hair, stoking the campfire and sorting out her runes into alphabetical order. (Girls are good at multi tasking like that.) "Whose turn it is to cook?"

"Um..." Ansela thought as she rearranged her lock picking tools.

"Anyone but Cerrin. She's a crap cook." Timmus said, leaning on his pack.

Grab!

Whop!

Whoosh!

Thud!

The frying pan whizzed through the air and smacked Timmus on the head. He fell over in the dirt. Ansela sniggered loudly.

"Umm...I think it's Alex's turn," Rozy said, giving Timmus a sympathetic look. "Are you okay, Timmus? Do you need help?"

"I see birdies..."

Rozy smiled, and daintily plucked off the frying pan embedded in his skull and put it on her own head as a makeshift bonnet, with her :D face on.

"Yes! I love cooking!" Alex cheered and jumped up, glad he was good for something other than comic relief. He happily grabbed the food bag and rummages around. "So, what'll you guys have?"

Timmus sits up and rubs his sore head. "What do we have?"

Alex peeked into the food bag. "Looks like we've got...bacon and eggs, bacon, sausage, and eggs, bacon, sausage, and Spam, Spam, eggs, and sausage, and Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, and Spam."

"Me likey Spam..." Timmus drooled.

"Hmm," Cerrin pondered, rubbing her chin. "I can't say I'm too fond of Spam."

"Me neither." said Rozy. "I like fluffy bunnies :D"

"How about Spam, eggs, sausage, and Spam?" Ansela says. "That doesn't have much Spam in it."

"Why don't we have bacon, eggs, sausage, and Spam without the Spam:D" Rozy chirped.

"Ugh!" Alex crosses his arms. "Rozy! You can't have bacon, eggs, sausage, and Spam without the Spam! It doesn't work!"

"Why not:D"

"Cause then it wouldn't be bacon, eggs, sausage, and Spam!"

Rozy looked sad. "Aww...but I don't want any Spam:("

"Don't worry," Timmus speaks up from where he's sitting under a tree. "I'll have your Spam. I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, and Spam..."

Suddenly... (Cue music)

"What in the name of Guthix?" Cerrin gawped.

Timmus jumped up, pulled a silly pose and flung off his clothes to reveal a stupid looking Viking costume. With spiked helmet and all.

"Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam," he sings, dancing around like a crazy person on pot. "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam! Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! Lovely Spam Spam Spa—" Timmus falls to the ground as a bowl hits him on the head and knocks him out, and the music stops.

"Damn, that was annoying..." Cerrin muttered. And went back to brushing her hair.

"Can I get some help here?" Trip moaned forlornly under the folds of the collapsed tent.


	27. Life's a Drag

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'Turn off the caps lock!'

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: Welcome to the best parody of Runescape on Actually it's the only one on.

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: narked off There's another one too!

Ansela: sarcastically Ooh, that changes everything.

Timmus: Spam spam spam sp- gets hit round head with Air Staff

Your-Craziest-Friend- Short and abrupt. Thanks Kim, I will update.

Chapter 28: Life's a Drag

It was a beautiful morning, and nothing was out of the ordinary. The birds were singing, the sun was shining and Cerrin was shouting at Alex for chatting up Rozy. Completely normal.

After managing to hike the last ten miles to Draynor, the six of them started to look for Leela. Usman had given them some paper with instructions on, and boy was it long. After about an hour searching on the wrong side of the village they went to the other side and saw her. A dark haired young woman dressed all in brown leather clothes- definitely an Al Kharid thing. Her face lit up when she saw the six of them.

"You must be the people who were sent to save the prince! My father sent word that you were coming."

"Wow, that was fast." Timmus said. "It took us a day to get here." Leela ignored him and turned to Alex.

"You must be the leader of this group, good sir."

"Eh?"

"Good sir?" Ansela and Cerrin sniggered.

"You look like one of the White Knights of Falador! Your gold and silver armour is well suited to a hero, and your weapon and shield mean you must be an impressive warrior!" Alex smiled and raised his eyebrows.

"You like my weapon, eh beautiful? I could show you more..." Cerrin thwacked him to the ground and stomped on his back.

"Why must you chat up every girl you see?" She turned to Leela. "Actually, I'm the leader of the group. So, what's the deal? Who kidnapped Prince Ali?" She said, driving her heel into Alex's back. Leela sighed.

"An evil bitch called Lady Keli kidnapped his Royal Highness and is planning to ransom him for all the King's money, or she'll... sob..." Leela started to cry. "It's too awful..."

"It's alright Leela." Alex, getting up off the floor, put his arms round her to comfort her. "Nice ass..." Cerrin grabbed his ear and dragged him away. "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"So, let's go bust some heads!" Ansela said, cracking her knuckles. "I haven't beaten anyone up in a while." Leela shook her head.

"No. Lady Keli has many guards. You would be captured and/or killed before you even got out. No, you must be stealthy." Ansela sighed.

"But...I wanna bust some heads..."

So, they decided to completely ignore the list of stuff and the long convoluted plan Leela had given them and figure out their own plan. Needless to say everyone had their own ideas. Cerrin wanted to Fire Blast a hole in the wall and take the prince out. Ansela wanted to beat the guards up and pick the lock. Alex wanted to stay and talk to Leela, and Rozy wanted to use fluffy bunnies. Trip had nothing. Timmus thought they should distract Lady Keli with a barbecue.

"Timmus, how would a barbecue get Prince Ali out of captivity?" Ansela shouted, tapping his head to check if it was hollow.

"The gorgeous and sensuous smell of the slowly roasting meat..." Timmus drooled. "...would waft through the jail and bring everyone out to eat it's delicious loveliness. Then Ansela could sneak in, pick the lock and run out with the prince while everyone is queuing up for hot dogs and...drool... steak!"

"That is STUPID!" Ansela yelled. "Does everything revolve around meat in your world?" Timmus thought for a minute. (OMG! He thought!)

"Yeah...pretty much."

"..."

"I know! I know!" Timmus shouted." Let's use an army of specially bred squirrels to take over the jail and claim it for our own! Muahahaha!"

"Timmus. Shut. Up."

"You know, that's not a bad idea." Cerrin suddenly said.

"WTF!" Everyone looked at her. "You actually think we need to take over the jail with squirrels and cooked meats!" Ansela yelled.

"No! But if we were to cause some kind of commotion, to remove the threat of the guards, it would be fairly easy to overpower Lady Keli and rescue the prince!" Everyone had to nod in agreement.

"But how would we get Ali out without someone recognising him?" Trip said. "If even one person spotted him that'd blow it."

"What if they saw Lady Keli leaving?"

"Eh?"

"Guys, I have a plan. We need a blonde wig, a pink skirt, some rope, tomato sauce, a stick, someone to pick the jail lock- Ansela." The thief grinned. "And we need beer. Lots and lots of beer..."

Many hours later... the gang had gathered together again after gathering all the stuff Cerrin had listed. Timmus staggered over with a table stacked with beer, then went off to get more. Cerrin was adding the finishing touches to a painted sign. Ansela stuffed her best lock picking tool into the girl's best storage space, and eyed up the rope with an evil expression on her face, cackling. Trip had to practice falling over and wailing in pain- not hard really. It was getting him to fall over on cue that was bugging Cerrin as Trip only seemed to be clumsy at inopportune moments. Rozy was cuddling a baby bunny- wait...

"Rozy, where did you find that rabbit?"

"In a hole in the ground :D" she said, nearly squeezing the life out of the poor thing. "IT'S SOOO KAWAIIIII:D"

"Gah..." Cerrin took the scared little rabbit off Rozy and let it go. "I thought I asked you to get a wig and skirt, not terrorize the local wildlife!"

"I did :D I made Alex wear them :D" Cerrin looked at Alex, who was, as she had only just noticed, wearing the wig and skirt and looking rather pretty. Rozy had also found him a pretty pink lace blouse, hat and little daisy decorated Mary Jane shoes to go with it. Cerrin nearly fell over laughing.

"God, you look stupid!" She howled. Alex snarled, and tossed his wig.

"I think he looks pretty :D" said Rozy, grinning.

"XD" Was everyone else's response.

"Alex, you look like... a complete and utter tit." Cerrin stared at him. He smirked at her.

"Oh, you're just jealous because I make a prettier girl than you! Not hard. really, considering how masculine you are..." Cerrin smacked him on the head.

"Take those stupid clothes off now, smeghead!"

"I can't!"

"Why not!" Alex searched ferverently for an answer that would cause minimal embarrassment.

"Ahmweringalsunwer..." He mumbled.

"What?"

"I'm wearin'..." he mumbled. "Galsunwer..." Cerrin leaned in.

"Listen, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, get those dumb clothes off now and stop playing around! We have a job to do!"

"For god's sake! I'M WEARING GIRLS UNDERWEAR!" He looked around and realised everyone was staring.

"Oh. God." Trip stared at Alex.

"Pink girl's underwear!" Rozy yelled. "With lace and a pretty little bow on the knickers :D I picked it!"

"Oh. My. Goddess." Cerrin snorted, nearly collapsing with laughter. "Next you'll be mincing around with a parasol and calling yourself a laydee!"

"ROZY MADE ME!" He yelled. "Though the silk does feel very nice on my..."

"OH GOD MY EARS!" Trip covered his ears and ran off, bumping into Timmus and knocking over a table stacked with beer and bacon sandwiches.

"M1 M33T!11" Timmus yelled, and started to eat the bacon off the floor.

"GAAAAAAAAAH!" Alex yelled. "WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP AND STOP SCREAMING!"

"KAWAIIIIII!" Rozy squealed, thinking it was a screaming game.

"Turn off the caps lock!" Cerrin shouted.

"I'm going to need serious therapy..." Trip said from face down in the dirt. Ansela stood nearby, cackling with the rope. Rozy skipped past with a fluffy bunny. Cerrin looked at all her friends and sighed.

"I think I have just left reality and stepped into a world of utter stupidness."

After everyone had calmed down, and Alex (thankfully) had gotten changed back into his normal clothes Cerrin resumed the plan. Ansela jumped on the table and clapped her hands.

"It is time to begin...Operation: Desert-Squall!"

"What?" Everyone stared.

"I thought it sounded better than Operation: Distract Guards With Beer-And-Beat up Lady Keli-And-Sneak The Prince Out Dressed In Drag." Everyone shrugged and nodded in agreement.

Timmus stood outside the perimeter of the jail, and worked himself up to shout:

"FREE BEER! ONLY FOR JAIL GUARDS! FREE BE-!" Before he could finish every jail guard (and everyone else) had crowded around grabbing beer. Trip readied himself. He ran over to the only guards still there (whom Lady Keli had threatened with redundancy, torture and her tuna pudding.) He had covered himself in ketchup. He feigned limping and fell over outside the door.

"OH GOD! Help! I'm dying!" All the remaining guards came over to help him and got knocked out swiftly by a figure in the shadows. Cerrin stepped over the knocked out guards, checked to see if they were really out cold then gave Ansela the thumbs up motion. On top of her scruffy thief outfit she wore the blouse and skirt. The wig was hidden in her bag. She walked in carrying a tray full of beer, because, apparently the head guard loved beer but was not allowed to leave upon pain of death. So the plan was to get him as drunk as possible. Hopefully. He noticed Ansela coming in, hid his What Cart? magazine under the table and jumped up to attention.

"Who are you?" He lowered his voice. "No one's supposed to be in here..." Ansela put on a (very strained) sweet smile and held out the tray.

"I figured a hard working guy like you could use a beer to unwind." He looked at her.

"What's the catch?" He said, squinting at her suspiciously. Ansela gave her best innocent face, the one she used on the Knights of Ardounge when she got brought in for stealing wolf furs.

"No catch. I'm just a sweet little girl who thinks guards don't get recognised for all the hard work they do." Cerrin and Trip hiding behind the door practically had to stuff their fists in their mouths to stop bursting into fits of laughter. Ansela sure made a good con artist. The guard looked around to make sure Lady Keli wasn't looking. She wasn't. The beautiful petite blonde was sat in her room on a frilly pink ruffled bed with a teddy, reading a Mills and Boon and eating chocolates out of the skull of one of her victims.

His evil boss out of the way, he grabbed a beer and gulped it down.

"Mah wife don' undahschtand meh. Lady Keli don' undahschtand meh. Hell, ah don' undahschtand meh sumtimes..." He said, before slipping into a drunken stupor. It had taken about ten pints to get him to drop off, and she had had to listen to him moan about his wife for half an hour. Just as she had quickly changed back into her normal clothes Lady Keli was leaving her room to shout at the guards.

"Hey, get me some hot chocolate... who the hell are you!"

"Wouldn't you like to know... HIYAH!" Ansela did a jump kick and flew straight into Lady Keli, smacking her in the head and sending her flying into some boxes. Snarling, Keli dragged her self up.

"Oh, it's on, bitch!" She readied herself. "I have black belts in martial arts I can't even pronounce!" she said, readying herself in kung fu stance. "I own you! Bring it!" Ansela stood there perfectly calm and collected. She took a quick glance at her nails then straightened her hair. Lady Keli, aggravated, let out a harsh shrill scream lasting approximately 12.82 seconds and ran at Ansela, her long French manicured fingernails outstretched like claws. Ansela yawned, looked at her nails and waited...

"ENTANGLE!" Magic ropes shot out of nowhere and Lady Keli fell to the floor screaming, bound by Cerrin's powerful magic.

"Argh! I'll remember you two, Ansela and Cerrin! And... you other people!" Keli screamed as they chucked her, trussed up like turkey, into the closet.

"You think we should have knocked her out first?" Timmus said as Lady Keli kicked and slammed against the locked closet door. Cerrin grinned evilly.

"It's not as much fun to tie them up if they don't struggle..."

"I am very disturbed..." Alex muttered under his breath.


	28. Jailhouse Rock

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'You should be rated R. For Retard.'

CerridwynBradahadairWyver: Soon Prince Ali will be rescued by the six 'heroes'. Not sure which is worse; being stuck in prison or hanging out with that lot...

Alex: Check you out, sexy!

Cerrin: Hits him Pervert!

Timmus: I like meat...

Rozy: KAWAII!

Ansela: Shut up...

Trip: Falls over

Chapter 29: Jailhouse Rock

Prince Ali sighed as he leant against the bars of his cell. He had no idea how long it was since the guards last came up. There was no sense of time around here. He had barely enough food, water, his bed was a pile of hay, the toilet was a bucket or Serotonin's sake and he had heard Lady Keli discussing cutting of his finger for a ransom note. At least he still had his sanity... and even that was slipping.

There was a loud cacophony of shouting from the other end of the jail, and what sounded like a herd of elephants storming up to him.

"This way!" A shrill woman's voice shouted.

"It could be that way." A deep male voice growled.

"There's only one corridor Timmus, you knucklehead!" Another girl shouted. "Where's my lock picker..."

"Are you the prince?" A little blonde pigtailed girl asked, sticking her head through the bars and giving him an :D face.

"Um?..." he backed away from the grinning blonde nymphette. A red haired young woman dragged the giggly girl away.

"Stop bothering him. We're here to rescue him, not terrify him!"

"That's the prince?" A scruffy looking brunette said. "He hardly looks like one."

"You don't look like a rescue party!" Ali shouted

"But we are." The brunette grinned. Ali stuck his head out the bars.

"Forgive me for being rude, but WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE!" Being locked in a prison cell with hardly any food water or human contact had obviously gotten to him.

"I'm Cerrin." She said calmly. "That's Ansela..." She motioned towards the thief who was picking the lock. "That's Rozy, that's Timmus..."

"Meat..."

"Yeah, he's stupid. Timmus, go and keep an eye out for the guards." Timmus shrugged and wandered off. "That perv is Alex and this is Trip."

"The locks open!" Ansela said with a grin as the cell door swung open. "2.1 seconds... not bad, could do with some work though." Cerrin handed Ali the wig and skirt.

"Quick get out of here. The guards will be back from their beer fest soon..."

After a long squabble over the last pint (which got spilt anyway) the guards returned to the jail grumpy. Timmus, sat at the window, took a few seconds to twig and quickly jumped to his feet and ran down the corridor flapping his arms and shouting:

"Abandon jailhouse! This is not a drill! This is NOT a drill! Awooga. Awooga. Abandon jailhouse!"

"Timmus, what the hell are you doing, that'll just get their attention!" It was true, the loud screaming had alerted the guards, even the most drunk ones, who sensed something was amiss.

"Well, looks like I'm going to be stuck here even longer..." Ali sighed and pulled the wig off his head in dismay.

"At least we're all together?" Trip said plaintively as the guards shut the door on them. All of them were chained in a line. Poor Trip had the misfortune of being squashed between Alex and Timmus, and the combined smell of too much Lynx and B.O was really starting to make him feel sick. Ansela was sat next to Ali, who was just being sulky. Rozy was sitting there humming 'O when the saints go marching in' in her usual nonchalant way and Cerrin was just pissed off.

"You know, I always dreamed of being chained up in a cell with you, Ansela." Alex grinned. Ansela tossed her shoe at his head, for lack of a better projectile.

"Ow! Don't tell me you've never had any R rated fantasies about me..." Cerrin rolled her eyes.

"You should be rated R. For Retard." Ansela grinned.

"I have actually had fantasies about you Alex, and they involve a warhammer, a flamethorwer and a mincing machine." Alex gulped an turned away.

"At least they didn't split us up :D" Rozy grinned. "Cause I couldn't live without my friends:D"

"And I could live without my sis! Or my best mate!" Timmus pulled Trip into a bear hug.

"I love you too Timmus but I can't breathe..."

"Oh the saccharine... it hurts." Ansela groaned.

"Jean-Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends." Cerrin said, sighing for about the hundredth time in the story. "And he has a point." Ansela shrugged.

"Well yeah, maybe, but all his friends were French."

"Be quiet!" Prince Ali griped sulkily.

"You oughta be a bit nicer to us. We did come to rescue you!" Ansela yelled at him.

"Gee, aren't you doing a good job." He growled sarcastically.

"You know, maybe we should stop being sarcastic and try and think of an escape plan!" Cerrin yelled at them. Ali scoffed.

"Escape? From here? The walls are three feet thick, the bars are solid steel and there are hundreds of guards patrolling the area. Even if we could break the lock again... actually, they took all that thief's lock picking tools so that goes down the toilet..."

"Never give up!" Ansela shouted, jumping up, her chains jangling. "There isn't a jail in all of Runescape that can hold Ansela Jonla!"

"How do you plan to escape without your lock picking tools?" Cerrin sighed (again). Ansela grinned and put her hand down her top, and pulled a lock pick out of her bra.

"I always keep one hidden."

"That's hawt..." Alex drooled, and got Ansela's other shoe in his face. "Ow." Ansela deftly unlocked her own chains, then moved onto everyone else. Trip was glad to be released from Timmus' armpit stench as he ran over to the other side of the room gagging for air. Ansela grabbed her shoes, quickly picked the lock and they all ran out and grabbed their stuff that the guards had stupidly left there.

"Well, how do we get out of here now?" Ali asked. Ansela thought.

"We get Cerrin to blast down the dungeon door, knock out the guards, Timmus and Alex and Ali put on their uniforms, they steal some swords and we fight our way outta here!" She said, swinging her fists animatedly. "Then we lie low and sneak to Al Kharid in the dead of night in disguise!"

"Or, you know, I could teleport us to Lumbridge." Cerrin said, holding up her bag of runes. Ansela glared.

"You always spoil my fun."


	29. Moron Tourney

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'You can't confuse Alex with a book. A book's got a spine, for a start.'

CerridwynBradhairWyver: Hi. I would have updated sooner but the gang got waylaid in Lumbridge...

Cerrin: (sarcastically) Yeah, because there's so much to do in Lumbridge.

CerridwynBradhairWyver: ...And they did many exciting things...

Cerrin: (in fake chirpy voice) Yes, very interesting. This weekend Timmus pretended he passed the Cook's Quest, but failed and cooked some meat instead. That gives you an insight into how wonderfully exciting our lives currently are. And we visited CBW's granny, who taught me everything you need to know about wool. Do you know the difference between normal and Aran wool?

Ansela: Er, no.

Rozy: Bunnies? Kittens? Puppies?

Timmus: Uh?

Alex: What?

Trip: Not really.

Cerrin: tiredly Well I do now...

CerridwynBradhairWyver: ...And many other exciting th- aw, screw it, just get on with the story.

CerridwynBradhairWyver's Granny: Could one of you young uns help me wind my wool?

Cerrin: One more word about wool you dumb old bint and I'm gonna teleother you to Camelot...

CerridwynBradhairWyver's Granny: What?

Chapter 30: Moron Tourney

Dragging themselves back to Al Kharid the seven of them dashed into the palace. The King was sat depressed looking at the other end of the room, but as soon as he saw Ali, he got up whooping and ran to hug his son in a crushing bear grip.

"Hi Dad..." Ali said, muffled.

"Oh thank you! How can I ever thank you?" The King let go of his son, who gasped for air. Ansela grinned and held out her hand.

"Cash would be great, or maybe a cheque. Make it out to Ansela Jonla- that's spelled A-N-S-E-L-A space J-O-N-L-A." The king flashed a wide grin.

"How much? I am stinking rich." Cerrin stepped forward.

"Enough to cover tourney entries for me, Ansela and Alex."

"Hey!" Timmus yelled. "I wanna fight too!"

"Me too:D" Rozy squealed. Cerrin rolled her eyes.

"Rozy, you can barely hit the side of a barn."

"I can! I can to! I used to go to target practice and fire arrows at targets at the farm!"

"Did you ever hit the targets?"

"Er, no. But I hit the side of the barn a lot:D" She said with a sickly sweet grin. "And a lot of the chickens too..." She said, somewhat dismayed. The king smiled and clapped his hands.

"Such a cute little girl- I'll pay for all of you to enter! And for rescuing my son and risking your own lives, I will let one of you girls marry my son!" Ali looked nervously at the girls, first at grumpy Cerrin, then sneaky Ansela and Rozy off in La-la land, tried to make an excuse about his pet iguana and dashed off. "Hmm... I do not remember a pet iguana..." the King thought. "So which one of you will do it?"

"That's a really nice offer, your majesty, but I think we'll just take the money thanks!" Cerrin grinned nervously and grabbed the cash, and the six ran off as fast as possible.

Much running later...

"WHADDYA MEAN I STILL CAN'T ENTER! I HAVE THE MONEY!" Ansela screamed at the snivelly guy.

"Yes." He sniffed. "You are on the list of sniff people who are banned for sniff disorderly conduct. sniff" Ansela grabbed her dagger and jumped on the counter.

"I'LL SHOW YOU DISORDERLY CONDUCT SNIVELLY!" Timmus and Cerrin grabbed her round the waist and dragged her off, as she screeched and snarled.

As the six sat down on some rocks and Ansela had calmed down sufficiently, they started to think. Well, Ansela and Cerrin thought, and the rest of them just messed around as usual.

"I really really wanted that million smackers too." Ansela grumbled. Cerrin thought.

"Pity you can't wear a mask..." The two of them looked at each other.

"That's it!" Alex and Timmus looked over, sand spilling from Timmus' mouth. (Alex had dared Timmus to eat sand. Not sure which of them is stupidest at this moment.)

"Wha?" said Timmus. Ansela dashed off like a mad person on speed.

"Back in five minutes!"

And they sat and waited for five minutes.

And ten.

And fifteen.

About 48 minutes later Ansela ran back. Everyone just stared at her.

"What?" She was dressed in a tight Green Dragon skin leotard type thing over some black tights. She wore Green Dragon skin gloves and boots and on her head she had a camouflage coloured bandana (hiding her messy hair.) and she also an Amulet of Strength. Her Adamantite Dagger was stuck in her belt and she jangled with every step with the copious amount of throwing knifes she had managed to shove about her person.

"Whoa." Said Alex. "Damn you look hot!" Ansela glared at him.

"I would stick these throwing knives up your ass but I need them for the fight." Cerrin smirked at Ansela's new and rather odd choices of clothes.

"Took you a while to craft those."

"Hey, there was a queue at the tanners. Everyone's gearing up down there. Good thing I stole this Ammy of Strength off some sucker." She grinned, tilting the jewel so it caught the light. "Plus I got distracted by the Gem Stall... you know what I'm like."

"A stinking klepto?" Cerrin laughed.

"Yep."

The Duel Arena was indeed packed with competitors and spectators alike. The posters promised a bloody, gory and bone-crunching spectacle, and if Cerrin and Ansela were in it that was pretty much guaranteed.

"I didn't know Alex wanted to fight as well." Trip told Cerrin as he was dragging Alex's gold and silver armour. Cerrin rolled her eyes.

"He's only doing it to impress girls. He's a real coward."

"Alex isn't that cowardly. He fought that dragon."

"Yeah, to impress Rozy, who wouldn't know a guy fancied her if he walked up with a giant sign on his head saying 'Rozy! I fancy you!'. And you're also talking about a guy who in the first sign of danger runs away and cowers under the nearest large object, crying like a baby that's lost it's blanky."

"Cerrin, you can't judge a book by it's cover." Cerrin snorted.

"You can't confuse Alex with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine." She tossed as she grabbed all her runes and shoved as many as possible into her pouch. Finding not enough room, she shoved some in her pockets. She was wielding an Air Staff and a Fire staff, Trip noted.

"Um, Cerrin?"

"What?"

"Why have you tied two staffs together?" Cerrin grinned.

"Let's just say I've been experimenting with magic. Believe me, it has explosive results." And she walked off smiling. Trip sensibly decided to get a seat as far away from the arena as possible.

Trip, Timmus and Rozy sat around waiting in the main hall while everyone registered. Trip noticed there were posters everywhere, all saying the same thing.

Al Kharid Grand Tournament!

Come and test your metal in the ring!

Prize: 1,000,000 gp!

Organised by the RAWO

Sponsored by Falador Fritters

RAWO? Trip had no idea what RAWO meant. He tugged at Timmus' sleeve and the huge galoot turned around with half a roast ham hanging out his gob.

"What's the RAWO?" Timmus put on his constipated-thinking look and glanced at the poster.

"RAWO? That's the Runescape Allied Wrestling Organisation."

"Wrestling?"

"WRESTLING?" They heard Ansela come storming out. "Yeah! RAWO wrestling!"

"Thought you loved wrestling?" Timmus said rather dumbly.

"Yeah, I love watching it! Look at me! Do I have the physique of a wrestler?"

"I like your physique, babe." Alex was answered by a blistering rain of throwing knifes, and he ran yelping behind a nearby potted cactus.

"I'm stealthy, not brawny. The only way I'll be able to get on in this contest is if I find a tag team partner big and dumb enough to join me." She looked around the room, and then back at Timmus, who was trying to eat a whole rotisserie chicken in one mouthful. Despite his best efforts he could not fit it in, and decided to smack it against the wall, which cracked. He then started to tear the meat off noisily and messily with his teeth, Trip and Rozy trying their best to ignore him. Ansela gave a sly grin and walked towards him.

"Sih? Wha are oo ookin' ah meh 'ike ah foh?" She grabbed him by his ear and dragged him along. "Nah! Mah icken!"

"Come on Timmus! You are getting fitted for a leotard!"

"Timmus in a leotard? Guthix help us..." Cerrin groaned.

" welcome to the first annual Grand Fighting Tournament at the Al Kharid Duelling Arena! In this event, sponsored by RAWO, the Runescape Allied Wrestling Organisation, and Falador Fritters- mmm, gotta love those deep-fried pure calorie snacks!" The commentator boomed through a large megaphone. "The fighters will compete in tag team wrestling matches against each other. If both members of a team are knocked out, held down for ten, have limbs amputated or die, they are out of the competition for good! Especially if they're dead."

"This sounds scary..." Trip squeaked, watching from high in the stands.

"No worries." Alex said as he chomped on a lobster fritter. "Ansela's tough, smart, utterly gorgeous and oh so wily. And Timmus is, uh... big. They'll do fine."

"If you say so..."

Back in the crowded waiting room, Ansela was practically choking on the stench of male sweat, BO, gym socks and far too much Lynx. Normally being surrounded by several sweaty, muscled and well oiled blokes would be enjoyable, but no, not when the biggest, most muscled, oiled up (and smelliest by far) one was your brother, and had bought several beef fritters and was stuffing his face and getting crumbs on your lap.

After getting several greasy wrappers dumped on her, she decided to move and check out the competition. Most guys looked pretty ordinary, and she looked like being the only girl there. Good, she thought. It's much more fun to beat up guys.

She came across two guys, one in a red leotard and the other in some weird purple spangled thing. He was holding the punch bag while the red leotard guy hit it.

"Ozzy, you're supposed to throw it, not punch it! This is wrestling!"

"Then why are we using a punch bag, dipshit? Why don't I practice on you?" The other guy snorted.

"No way! This leotard cost a months wages and I don't want to ruin it by getting dirt on it!" In some way she was reminded of Alex.

"You spent a months wages to look like a shiny purple slug?" Ansela had to say. The guy looked pissed, and Ozzy grinned.

"Maybe that's should be your wrestling name, Sid!" He jumped up and did a wiggly motion with his arms. "The Sluginator!"

"Shut up!" Sid barked. "And what about you, little girl? This is no place for a silly dame. Go home to your kitchen and do some laundry or something."

"What did you say!" Ansela yelled. "I'm gonna make you eat those words, along with that hideous leotard!" She was about to pounce when the announcers' voices boomed:

"Would all wrestlers please come to the arena entrance!"

"And sign in your wrestling names and collect your numbered tickets from the desk!" Ansela glared at him.

"See you in the ring!" She yelled, and walked off, then turned around. "Sluginator!" And walked off laughing.

"Y'know, it suits you." Ozzy grinned and elbowed him in the ribs. "Sluggy..."

"Shut up!"


	30. RAWO Pain

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde

CerridwynBradhairWyver: RAAARR! Let's get ready to rumble!

Alex: She scares me.

Cerrin: She shouldn't scare you!

Alex: Thanks Cerrin...

Cerrin: Scaring you is my job!

Alex: ...

Kitsune Chic- Thanks for the reviews.

Chapter 31: RAWO Pain

"N-names p-p-please?" The freckled, greasy haired and acne ridden teenage work experience lad at the desk said nervously as he adjusted his collar and looked at Ansela's snarling face.

"Green Rogue." Ansela grinned.

"A-and he's your wrestling partner?" He gestured towards Timmus, who was picking his nose.

"Unfortunately yes. His name is Meatgrinder."

"G-g-green Rogue and M-meatgrinder. You're number 5, p-please take your ticket and go wait..." Ansela grabbed it and walked into the ring...

Then she walked back and dragged Timmus along.

Already there had been two bouts in the arena. The second match had been two straight knockouts, but the guy in the first match had had his vertebrae re-arranged into a concertina shape. The two of them watched as the medics carried the guy past on a stretcher, completely mangled, and his slightly luckier partner been helped off with two broken legs. Ansela, who was not a coward by any means, gulped at the sight of the guys as they were dragged past.

"Hey! Green Rug!" The Sluginator shouted from the ring.

"Green ROGUE."

"Whatever. Our first match was so easy! Me and Dark Dude are going up in this contest! See you when we walk off with da money, losers!"

"Yeah right, Sluggy. I'll just bring some salt with me." She grinned, and mimed pouring salt then making a funny slurp noise to demonstrate. Sluggy snorted and left the ring with Ozzy grinning.

"Better not have any salt on your chips, Sluggy."

"Whose side are you on?"

" our next tag team match is number 5, Green Rogue and her partner, Meatgrinder..." Ansela did a somersault onto the ring post and jumped into the ring landing in the splits. The audience whooped. "Wow, that looked difficult. They are facing two of the RAWO's biggest names, Indestructor and The Maimer!" Two muscle bound men hopped into the ring and began roaring and beating their chest like gorillas.

"They let the professionals against the amateurs? That doesn't seem fair." Trip said as they watched.

"The RAWO league want their wrestlers to get the money so they don't have to spend. It's a dirty strategy." She looked around and took a quick glance at the commentators box. A guy wearing all black robes entered, looking shiftily around before entering. Cerrin tightened her grip on her Air Staff and got up.

"Where are you going? Ansela's match is about to start." Trip said, getting up and spilling the popcorn he had had resting on his knee. "Crap, not again."

"There was a shifty looking guy in black robes going into the commentators' box. Do you know what that means?"

"Er... no."

"Neither do I, and that's why I'm gonna check it out." She said, hopping around the cheering throngs of people.

"Hey, wait-!" Trip fell over. "For me..." The two of them ran over to the box, and snook round to the back door and listened. Rozy and Alex followed like two dumb puppies. The four of them crouched out of sight and watched as two more people went in- a guy dressed in full Adamantite plate and a woman in far too much leather.

"So." A deep male voice sounded. "The Sluginator and Dark Dude are the new people's favourites?" They heard the voice of the snivelling guy.

"Yes, sniff but don't worry sir. Stone and Coffinmaker will sniff win, it's all fixed, sniff."

"Good work, Snortington. And get some sinus spray, you're getting on my nerves."

"Yes, sniff."

"Gem and Wolfblade, you are set to deal with any... troublemakers."

"Yes, sir."

"And what about the rest of this competition? Any others stand out?" There was the sound of rustling paper.

"This team, Green Rogue and Meatgrinder."

"What's so special about them?"

"Green Rogue is the only woman in the competition. None of my wrestlers will beat up a woman. Besides, in these first five minutes of her match she has dislocated two wrestlers' shoulders, broke several of their bones and left them with shiners the size of dinner plates. She's a lean, mean, green fighting machine and she plays dirty."

"Leave her to me." They heard the woman's voice. "I can take care of her."

"Fine, but try not to attract too much attention. Wolfblade, make sure someone takes out the Sluginator and Dark Dude before the semi-finals, and if all goes to plan, I, the Great Wizard Salazar Slimebucket the Fifth will finally get to control the RAWO! Yes!"

Cerrin had heard all she needed to hear. She got up and whispered.

"Alex, Rozy, go back to the stands and don't do anything dumb. Trip, you come with me, we have to warn Ansela."

"But only wrestlers are allowed near the ring." Cerrin thought for a moment.

"Yes... only wrestlers."

"Uhh, we st-stopped taking entries an hour ago..." The nervous lad whimpered as Cerrin held him up by his shirt collar.

"Well, you'll just have to break the rules a bit and let us in!" Cerrin snarled. She was dressed in a bright red spangled leotard and a red mask, and looked very pissed off at having to wear them. Her long orange hair was tied up in a long ponytail. Trip looked sheepish at having to wear a red leotard as well, but at least he got to wear shorts instead of tights.

"Uhh, o-ok, n-n-names please?"

"Firewitch and Tripper." She dragged poor Trip along the walkway to the gate and into the arena, where the commentators were announcing the quarter finalists.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnd the eight teams entering the quarter finals are... Team number 1, number 4, number 5, number 7, number 12, number 16, number 23, and number 32. All those that didn't make it to this stage in the competition I wish you all speedy recoveries from intensive care."

"I don't see her..." Trip muttered as they carefully weaved through the masses of , battered and bruised wrestlers leaving the arena.

"She's there, doing a victory dance on the ring post..."

"Who rules? Ansela does. Who rocks? Ansela does. Who kicks a- hey!" Cerrin tugged her off the podium. "What are you guys doing here? And why are you dressed like Cirque du Soleil rejects!"

"Ansela, the tourney is fixed. There's an assassin out to kill you and Tim-..."

"Cerrin!" Trip yelled. About twenty guards rushed in, lead by Wolfblade, the guy in the full Adamantite armour. He had put on his helm, and Cerrin could only see his angry eyes glaring at her.

"You are not registered wrestlers..." He looked at a piece of paper. "Furwatch and Blippen?"

"It's Firewitch and Tripper!" Cerrin shouted. Wolfblade checked his paper again.

"Really? Damn that work experience lad has bad handwriting." He pulled out an Adamantite Longsword and brandished it menacingly. "You'd better come with us!" Cerrin cocked her head to one side and put her hands on her hips playfully.

"Or what?"

"Look, I really don't want to have to beat up a girl and a little kid so just make this easy for me ok? I have a busy day planned." The guards surrounded them in a circle. Trip backed into Cerrin nervously.

"Um, why don't you, y'know, blast them or something?" Cerrin snarled.

"I left all my runes in the bank! I couldn't conceal any under this tight, sequinned thing! I didn't expect to be caught out!" She said, looking at her leotard. "Guthix Almighty, my life sucks." Wolfblade stepped forward.

"Too bad. You are under arrest for illegally entering this tournament. Please come with me, both of you. Oh, and I think that leotard really accentuates the blue in your eyes."

"Thanks, but I'm still gonna beat you up." Knowing she had little chance of out fighting twenty armoured guards and their captain, Cerrin still decided her best option was to kick some ass.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnd..." The commentator's voice boomed. "The next match is between group number 5 and number 12. Please enter the ring." Ansela grabbed her Addy Dagger out her belt and tossed it to Cerrin.

"Kick some ass!" And she ran off to her match. Cerrin smiled and turned to the guards.

"Who's first?"

Meanwhile Alex and Rozy, hardly having half a brain between them, had gone and got captured hadn't they? Trying to sneak in the commentators' box during a secret meeting was difficult enough for Cerrin and Trip but those two numbskulls? Forget it.

"I don't like this cell. It's dark and nasty." Rozy sulked. "There should be bunnies and flowers on the wall." Alex was leaning out the bars singing mournfully.

"Please release me, let me go..." his tuneless and melancholy voice wafted along the long stone corridor.

"Not likely." A snide voice sniggered. Gem, the female assassin they had seen earlier, walked along, jangling the keys from her fingers. She was dressed in a tight leather (and far too revealing) top with spiked shoulder pads, and on her arms she wore Spiked Gaunlets. She was also dressed in a short leather miniskirt and thigh length high heeled boots with spikes on them.

"Are you going to let us out:D" Rozy asked. Gem snorted.

"As if. It's my job to hunt down and kill all the non RAWO favourites for the prize. What makes you think I want to let you two dumbasses out?" Alex leant over.

"You know, you're pretty hot in all that spiked leather. Maybe we could hook up?" Gem laughed so hard she nearly dropped her keys.

"As if! What a loser! Ha ha ha ha..." A guard ran down the stairs, his Steel Helm bent and skew whiff.

"Gem! There's trouble and we need your help!"

"No problem." she walked off cackling madly, still jangling the keys. "Bye loser! Ha ha ha..."

"Oh well, it was worth a shot."

"You're next, Wolfblade." Cerrin said as the two of them stood face to face, several knocked out guards lying face down in the dirt. Wolfblade smirked.

"You're pretty good. Maybe you will be a worthy opponent after all." Cerrin readied her dagger and stood facing him in a fighting stance. They both stood staring at each other for a few seconds, then both charged. Sword clashed against dagger and sparks flew as they fought heatedly. Wolfblade, with his longer reach and larger height, had a clear advantage but he lacked the kind of cunning Cerrin had. She ducked, aimed a sweeping kick at his legs and knocked him over. He landed flat on his back, and Cerrin grabbed his sword and stood over him.

"I think I'm more than worthy. I'm superior." Wolfblade smiled.

"I never admit defeat, Miss Firewitch." He kicked his legs up and did a spectacular flip, despite the apparent weight of his armour. Cerrin had to jump back quickly to avoid getting kicked in the stomach, and she stood ready, waiting for him to make a move. He grabbed a Steel Sword off one of the unconscious guards and launched another attack.

By this point the audience had forgotten about the wrestling completely and were watching the sword fighting spectacle. Even Ansela and the guy she had in a leg lock were watching absorbed. The audience had all picked someone to cheer for, and cries of 'Go Firewitch' and 'Wolfblade rules' were filling up the stadium.

Cerrin tried her best to ignore them and carried on parrying Wolfblade's attacks. She had taken a few fencing lessons at eh university but her less than perfect skills were starting to let her down. She was a mage not a fighter, and she was beginning to tire. After a particularly hard blow she stumbled, and taking advantage of this, Wolfblade aimed a slash at her, but something hard smacked him on the head, and he fell unconscious into the dirt, his slash missing by miles. Trip was standing behind him holding a Steel Helmet off one of the guards.

"Yeah!" Ansela cheered as she held a guy in a full nelson and choked him. There was a mixture of surprise and anger from the audience, who in true style started yell various things that made no sense.

"Thanks Trip..." Cerrin smiled as he helped her up off the ground.

"Couldn't let him hurt you." Trip smiled.

"Aww, so sweet." A nasty voice drifted over. "It makes me want to PUKE!" Gem stood there, with a long spiked whip and a smug expression on her face. Cerrin surveyed the leather clad assassin with a disdaining look on her face.

"Were they having a sale at Whores 'R' Us, or are you just compensating for your ugly face?" Gem snarled, and cracked her whip.

"Don't insult me you nasty little cow. You may have beaten Wolfblade, but now you're tired and worn out form that scrap it shouldn't take me long to defeat you!"

"Hey!" Trip yelled. "That's not fair! Fight me instead!" Gem snorted and Cerrin sighed in exasperation. Trip grabbed a mace from a guard and charged towards Gem , who yawned and twisted her whip around his ankles, and he took a face plant at her feet. "Ow." About fifty guards came storming up, all with full Mithril Armour and maces. Too exhausted to fight, Cerrin turned to Ansela.

"She's in deep shit!" Ansela grabbed Timmus. "We need to help!" But before she could leave the ring several metal barriers shot up from the ground and formed a steel cage.

"Oh no..." Cerrin muttered.

"Crap!" Ansela yelled. The commentator's voice boomed around the arena.

"Um, there have been some alterations to the tournament. Team 5, Green Rogue and Meatgrinder are going to the semifinals early. They will fight in a Steel Cage Match against two of the RAWO giants, Incredible Bulk and the five times world champion, Crusher Thomson!" As soon as Crusher was mentioned, the spectators went into a frenzy. Ansela gulped as she saw the two hulking behemoths storming up the walkway and into the cage, which was then padlocked by the referee. Those were the two that beat up the two guys in the first round and twisted someone's spine out of whack. She glanced at the steel door. No escape unless she had time to pick that lock, but there was no chance of there being enough time with those two in the cage.

Timmus tapped her ankle.

"Sis, you'd better let me handle this."

"Why!" Ansela glared.

"Uh, well I don't know a lot but I am bigger than you, so I should take them on!" Ansela sighed.

"I don't have a choice do I?" She watched as Timmus climbed into the ring to face off against Incredible Bulk, the tallest, widest and most muscled wrestler in the RAWO league, and the one with the most broken bones, inflicted wounds, and messy deaths to his name. She looked on helpless as dumb Timmus squared off against him and the bell rang.

This was one fight she wasn't certain they could win.


	31. Crap, Crap, Crap and More Crap

The Misadventures of Five Friends and a Blonde- 'I'm touching your creamy centre!'

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: Ooh! How will the heroes get out of this?

Timmus: Shouldn't you know? You're the author.

CerridwynBradhadairWyver: It was a rhetorical question dammit! Never mind...

SSJ4 Aragorn- You'll be in the story more, don't worry.

Ozzyiwannabeagoat- So will you.

Chapter 32- Crap, Crap, Crap and More Crap

Timmus squared off against Incredible Bulk. He's big. Timmus thought. I'm hungry. I wonder if there's some meat around here...

"FOCUS, nimrod!" Ansela screeched at her half wit brother.

"What?" Timmus said just before the wrestler the size of an obese freight train smashed into him with a body slam.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnd that looked painful. Ooh, that's bad. Owch. I'm fairly certain people's backs aren't meant to go that way. Oh, and I think some of his vertebrae just popped. I'm glad I'm not in there. Ooh, Meatgrinder is being ground into meat. Ha, ha, I made a funny. Shit something just popped. Green Rogue is reaching into the ring. She's trying to get him to slap her hand but her short arms can't reach far enough. Ow, that's not good. Wait, Green Rogue is giving me dirty looks. Ooh, she looks mad. She's getting something out of her pocket. It's shiny. It's coming towards me. SHIT it's a poisoned throwing knife! It's passed through the bars of the cage- AAAH CRAP I HAVE A KNIFE IN MY EYE! IT'S BLEEDING! MEDIC! MEDIC! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Aagh!" Was Cerrin's response as Trip was tossed on top of her into the dungeon cell. Gem grinned evilly as she and Wolfblade locked the door and put a heavy padlock on it. Wolfblade was sporting a rather lovely bandaged up head. When he had removed his helmet, Cerrin had noticed he was roughly about her age, with short messy red hair and a beard. Despite his youth he looked a bit grizzled, as if he had been in many fights. Well, he probably had. Not looking too worse for wear despite the fact he had a bump the size of Nebraska on his head, he gave Cerrin a grin, who promptly shot him an evil death glare. Seriously, if looks could kill he would be a melted puddle of goo on the floor.

Gem grinned as she hung up the keys on a hook opposite their cell, about half a foot out of reach.

"Enjoy what precious little time you have left on this earth, because soon Salazar will curse you all into dust! Ha ha ha ha..." She laughed as she walked off, like a smug tramp. Cerrin walked up to the bars.

"Hey, Wolfblade. What's your deal working with these guys anyway?" Wolfblade turned to her.

"I do the work, I get paid. It's nothing personal against you, in fact if this were a different situation I'd probably like you. But it's not, so deal."

"And Salazar? You know he's an evil wizard, don't you?"

"Evil? Never mind evil, he's nuttier than a squirrel convention..."

"SQUIRRELS! AGH!" Alex squealed and grabbed Cerrin.

"Er, what's up with him?" Wolfblade stared at the quivering Alex. Cerrin rolled her eyes.

"He has a lot of issues with squirrels. And cream pie. And his mom. And women. And pretty much everything, to be honest."

"The...squirrels...their pointy little teeth...sharp little claws...fluffy cute tails! EVIL FLUFFY TAILS OF DOOM! Hewabbahebbawabbahoo..." Alex screamed. Cerrin shoved him to the ground and kicked him.

"Don't make me take you to another shrink, you neurotic pansy." Wolfblade raised his eyebrow.

"That guy's a nut job. Oh well, see you. Actually, I dunno, I think Gem's serious about the killing thing. She likes killing stuff." And he walked out of the dungeon, his armour boots clunking loudly on the steps.

"So... what's gonna happen now?" Trip asked. Alex groaned from the floor.

"Let's see... we have slow death, quick death, messy death, clean death, painful death, and cold, cold lonely death. Oh yeah, and did I mention death?"

"I don't think she'll really kill us :D I'm sure underneath it all she's a sweetheart." Rozy squeaked.

"No, underneath it all she's pure evil, condensed into a leather clad tramp form in Satan's personal mould press." Cerrin said as she checked her wounds from the fight.

"Everyone has a creamy centre!" Rozy squeaked, in a bubbly sugary sickening way.

"Some people are hard on the outside and on the inside."

"So... they'd have a nougaty centre? Or truffle?"

"Listen, sugar-for-brains, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what most of them are? Bitch coated bitches with bitch filling, with little chunks of bitch in the middle in a chewy bitch caramel wrapped in a bitchy wrapper with 'Bitch' written on it. And Gem is that, only with extra bitch and some trampy fruits and slutty hazelnuts mixed in, wrapped in leather. She's a Bitch and Nut bar. But I don't find her half as annoying as I find vapid naïve bubble-headed optimistic twinkies who skip around merrily vomiting sunshine and rainbows and fricking flying unicorns and churning out little songs out their peachy arses like pink sugary nursery rhyme diarrhoea." Rozy grabbed Cerrin in a hug and started rubbing her stomach.

"I'm touching your creamy centre!" she squealed in a sing song voice.

"AAAGH!"

"Can I touch your creamy centre too?" Alex grinned. Cerrin glared at him and thumped him hard in the stomach.

"Go rub your own centre, cream puff!"

Meanwhile, Timmus was suffering a terrible fate, though not quite as excruciating as being stuck in a 6 by 4 cell with two of the world's biggest idiots. Bulk had tossed him, smashed him, cracked some of his bones and smacked him round the head, but amazingly the doofus was still standing.

"I'll get ya!" Timmus charged at Bulk, missing by a berth of about four feet and running into the ropes for the tenth time. Ansela groaned. Obviously Timmus' tiny mind had been smacked around so hard he couldn't function properly anymore, or at least wrecked his sense of spatial awareness.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd it looks like after my quick recovery Bulk is about to do his finishing move, Smashing the Pumpkin. This move has resulted in more paralysed wrestlers, comas and painful deaths than any other move employed by a wrestler. Oh, that kid's in trouble." Ansela groaned. She considered throwing another knife at the commentator, but that wouldn't help Timmus. Then she had a brainwave.

"OH MY GOD there's a thing in the sky!" She screeched as loud as possible whilst pointing upwards. Whilst everyone looked up she grabbed a knife and looked at Bulk's leg. "My aim is true." She whispered, and tossed it. It smacked into his calf, spurting blood over the white ring. Bulk dropped Timmus and stared at his leg.

"Ohmahgah! Blood! Eeeeee!" He squealed like a girl, and promptly fainted. Timmus crawled over to Ansela, who slapped his hand and helped him out the ring onto a stretcher, and she climbed in as twelve medics shifted Bulk's enormous mass onto a huge stretcher.

"Who'd have thunk? Bulk has a fear of blood." She muttered as they carried the behemoth away, straining with the weight. A couple of medics carried Timmus off. As they passed he grabbed Ansela's hand.

"I like budgie pie..." One of the medics shook their head.

"Concussion." Ansela shook her head and grinned.

"Believe it or not, he's like that all the time."

Trip sat near the window of the cell, staring as the sunlight became fainter. The sun slowly made it's way down and night fell.

"We're all gonna die. They'll take us into the wilderness and dump our headless bodies for spiders, wolves, zombies and n00bs to ravage."

"Shut up Alex, I don't wanna think about it." Cerrin said.

"I'm sorry Cerrin, it's just I react to certain death in a certain way. It's a bad habit. I would kick it, but I don't have time, because, oh yeah, we're gonna DIE!"

"Shut it!" She growled. She looked at Alex, and started to snort. Rozy had done his hair in plaits and funny twists with ribbons and fluffy clips. He raised an eyebrow.

"What's so funny?"

"Never mind." She sat down, back against the wall and watched as Rozy started to put glitter in Alex's hair, and tried not to laugh. She looked over at trip who had not said anything for the past few hours. She walked about two steps to where he was sat, right against the window, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"What's up?"

"I...um..."

"Listen, you can tell me."

"I'm scared." He mumbled meekly. Cerrin gave him a hug.

"Trippy, we're all scared. Just don't panic. Ansela will get us out, I promise." She looked away and thought to herself, She'd better or I'll come back and haunt her.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd now we have Green rogue versus Crusher Thomson. Crusher is the five times RAWO champion, and I'm not sure how our peppy little pugilist will fare. Let's wait and see, hmm?" Ansela stood nervously in the ring waiting as the crowd roared; 'Crusher! Crusher!'. Crusher Thomson stormed into the ring yelling like a maniac, and the crowd went wild. He's big, she thought. Only solution- fast and smart. Fast and smart...

The sun had nearly set and the arena was lit by several large fires set near the ring. In the dark Ansela couldn't even see how many of the crowd were still there, but there was a lot of noise.

Ding! Ansela waited as Crusher charged at her like a bull on steroids, and waited... Just as he was about to smash her she did a somersault over him and kicked his head. Groaning he got up off the mat and grabbed at her, but she back flipped away.

Balanced on the ropes, she watched as he yelled obscenities and charged again. She jumped off the ropes and shoved him into them, ran to the opposite side and bounced off, flipping him over. He tried to grab her again, but missed.

"Stay still, will ya!" He roared as he aimed a punch and Ansela ducked.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell this is a turn up for the books! Green Rogue is using tactics no other wrestlers have ever used- Brains and agility! And boy, is it making Thomson flustered. He'd better get her in a hold soon or he's going down- Ow, that wasn't very nice." Ansela had just kicked Thomson, and in retaliation he had grabbed her leg and held her upside down by her ankle.

"Grrr..." He snarled. Ansela gave a very nervous grin.

"Er... Nice wrestler?" She said, slowly pulling a throwing knife out of her gauntlet.

"Let us out!" Alex rattled the bars. "Let us out! We have rights! I want a lawyer!"

"Alex, some of us would like to sleep." Cerrin snarled. Alex stuck his tongue out and carried on rattling the bars.

"What the hell is all the noise?" Wolfblade came storming downstairs. He had changed out of his armour and was now wearing a plain jerkin and black trousers. He had a large duffel bag swung over his shoulder and an Air Staff in one hand. Cerrin recognised it as her own. There were a few indents on the shaft from hitting Alex... "My shift ended a half hour ago and then I get told I have to come here and deal with some... WTF?" He said, staring at Alex's hair. "What's going on? First Green Rogue defeats the world champion, now I find on of you has suddenly changed gender..."

"Ansela won?" Trip yelled.

"Ansela won!" Cerrin squealed and hugged Trip.

"Listen. I don't know what's up with you lot, but I'd really like some answers."

"Well there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything, with the possible exception of Alex's hair."

"What? What's wrong with my hair..." He reached up to his head and felt it. "OMAHGAHD! My crowning glory! Aaah!"

"Can it, shrub head." Cerrin growled. "Listen, Wolfblade, which I doubt is your real name anyway, we only entered this contest to get rich. And then we found out it was fixed so we tried to stop it. Then you and your dumb guards had to come along and bring that trampy bitch Gem..."

"You forgot insane annoying slutty and ugly." Wolfblade pointed out. "Forget her. I found all this stuff in the changing rooms, is it yours?" He opened the bag, and all Cerrin's and Trip's stuff was in there. Cerrin could just about see her rune pouch.

"I can't tell in this dark. Come a bit nearer." As he took a few steps forward, Cerrin concentrated her magic powers on the runes in her bag.

"Entangle!" The runes glowed and Wolfblade lay on the ground, wriggling with his magical bonds. Cerrin grabbed the bag and fished out her runes.

"Telegrab!" she said, picking up her staff. The keys flew right into her hand and she quickly unlocked the door. He hugged her hat and robes. "Oh, how I've missed loose fitting clothing!"

"I like you better in a leotard..." Alex purred, and Cerrin thwacked him on the head with her staff.

"You would..." After emptying the bag of their stuff, Cerrin shoved the bag over Wolfblade's head. "Come on, we're outta here!"

"Mmf grble mm blk!" (Hey, lemme out!)

"Shut it, Wolfy!" Cerrin yelled as she and Alex dragged him out.

"Well isn't this just the pickle in the giant crap burger that is my day." Wolfblade muttered to himself.


End file.
